Monday, December 28, 2015

So They Opted To Kick. Time To Let It Go People.

Now that the 24 hour cool down period has elapsed, time to unwad your knickers, suck up your buttercup and settle the fuk down Patriot nation.  Matthew Slater was not a victim of "muscle memory" like that idiot Fouts wondered aloud (How in hell do these idiots ever get hired?).  Quit breaking down the transcript of the coin toss discussion between the ref and the Pats.  Belichick wanted to kick.  That's it.  I'd rather they didn't, but they did.  And in case you're not paying very close attention, I am not the greatest coach to pull on a hoodie.  And neither are you.

Are you even aware that the Pats defense held the J E T S to just 33 yards in the fourth quarter, including a big stop on the Jets final possession when they were 15 yards from field goal range? Before the last Pats drive when they were stopped on third down twice but converted fourth down plays, the Pats offense had gained just 21 yards.  The Pats were ONE FOR TEN on third down during this game, including 1 for 5 in the fourth quarter.  Yes, the Pats had a 66 yard drive to tie the game... BUT THEY NEEDED those fourth down plays to do it.  If that were overtime, they punt.

Coach Four Rings felt that the team's best chances were in the hands of the defense making a stop before turning the ball back into the hands and foot of the greatest quarterback and kicker on the planet.  It was a field position game all day.  And had Teyvon Wilson, the 5th string safety on the depth chart, defended a fukkin' diagonal route properly (Football 101 according to Tedy Bruschi), they may have made that stop.  But nope.  The Jets won.  Big deal.

All that being said... I still wish they had given Brady a chance first before asking their defense to make a stop.  But in the grand scheme of things, the Jets continue to do things without Rex Ryan that they could never do with him.  And that makes me very very happy.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Uh Oh... Ebeneezah Is Driving The Blog Today

The boss is taking today off so that he can partake in his annual Christmas Eve tradition of hittin' the mall with the rest of the fahkin' morons who waited till the last fahkin' minute and are now stuck with another basket of lotions and soaps from Bath and Body Works and a foot massager from Brookstone.  Oh, don't worry.  Podunk's tradition ain't shoppin'.  Every year, he grabs a big ass pretzel from Auntie Anne's, loads that bitch up with mustard and stands outside Victoria's Secret looking through the window until someone calls the mall cops.  He is trying to beat his personal record of 1 hour 12 minutes.

In the meantime, back at the outhouse suites of Shitz n' Giggles, Mr. Pist has left me, Ebeneezah Fizzywig McGrinchypants, in charge of the blog today.  So I'm gonna tell you all the shit that sucks about Christmas.

First things first... the Yankee Swap!  What the fuk is with that bullshit?  Grown ass adults fighting over decorative candle burners, fuzzy blankets and Chia pets.  Not to mention that one pain in the ass who thinks the price limit means anything UP to that limit is fine.  So while you throw in a couple of scratch tickets to reach the $20 limit, this asshole brings a $5 ice scraper.  Why don't we just scrap the Yankee Swap, go out and spend 20 bucks on ourselves and everyone will leave happy.

Next, the Elf on a fukkin' Shelf.

It's cruel enough to strike the fear of Santa into the hearts of children with the naughty and nice lists.  Now, we put a fukkin' Santa Spy in our houses, watching the kids?  Oh, and we tell the kids that they are NOT to touch the Elf or he will lose his Christmas magic.  And if they do touch the elf, they gotta write a fukkin' apology letter to Santa and pray the North Pole doctors can fix him up.  This is directly from the official Elf website:
Christmas magic is very fragile, and if scout elves are touched they may lose their magic. If your scout elf has been touched, you can apologize by writing a letter to Santa, or saying you’re sorry to your elf. Then, please sprinkle a little cinnamon beside him or her before you go to bed; cinnamon is like vitamins for scout elves, and it helps them get back to the North Pole. Once they arrive, the North Pole doctors will check them out.
That's right Billy.  You touch Sprinkles or Herbie or Tinsel or whatever other stupid fukkin' name you gave him, you are in deep shit with Santa!!  

If you want to get a better picture of how fukkin' evil this idea is, just read the story about the poor 7 year old girl from New Jersey who knocked her elf to the floor.  She called 911 in a panic, scared to death that she ruined Christmas!  (READ AND LISTEN TO 911 CALL HERE).   It ain't cute, assholes!  It's mean.  Flush your elves and cut the shit.

A few other things about Christmas that sucks big reindeer balls:
-  THE TRAFFIC: Does EVERYBODY have to go to the same mall at the same time?  Ever hear of Amazon Prime, you dinks?
-  The Facebook Christmas Card:  Jeezus H.!  Stamps are not that expensive!!  Send a gawdam card, you lazy pricks!
-  The Ugly Sweater Party:  Um, it ain't cute anymore.  A giant Santa face on a red sweater is so yesterday!  Let's do something new and uglier - have a Take Your Sweater Off Party!  Man boobs and boloney tits dipping into the punch bowl makes for way better conversation and more interesting dance moves.
-  Rudolph Noses On Cars:  Every time I see a big red nose on a grill or antlers sticking out of the window, I wanna run them off the road.  You're not a reindeer!  You're a Christmas Douche!

That's about all I got, ya bunch of pricks!  Merry Christmas and go fuk yerself!  I'm heading down to the tittie bar to spend my bonus watching nine ladies dancing!!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Let's Talk About The Beez. And Laugh At The Penz.

Okay, I admit it.  I have kinda ignored the Beez in this space thus far this season. But ya know, sometimes life happens and before I know it, it's 9:30 and the sandman has kicked my ass again.  He's kind of a dick to us middle aged types - Knocks us off our feet before the ten o'clock news but is right there at 2:30 am for an achy groaning tinkle trip to the piss pot, and again at 5:30 am because, you know, GET UP!  Let's Dance!!!!

As I sit here this morning, gleefully tip toeing through the giant field of suck-tulips in which the Pittsburgh Penguins are mired, I feel compelled to talk a bit about these Bruins.  Fresh off a sweep of a home and home series with the little bitches from the Triangle City, deez Beez sit in second place behind le hockey club of Canada.  That's some serious work after starting the season 0-3 and considering their top defenseman is a 6 foot 7 inch pile of puke who turns it over more than Peyton Manning in a wind storm.  Last night, I think it was the father from Everybody Loves Raymond who scored a hat trick on whoever that was in goal for Pittsburgh.  That's how much fun it has been watching them.

At the beginning of the season, the Beez penalty kill was horrendous, spending the first couple of weeks at the bottom of the league.  That unit has rebounded nicely and is now 17th in the league and has 6 short handed goals (including a beauty from Bergie last night).  They have the top power play in the league and the second best goals/game.  

This little bitch

The Nose Face Killah is playing his best hockey evah, all the while taking stick shots to the nuts and cheap shots from Sindy Crosby like above (btw, the Beez got a power play goal 25 seconds into that powerplay... thanks bitch).  Marchand leads the spoked Beez with 15 goals, including 3 shorties, and a +/- of 14.  Bergie and Krejci are doing their thing and Loui Erikkson is finally looking like the guy they got from Dallas.  But it's the young dudes who have reinvigorated Claude's team, especially the Spaghetti Twins, Landon Ferraro and Frank Vatrano.  Vatrano is a legit Masshole, hailing from Springfield and going to UMass.  AND he notched a hattie last night against those woeful pussies in the Burgh.  Colin Miller has bolstered the blue line AND has a helluva slappah from the point!

Two U's Two K's has bounced back into form of late and now has four shutouts on the season.  He's gotta quit giving up softies, but I'm not too concerned about Tuukka going forward.  

It's Chara who needs to just get off the gawdam ice!  I know we are lacking at the blue line, but this dude has hit the Peyton Manning Zone... he cannot get the puck on his stick without turning it over.  He's slower than Brady running a post and quite simply cannot play anymore.  But that's the eyeball test.  A look at the numbers and he is second on the team in +/- with 13 and he's logging 24 minutes a night.  He has 18 points, including 13 assists.  He's on a pace to get 50 points (he had just 20 points last season) and the best +/- of his career.  So are my eyes deceiving me?  I don't fukkin' know!!  But I HATE watching him play the game!!

So, can we go back to laughing at the Penguins for a minute?  Remember how they were gonna light it up this season after picking up Fat Phil Kessel?  Ooooh.... Crosby, Malkin and now Kessel!!  These guys with Letang, Kunitz and Hornqvist were gonna score 5 goals a game.  Um, Ryan Spooner has more goals than Crosby at this point.  That makes me giggle.  They are in 12th place in the Eastern Conference this morning, way the fuk out of the playoff race.  The Penz have fired their coach and have since lost every game with their new coach.  I don't know that they will continue to suck this bad.  But I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.  Ever since the days of Mario and Yahgah, this hypocritical collection of whinebags have bitched about the physical play of other teams all the while employing the likes of Ulf Samuellson and Matt Cooke.  And watch the Golden Sid away from the puck.   He's the classic hit 'em and run player.  Evgeni Malkin is the only guy on that team who I can respect... a tough prick with a specific set of skills that will kill you quickly.  But while he wears that penguin in a triangle, he's a dink.

Bye for now!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

How To Make A Gingerbread House If You're A Dude

So, it's Christmas time.  That means that if you are a dude with a lady in your life, you are gonna have to relent and engage in some cozy yuletide nonsense to maintain satisfactory credit with the Bang Bank.  Whether it's wearing an ugly sweater or going to the mall for a romantic holiday walk, we are gonna resort to typical lows this holiday season.  Today, we are gonna make a gingerbread house.

First thing you do is remind your sweet wife or your dahlin’ fukkin' girlfriend that she owes you some serious holiday mattress time for makin’ you participate in this fukkin’ nonsense.

Next, get yerself some booze. Beer is my preference, but you can crack the seal on whatever bottle you think will dull the pain of making a miniature house for little Ginger Hanzel and Ginger Gretel. If your liquor cabinet is empty after the gawdam gift wrappin’ fiesta ya had last week, then roll a big ol’ fatty and get your 420 on. If this is your method, remember to exercise caution or you will end up eating all of the fukkin’ icing on that bitch before you glue the fake trees to the cardboard.

Once you are good and buzzed and all done whining to your significant other about missing the first period of the Bruins game, it’s time to roll some gawdam dough!! What you want is a fukkin’ shit ton of buttah, some brown sugah, molasses, baking soda and some gingah. It’s the name of the fukkin’ house. Of course you need gingah.

Put all that shit in a bowl except the brown sugah. Cuz you gotta whack the fuk out of that sugah rock with a 28oz framing hammah before you can even use it. Now, mix that shit up and set your oven at 375 fukkin’ degrees. Get another beer cuz it’s about to suck even worse.

Roll that dough out and cut it into a bunch of fukkin’ rectangles and squares. They are gonna be yer walls and yer roof. Cuz that’s all Hanzel and Gretel are getting… a gingerbread cube house. Bake that shit good for 15 minutes.

While it bakes, that’s the perfect opportunity to hold some mistletoe over yer package and ask yer girl for a kiss.  If she says no, try a little boob grab or hiney pinch. She loves it when you do that.

Okay, so after she shuts you down, bring your blue balls back to the kitchen cuz it’s time to get that shit out of the oven and try to glue a gawdam house together with nothing but frosting and a buzz. 

After managing to break every fukkin’ piece in half because your big fukkin’ hands are not made for arts and crafts, throw it all in the gawdam trash and give her money to go buy a premade gingah bread house with candy cane door frames and a gumdrop chimney. Get another beer and turn the Bruins on. Cuz you’re a dude!

Since the house was too gawdam difficult, try your hand at making gingerbread cookies.  Just follow this recipe!!

Monday, December 14, 2015

MMLS: Patsies Back On Top (For Now?)

Bad news for the AFC... He ain't extinct yet.  The Gronkosaurus returned with yet another brace on yet another appendage and the fukker still managed to drop a dino turd on the Texans' night.  While Scooter McDaniels and Matt the Beard Patricia schemed to put JJ Watt and DeAndre Hopkins in check, TMFB did his thing and, with thanks to Denver and Cincy for pissing down their legs at home, the Patsies are back in the drivers seat for the one seed.  We shall see what happens going forward with Hightower still out and with Blount and McCourty and Easley all leaving the game with ouchies.

Here's the scary truth:  The Pats locked up a playoff spot.  Edelman and Hightower will both be back by the playoffs.  The Pats have two home games left and a trip to South Beach to play the Fighting Campbells one last time.  The one seed is certainly in hand.  Let's see if they can hold it.

But back to last night - if the Pats are known for anything (aside from the GOAT and the HOOD), it's that they will take away your best so that you have to beat them with your second best.  Broken hand or not, JJ Watt was double teamed more than Debbie from Dallas - he only hit Brady once and that was a late hit penalty on Brady's first touchdown pass.  He was chipped, stuffed and neutralized all night.  Hell, even Danny DLDola gave the Big Commercial a hefty shove early.  Of course, Watt has taken shits bigger than Amendola, but it was still pretty funny.  So, because that was happening on one side, JaDeveon I Knocked A Guys Helmet Off Once Clowney was single teamed all night and he got himself two sacks.  And lost by 21 points.  

The most dangerous offensive weapon the Texans have is DeAndre Hopkins, who leads the NFL in receptions of 20 or more yards.  Well, he had just three catches, with his only big play coming in the fourth quarter with the game already out of hand.  The scheme there was man coverage by Logan Ryan with safety help over the top while they put the Butlah on the second best guy, a dude named Nate.  Sure, Malcom was burned on a double move by Nate on a 3rd and 18 play in the first quarter.  But that was the guy's only catch all night.  

So the Texans could not even beat the Pats with their best, their second best or whatever else they had.  Have a look see at the Texans' drives in the second half:  14 yards, 6 yards, 6 yards, -4 yards, -11 yards, 46 yards, 1 yard.  And this game got flexed to the 8:30 time slot two weeks ago because the Texans were playing so well.  They still have fukkin' Brian Hoyer at QB fahchrissake.  Dude couldn't start in Cleveland.  But whatevs....

You know what else the Pats are known for?  Picking up a dude from the scrap heap who makes plays immediately.  Leonard Johnson borrowed Shane Vereen's old jersey and came outta nowhere to make two pretty big pass breakups.  If you were asking aloud "Who the fuk is that guy?", you were not alone.  Shit, he could be waived by Tuesday.  

It's a happy Monday once again in New England Town.  The puzzle is coming together after suffering through that shitshow against Chip Overrated last week.  And this morning, we do our "Playoffs Again" victory dance.  Cue the gawdam music!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Dems and Repubs: They Are All Assholes!

We have a hypocrisy alert!!  And it's coming from both sides of the aisle.   I know, if you woke up tomorrow with your head sewn to the carpet, you would not be more surprised than you are now.

Two sand surfers with AR-15s gunned down 14 Americans in California last week.  As expected, the Democrats jumped loudly on their gun control nonsense.  Immediately following the shooting, top donkey jockey Dianne Feinstein submitted an amendment to the Obamacare Repeal Bill (not that those two are fahkin' related, but whatevs!) that would allow the Attorney General to prohibit the sale or transfer of firearms to suspected or known terrorists.  Republicans in the Senate rejected that amendment.  Their reasons:  due process.

I'm not sure I am on board with allowing due process to even "suspected" terrorists, but the language in the amendment (YES I READ IT - YOU CAN TOO RIGHT HERE) gives the AG complete discretion, including "reasonable belief" and "appropriately suspected" to deny the sale of firearms.

So, the party that pushes mass deportation and Muslim databases is suddenly worried about due process.  You are killin' me guys!  Try some gawdam consistency please!  Stick with your deportation and databases and DON'T LET TERRORISTS BUY GUNS!

And then there's THIS bitch!
But of course, my biggest beef is with the fahkin' Jackass Party that does not even wait until the bodies are identified before they try to squeeze gun control legislation into a bill about fahkin' OBAMACARE!!  And then Shrillary runs to the teleprompter hours later to call shame to the Republicans for voting down the proposal!
“Last night, the Senate voted down a law to block suspected terrorists from buying guns. We have thousands of people on a no-fly list. They get put on there based on credible information and suspicion that they should not be put on a plane inside our country or coming into our country,” Clinton said at a campaign event in Sioux Falls, Iowa. “I got to tell you -- if you’re too dangerous to fly in America, you are too dangerous to buy a gun in America.”
That's funny, huh?  The party that denounces profiling, that is opening our doors to thousands of Syrian refugees, that releases terrorists from Gitmo and that gives amnesty to undocumented immigrants with violent criminal records is now all of a sudden concerned about dangerous people in America.  So when it comes to gun laws, it's okay to profile based on suspicion?

Hey Democrats, howzabout if you're too dangerous to fly in America and too dangerous to buy a gun in America, then we ship your fahkin' ass OUT of America?

As usual, NONE of this is about what's best for the country.  Both parties care so much about winning their political pissing contests that they are contradicting their normal behavior.