Tuesday, December 15, 2015

How To Make A Gingerbread House If You're A Dude

So, it's Christmas time.  That means that if you are a dude with a lady in your life, you are gonna have to relent and engage in some cozy yuletide nonsense to maintain satisfactory credit with the Bang Bank.  Whether it's wearing an ugly sweater or going to the mall for a romantic holiday walk, we are gonna resort to typical lows this holiday season.  Today, we are gonna make a gingerbread house.

First thing you do is remind your sweet wife or your dahlin’ fukkin' girlfriend that she owes you some serious holiday mattress time for makin’ you participate in this fukkin’ nonsense.

Next, get yerself some booze. Beer is my preference, but you can crack the seal on whatever bottle you think will dull the pain of making a miniature house for little Ginger Hanzel and Ginger Gretel. If your liquor cabinet is empty after the gawdam gift wrappin’ fiesta ya had last week, then roll a big ol’ fatty and get your 420 on. If this is your method, remember to exercise caution or you will end up eating all of the fukkin’ icing on that bitch before you glue the fake trees to the cardboard.

Once you are good and buzzed and all done whining to your significant other about missing the first period of the Bruins game, it’s time to roll some gawdam dough!! What you want is a fukkin’ shit ton of buttah, some brown sugah, molasses, baking soda and some gingah. It’s the name of the fukkin’ house. Of course you need gingah.

Put all that shit in a bowl except the brown sugah. Cuz you gotta whack the fuk out of that sugah rock with a 28oz framing hammah before you can even use it. Now, mix that shit up and set your oven at 375 fukkin’ degrees. Get another beer cuz it’s about to suck even worse.

Roll that dough out and cut it into a bunch of fukkin’ rectangles and squares. They are gonna be yer walls and yer roof. Cuz that’s all Hanzel and Gretel are getting… a gingerbread cube house. Bake that shit good for 15 minutes.

While it bakes, that’s the perfect opportunity to hold some mistletoe over yer package and ask yer girl for a kiss.  If she says no, try a little boob grab or hiney pinch. She loves it when you do that.

Okay, so after she shuts you down, bring your blue balls back to the kitchen cuz it’s time to get that shit out of the oven and try to glue a gawdam house together with nothing but frosting and a buzz. 

After managing to break every fukkin’ piece in half because your big fukkin’ hands are not made for arts and crafts, throw it all in the gawdam trash and give her money to go buy a premade gingah bread house with candy cane door frames and a gumdrop chimney. Get another beer and turn the Bruins on. Cuz you’re a dude!

Since the house was too gawdam difficult, try your hand at making gingerbread cookies.  Just follow this recipe!!

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