Thursday, December 24, 2015

Uh Oh... Ebeneezah Is Driving The Blog Today

The boss is taking today off so that he can partake in his annual Christmas Eve tradition of hittin' the mall with the rest of the fahkin' morons who waited till the last fahkin' minute and are now stuck with another basket of lotions and soaps from Bath and Body Works and a foot massager from Brookstone.  Oh, don't worry.  Podunk's tradition ain't shoppin'.  Every year, he grabs a big ass pretzel from Auntie Anne's, loads that bitch up with mustard and stands outside Victoria's Secret looking through the window until someone calls the mall cops.  He is trying to beat his personal record of 1 hour 12 minutes.

In the meantime, back at the outhouse suites of Shitz n' Giggles, Mr. Pist has left me, Ebeneezah Fizzywig McGrinchypants, in charge of the blog today.  So I'm gonna tell you all the shit that sucks about Christmas.

First things first... the Yankee Swap!  What the fuk is with that bullshit?  Grown ass adults fighting over decorative candle burners, fuzzy blankets and Chia pets.  Not to mention that one pain in the ass who thinks the price limit means anything UP to that limit is fine.  So while you throw in a couple of scratch tickets to reach the $20 limit, this asshole brings a $5 ice scraper.  Why don't we just scrap the Yankee Swap, go out and spend 20 bucks on ourselves and everyone will leave happy.

Next, the Elf on a fukkin' Shelf.


It's cruel enough to strike the fear of Santa into the hearts of children with the naughty and nice lists.  Now, we put a fukkin' Santa Spy in our houses, watching the kids?  Oh, and we tell the kids that they are NOT to touch the Elf or he will lose his Christmas magic.  And if they do touch the elf, they gotta write a fukkin' apology letter to Santa and pray the North Pole doctors can fix him up.  This is directly from the official Elf website:
Christmas magic is very fragile, and if scout elves are touched they may lose their magic. If your scout elf has been touched, you can apologize by writing a letter to Santa, or saying you’re sorry to your elf. Then, please sprinkle a little cinnamon beside him or her before you go to bed; cinnamon is like vitamins for scout elves, and it helps them get back to the North Pole. Once they arrive, the North Pole doctors will check them out.
That's right Billy.  You touch Sprinkles or Herbie or Tinsel or whatever other stupid fukkin' name you gave him, you are in deep shit with Santa!!  

If you want to get a better picture of how fukkin' evil this idea is, just read the story about the poor 7 year old girl from New Jersey who knocked her elf to the floor.  She called 911 in a panic, scared to death that she ruined Christmas!  (READ AND LISTEN TO 911 CALL HERE).   It ain't cute, assholes!  It's mean.  Flush your elves and cut the shit.

A few other things about Christmas that sucks big reindeer balls:
-  THE TRAFFIC: Does EVERYBODY have to go to the same mall at the same time?  Ever hear of Amazon Prime, you dinks?
-  The Facebook Christmas Card:  Jeezus H.!  Stamps are not that expensive!!  Send a gawdam card, you lazy pricks!
-  The Ugly Sweater Party:  Um, it ain't cute anymore.  A giant Santa face on a red sweater is so yesterday!  Let's do something new and uglier - have a Take Your Sweater Off Party!  Man boobs and boloney tits dipping into the punch bowl makes for way better conversation and more interesting dance moves.
-  Rudolph Noses On Cars:  Every time I see a big red nose on a grill or antlers sticking out of the window, I wanna run them off the road.  You're not a reindeer!  You're a Christmas Douche!

That's about all I got, ya bunch of pricks!  Merry Christmas and go fuk yerself!  I'm heading down to the tittie bar to spend my bonus watching nine ladies dancing!!

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