Friday, July 31, 2015

I Have Your Bias Free Language Right Here!


Losing quite a bit of faith in my home state these days.  The Donald is leading fukkin' everyone in the polls.  The guvnah refuses to allow National Guard recruiters to arm themselves .  And now UNH is telling us that using the term "American" might be offensive or problematic because it does not take into account South America.

In 2013, UNH posted on their website something they called the "Guide to Bias-free Language."  Entangled within this politically douchey drivel is allegedly an effort to create an inclusive, diverse and equitable community.  Nary an eyebrow was raised back then... because NOBODY really reads university web sites.  But a story cropped up in a conservative publication about this guide, pissing off Granite Staters and prompting legislators to threaten with how much money they give the University.  So suddenly, two years later, the President of the University is announcing that he is offended by the guide and has ordered it taken down from the website, which really sucks because it was some fantastic reading.

The term American was described as problematic because it fails to recognize South America.  Well, we ain't trying to recognize South America.  They are free to recognize themselves all they want.  Also gone should be the terms "senior citizens" or "elderly" and in their place we should say "people of advanced age."  FUK THAT!!

Other bias-free language according to this guide:  "People of size" instead of overweight.  "Person of material wealth" instead of rich.  And the best one... instead of saying "poor" we should say "person who lacks advantages that others have."

Since we are being bias-free, I have some other suggestions.  You knew I would.

Instead of "asshole" we should be saying "person who lacks the ability to refrain from being an asshole."

Instead of "busty" we should use the term "woman of mammary wealth" and instead of "flat" we should be saying "woman who lacks advantages that others have" or "woman with the tits of Ellen DeGeneres"

"Young" should be "person who doesn't have to fukkin' work for a living"

And stop calling a person "smart"   Instead, call them "persons not as dumb as me."

Hope this has been as helpful for you as it has been for me.  So quit fukkin' offending people, needledicks!  Have a great Friday!  And remember...  these are women of physical fitness.




Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Oh Nice. NOW B. Hussein Lowers The Flag.

Yunz prolly think the official animal of Wednesday, aka Hump Day, is the camel.
But you be wrong.
It's the HUMPALOTAPUSS!
You can tell one of these manly beasts by its striking resemblance to Wilt Chamberlain.


Just a quick hump dump this morning because I know how important transparency is to President B. Hussein Obama.  I define transparency as being able to see through shit.  Ya know, like when the President lowers the flag at the White House to honor 5 military men a gawdam WEEK after four Marines and one sailor were shot and killed by a terrorist in Tennessee.  Transparency is when it is fukkin' clear the Commander in Chief only did so after the internet blew up criticizing him for not doing so IMMEDIATELY!   Hey Purple Lips... you lit up the White House in a rainbow hours after the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage.  So where was this order 5 days ago?  Oh that's right....  you only ordered the flags down after Boehner did so at the Capitol.  Everything is a fukkin' political race.

Obama has ordered the White House flag lowered before...  after the Fort Hood shooting, the Colorado theater shooting, and the shootings in Tuscon, Newtown, CT, Oak Creek, WS and the Washington Navy Yard.  He also lowered the flag after the deaths of American icons like Teddy Chappaquiddik, Neil Armstrong and Dorothy Height.  He never ordered the flag lowered after the second Fort Hood shooting in 2014 where three servicemen were killed.  Ya wanna common thread...   of the mass shootings after which he has lowered the White House flag, only once (2009 Fort Hood) did it involve the death of American servicemen.  The victims of the Washington Navy Yard massacre were all civilian contractors.

I'm not sure if the President gives a shit about our military or not.  But the optics of it all sure sends a transparent message.  B. Hussein Odouchebag!

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Trending On Thursday: Why The Nuke Deal Is Embarassing!

Today on Facebook, many of us are seeing this meme worming its way amongst Democrats -


Ya know, because complaining about something that happened THIRTY FUKKIN YEARS AGO is what we do.  Although I still have not gotten over the Bay of Pigs OR the Louisiana Purchase.  Fukkin' idiots cannot even get their facts straight.  Reagan did not give weapons to Iran.  He SOLD weapons to Israel.  Point being, if yah wanna bitch, bitch correctly!!!

The nuke deal signed with Iran this week may or may not turn out to be a turning point for relations with the country that wants the United States wiped off the face of this planet.  Where you fall on this deal depends completely on the color of your ballot, unless you actually do the research.  I started reading the 159 page agreement last night.  I gave up reading every word by page 8 when terms like ceterfuges and heavy water baffled the fuk out of me.  I gave up skimming paragraphs by page 19 where it went into the implementation plan.  Feel free to read it yourself, if you so wish.  (FULL TEXT OF AGREEMENT).  But I'm gonna give you the Cliff's Notes version.

Iran makes a promise to six countries (China, Russia, France, Germany, United Kingdom and United States) that they will be good and not make nuclear weapons for 15 years.  In exchange, the UN sanctions with Iran will be lifted and $100 BILLION in frozen assets will be released to Iran.  And John Kerry gets to pose for a group picture.

In other words, we give Iran everything they want (enough money and resources to build and then hide nuclear weapons in Syria, for example) and they promise to stick by an agreement THEY SIGNED IN 1968!!!  Yeah, remember back in 1968 when Iran signed the Treaty on Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, promising not to make nuclear weapons?  How'd that one work out??

But just like that, with the swoop of the pen by the Messiah of Diplomacy, Iran has become a trustworthy nation and Kerry gets his group photo.  Iranians celebrated in the streets of Tehran like their team just intercepted the ball at the end of the Super Bowl.  Meanwhile, in the other 6 countries, the celebrations were..... well...... um...... limited to an 8 am pat on the back at the White House.  Datz it!!  Why do we suppose the Iranians are so happy???  Any ideas?   My money is on Iran breaking the deal before the Pats break training camp.

This tweet from the President of Iran moments after Obama addressed his nation with his cuh cuh about diplomatic success ought to tell you why this deal is fukkin' nonsense.

It's almost embarrassing that this deal actually happened.  But, on the selfish side, they are saying gas prices will drop significantly with the signing of the deal.  So, hooray for Secretary Long Face and his boss.  Sorry, Israel... Iran is gonna blow your ass up in 15 years.  But we are gonna see $2/gallon at the pump and Obama gets to add a new exhibit to his Presidential Library.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Democrat Math: You're Doing It Wrong!!

How ah you at math?  Here's a word problem to see how fahkin' well you know your pluses and minuses and goesintas!

Sally Struthers weighs 220 pounds in November.  In December, she stuffs her gullet with fruitcakes, popcorn balls and ham sandwiches and balloons to 450 pounds by Christmas.  On New Year's Day, she resolves to lose weight and by April Fools Day, she is down to 230 pounds.  

Did she cut her weight in half?  Or did she add on 10 pounds?  The answer depends on what story you want to tell and what reference point you choose to use.  Does she deserve credit for dropping all that weight or blame for packing it on in the first place?

Too difficult, Oprah?  Let's make this even simpler.  You are given a basket containing 5 apples.  You add 10 apples to the basket, but then you take out 9 apples.  How many apples do you have left?  More or less than when you started?  Here's a hint:  YOU HAVE MORE APPLES THAN WHEN YOU STARTED, DUMMY!!!
Kinda works like ipecac...  Even Slick Willie can sniff the bullshit here.

This picture of Slick Willie the Cigar Man and Obie is making its way around Facebook with a descriptor reading "The only two Presidents to reduce the deficit in the last 50 years."  And I nearly lost my shit!

When Obama took office in January 2009, the deficit stood at $458 billion.  Thanks to his bailout stimulus package, the deficit nearly tripled to $1.4 TRILLION in just his first year in office!!  Since that time, the deficit has steadily decreased, due to a strengthening economy and a draw-down of several economic stimulus programs.  It has decreased to a number that is STILL HIGHER than the deficit under George W. Bush.

So Obie and his lemmings are happy to brag about the deficit reduction without including the vital fact that he was the one who increased it in the first place.  The deficit during Dubbaya's final year in office was $458 billion.  The deficit at the end of Obama's 6th term was $486 billion.

This reminds me of a Biggest Loser contest in my office a few years ago.  One dude spent three weeks eating like a cow, gaining several pounds before the contest.  On the morning of the first weigh-in, he drank a gallon of water.  Then he stepped on the scale to record his "starting weight" for the contest.  He promptly went to the head and took a piss, dropping a couple of pounds immediately.  He went on to win the contest two months later because he had shed a greater percentage of his starting weight than the rest of them.  Ya see...  it all depends on your reference point.  

So, is the deficit smaller or larger than when Obama took office??   Come on math wizards!  YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!!!   Sally Struthers is heavier, you have more apples in your basket and Obama has increased the deficit.   Let's not even TALK about the national debt!!!   Until you are ready, that is.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

ESPN Goin' Nekkid Again

No bills or satellite TV offers or love letters from Shakira when I opened the mailbox yesterday.  Only a totally naked Kevin Love dribbling a basketball in the desert, apparently misunderstanding the whole "shirts vs skins" thing.  The Body issue has arrived.

Not sure how long ago ESPN The Magazine started taking pictures of athletes in their berfday suits.  Their web site says this is their seventh Body issue.  My memory only goes as far back as Gronk hiding his junk with Hulk hands.  I must say this: It's always a fascinating perusal, flipping through the images of muscled up, finely toned bodies while I sit on the couch with a box of Cheez-Its resting on my beer belly.  They call it The Body issue.  I call it the "I Got The Stones To Be Bollocky Bare-ass In Front Of A Photography Crew" issue.  These people aren't like half naked with g-strings or nipple stickers.  They are 100% au naturale.  And I've seen some of the behind the scenes videos of photo shoots.  Ya got your camera man (or woman).  Ya got your guys holding light stands or reflectors.  Your makeup people touching up the nether nethers.  Of course, there are agents and ESPN reps and probably Chris Berman hanging around making sure everything goes smoothly.

I got some takeaways from this year's issue.  And the first is Olympic gold medal winning gymnast Aly Raisman's glutes!  The curves on her physique could double for bubble wrap!  Hava nagila hubba hubba!!!


Check out her behind the scenes video;


The Body issue went heavy last year and got some acclaim when they showed the rotund Prince Fielder lookin' about 8 months preggers.  Well, they doubled up this year by giving us hammer thrower Amanda Bingson and three Colts linemen.  But I'm all in on Bingson!!  Amanda falls on the larger side of the typical female athlete, but she couldn't give a shit what you or any of us think.  She refers to her body type as "dense."  Read her interview on ESPN.com.  Two quotes jump out at ya:  "I'll be honest.  I like everything about my body.  I fluctuate between 200 and 215.  But I embrace it.  I love myself." and "You may be prettier and skinnier than me.  But I'll kick your ass in a game of one on one."   I just love this lady!!!   She was kicked off her high school volleyball team because she could not fit into those ass huggin' shorts they wear.  Coach told her to lose 30 pounds.  So she just says fuk you to everyone, embraces herself and breaks some American records in the process!!  I wanna go drinkin' with Amanda!


And my third takeway from The Body is this photo!  By far the best picture in the issue.  Three huge dudes laughing and horsing around about being naked in front of the camera!  That's right bitches!  We are large and in charge and have no plans to wash these helmets before training camp!


The final takeaway from the 2015 The Body issue is that Tyler Seguin is a duck fucker!



A few more points of note:


In case you do not subscribe to ESPN The Magazine, here is a rundown of the athletes going nakey nakey for us this year, some of whom you have never heard their name.  But they all have absolutely no problem baring their downlows for all the crew to see.  Who follows archery anyway?

Bryce Harper - baseball
Odell Beckham Jr. - football 
Aly Raisman - gymnastics
Kevin Love - basketball
Brittney Griner - basketball
DeAndre Jordan - basketball
Tyler Seguin - hockey
Sadena Parks - golf
Anthony Castonzo, Todd Herremans, Jack Mewhort - football
Natalie Coughlin - swimming
Leticia Bufoni - skateboarding
Ali Krieger - soccer
Stan Wawrinka - tennis
Gabrielle Reece - volleyball
Amanda Bingson - track and field
Dallas Friday - wakeboarding (that's a sport)
Todd Clever - rugby
Page Selenski - field hockey
Khatuna Lorig

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Minnesota Has Flag Problems Too.

Ta hell with the Confederate Flag.  Minnesota's flag is way the fuk more racist.  According to some liberally wrapped professor at the University of Wisconsin - LaCrosse (Judith Harrington is her name), the image of a white farmer working the land while a Native American is hunting on horseback depicts "conquest and genocide."  Oh fukkin' yeah!  This Judy bitch is serious too....


She looks at the image above and sees a pioneer who is a "peaceful man who has laid down his gun and is plowing his field" and the "Indian, who may still want to fight (his spear is at the ready) but who seems to be riding away."   What is it?  Does he want to fight or ride away?  Or does he want to find himself something to eat?

Sorry, bitch.  But exactly WHERE is the pioneer's gun that you say he laid down?  And methinkum you be racist when you sayum Indian must want to fight because he has a spear.  What the fuk kind of stereotypical generalization are you making, teacher bitch?  Ya know Native Americans used spears to hunt, right?  But you automatically assume Chief Galloping Horse wants to scalpum him some paleface.  YOU TWAT!  

I guess she would only be happy if Minnesota changes their state flag to this:


But this flag above might offend white circles, yellow stars and red fonts.  So I propose this for Minnesota's next flag.  Smurfs are imaginary characters, so this won't piss 'em off.


Let's not even start with the Massachusetts flag and the angry Native American with feathers in his hair and a bow and arrows at the ready.   Oh boy......   Elizabeth Warren is gonna lose her shit!!!

Steven Tyler Swings And Misses At Country Music

Brace yourselves country music fans!!  The Crypt Keeper has been threatening us with a crossover to "country" for months.  Well, his first official "country" video has been released and his wild Cecil Fielder kinda swing at Music Row not only missed by a mile, but the overrated rocker spun around and landed on his boney heroin emaciated ass.  Not that we are surprised, but this is about as close to country music as Charlie Manson is to freedom.  And the sad thing here is that the song is actually pretty good.  His voice sounds solid and I like the music.  But it ain't fukkin' country, Mr. Tyler.


Check out the video - he made sure to include all the ingredients of today's country music videos.  There's a closeup of his cowboy boots, a pretty lady in an open field and a blue sky.  But fuk... just partying around a bonfire or standin' in front of a wooden shack or rollin' up in a rusty ol pickup truck doesn't make it a country song.  Beers and moonshine and skinny dippin' in a moonlit crick.... THAT'S a country video!   While he gets some credit for the banjo and harmonica, he loses all of that with his painted fukkin' nails and his pirate shirt.

Take my advice, Stevie boy... re make this video with a half nekkid chick on a Jaguar, call it rock and roll and you will have yourself a hit.


  

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Sawx Win Streak At Three - But Farrell Is Gonna Put A Stop To That!


Oh sheeeeez!  The friggin' Sawx won again last night.  The bandwagon was hauled out of the dumper last night and was outside my bedroom window revvin' it's fukkin' engine!  That other noise you hear is the collective unzipping of the pants of sports radio callers who are going to spend today waxing their ERods over playoff hopes and World Series rotations.  Cuz that's how we fukkin' roll here in New England.

LEAVE ME ALONE!  DON'T ASK ME TO GET ON BOARD UNTIL YOU CAN SEE SECOND PLACE'S NIPPLES!

Hey dummies.... it's a three game winning streak!  Ya know what... when your longest winning streak is 3 and your longest losing streak is 7, ya gotta put it back in your pants and wait for the 7 game winning streak.  The UglyDuchholz and ERod are pitching great.  But Porcello toes the condom tonight and Miley are still around, so you can fuhgettabout that kind of winning streak!

But here's what I do know...  HanRam's new nickname is TitsOnABull.  Since he has been out with a hand injury, the Sox have been kinda hot.  Alejandro De Aza looks like Willie fukkin' Mays compared to TitsOnABull.  Sure, that's an overstatement.  But it sure is nice having a left fielder who can cover more than 5 square feet, runs to the ball and who beats feet on the basepaths like he enjoys the game.  The guy has a 6 game hitting streak, is batting .318 since coming over from Baltimore with 3 homers and 12 RBI.  AND he's catching fly balls.  BONUS.

But hold tight, Sawx fans... the worst manager to have ever won a World Series is about to fuck up your July.  John Farrell told reporters after last night's game that TitsOnABull will be back in the lineup tonight.... meaning every fly ball hit to left tonight will be a hit.  And when Shane Victorious returns from the DL on Friday (Yeah, I forgot he was on the team too), Farrell is planning to platoon De Aza with the Flyin' Hawaiian in right field.  Fukkin' Farrell!!!   I'm thinking Victorino has pictures of his manager doing the nekkid nasty with a luau pig.  Nothing else can explain Farrell's boner for the injury prone outfielder.

So yes... three games straight including two wins over the Blow Jays is nice.  But slow your roll and park that fukkin' bandwagon.  Johnny Farrell is gonna drop a steaming dump on your high hopes soon enough!