Monday, September 28, 2015

MMLS: Hey League, Are You Paying Attention??

G'mornin' and Gaw Bless!  The Pope is back in Rome and the Monday Morning Long Snappah is back to work recrappin' Patriots action for all y'all.


The Tom Brady 2015 How Do My Balls Taste Now Tour was back at the Razor yesterday and brought their unique brand of whoop-assery onto the sorry souls that are the Jacksonville Jaguars.  Those cute little fellas in their pretty helmets came to Foxboro feeling pretty sassy after dropping the Miami Dolphins last week.  Maybe they were a different Jaguar team this year.  Maybe the quarterback with the prep school name (Blake Bortles) could lead them to a .500 season.  But reality kicked 'em all in the boy beans when they saw a real team on the other side of the ball and when the 'phins proved to be barely a JV team - they lost to Buffalo by 30 points.

Brady is simply in another world right now.  He's on a pace to pass for 6,000 yards and 50 touchdowns.  And even though last year proved that the first four games don't mean a spoonful of shit in the grand scheme of shitdom, something is different about how these boys are playing.  They are fukkin' angry and it shows.  I don't want a bye week.  I want to keep the train rolling.  One can only hope that ESPN has another make believe story about video cameras and air pressure and unnamed sources.  Keep fueling the fire, bitches!!!

Yesterday's beatdown was named the "Who The Hell Is Keshawn Martin Episode" - seriously... when the fuk did we get this guy?  Aw, it doesn't mattah.  Seasoned Pats fans understand that we may never see Martin again... must I remind you when we all had boners for the deep threat of Brian Tyms???  It doesn't mattah!!  Jonas Gray?  Zach Sudfeld?  Who was that other fukkin' guy we stole we from the Giants?  The tight end?  Aw shit... IT DOESN'T MATTAH!!!

The only negative in yesterday's game was the absent minded Danny Amendumdum who gave away Brady's 400th touchdown ball to a fan in the front row.  Of course, when asked, Brady was like, "I don't care.  Danny can do whatever he wants."  Ya know why Brady didn't care?  Because he knows there's gonna be a 500th touchdown ball one day.  And because the only ball he really wants is the sterling silver one that sits atop a three sided stand and is given out every February.  So he can shove it up Goodell's ass on national television in a confetti storm.

Lost yesterday in the hooplah of TMFB's 400th touchdown pass was Stephen Gostkowski's 424th consecutive extra point, an NFL record.  This fukkin' guy has not missed an extra point since 2006.  He has led the league in scoring the last three seasons.  He is the all-time scoring leader in Patriots history.  He has made 87% of his field goals in 9 seasons.  Compare that to Adam Vinatieri's 81% success rate in his 10 seasons with the Pats.  It took playing in a dome in Indy for Vinatieri to reach 85%.   Yet, because G-ski has not won a playoff game or Super Bowl with a last second kick, he will never match Vinatieri in the minds of Pats fans.  And that's okay with me.  But make no mistake about it...  when the Pats released Vinatieri in favor of Gostkowski, the Pats actually got better in the kicking game.  More touchbacks.  More field goals made.  More points.

I sure would have liked to be a fly on the wall last night when Rex Ryan checked the stat sheet and found out that the Pats RAN THE BALL 32 times yesterday?  Here is what I would have heard:  "Oh sure, big brave Belichick runs against the Jaguars, but is too chicken shit to run against my defensive line.  Hey honey, can you stir my drink with your toes?  I love you."  

LaGarette Roll Me A Blount reappeared yesterday and served notice to Indianapolis for game #5 when he bulled his way into the endzone three times.  If you think the Patriots have been lighting it up so far, just wait until they get into Indianapolis!  The Colts are gonna feel like they are in the middle of an Under Armour commercial with a thousand Tom Brady's beating the fukkin' snot out of them.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Come Get Papish With Me!!

Get yer Pope tickets here!!!  First come, first serve... come get Papish with us and you will not be sorry.  Get here early for a chance at standing directly behind the baricade and get a kinda up close view of the High Holy One.  That's right, pilgrims.  You too can be moved to tears by just a simple smile and a wave from Pope Frank.  PLUS...  A free Papal bobblehead to the first 600 Catholics to show up waving a Vatican City flag or a fist full of beads to catch a glimpse of the Mr. Hooper look-a-like.

Oh relax wafer-eaters... I'm just playing around with yer guilt ridden asses.  Lightning ain't gonna strike you down if you giggled a little bit at the "fist full of beads" comment.  This Pope is the friggin' balls!!  Seriously, he showed up in Congress and told those sunzobitches what's what!  He made Boehner cry.



All kidding aside - as you well know, I have no use for religion or any organization telling me how to get to heaven while asking me for money and unconditional loyalty.  BUT, there is something about this Pope that moves me.  I don't know what it is.  Oh, I ain't about to "pilgrimage" to a one car parade to catch a wave from a guy in a white bathrobe.  But I will watch this guy and the effect he has on his flock all day long.  I don't know if it's as simple as a study in human behavior or if it's more than that.

And it's not about just "being the Pope" either.  Because the last Pope was a douche bag.  Benedict and his gold laced beanie and creepy whatayadoing stare were not good for the church.  That dude connected with NOBODY!  He never came to the States, because we were probably beneath His Holiness and he didn't want to get any America on his $1,000 shoes.

But Pope Frank.... call me a fan!!!  I like him.

 

Let's Try Being Nice For A Day

We interrupt your regularly scheduled trip down Immaturity Lane to bring you a dose of class, dignity and respect.....  this is a test.  This is only a test.


I kinda like this Pope.  But why are his fans called pilgrims and not groupies?  Or Popies?   Or Poopies.   (oops, there I go again).  And why does he get to wear white after Labor Day?

Bye for now.

In the event of actual maturity and good taste, this will be followed by instructions on how to be a total bore in life.

THERE.  HOW'D I DO?

Monday, September 21, 2015

Dear New Hampshire: SMAHTEN THE FUKKUP!!

To My Fellow Live Free or Diers (and Tom Brady),

ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FUKKIN' MINDS?  Jeezus Harold Christ - Would ya vote for Momma June because she's not a "typical politician" either?  Thanks to many of you, the Donald has been leading the polls in our state for months.  And when asked, your standard answer is because "he says the things I have wanted to say."  Yeah, no shit.  That's why YOU are not running for President.  Because you and I like saying shit that insults, offends and inflames!  We do it for effect.  But would you want the writer of this blog to be running the fukkin' country?


This loud mouthed asshole is nothing but a sophomoric WWE character who HAS NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE to offer.  And you have him leading the polls.  Because he's loud and different.  We all agree that typical politicians on both sides of the aisle are only concerned about gaining control and staying in control.  But do you want Donald the Insulting Douche to be the face of our nation?  He's disrespectful, vulgar and stupid.

Aside from Trump, there are two other atypical politicians on the Republican side who are worth a strong look!  Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina.  Both of whom, by the way, will FUCK with the liberals' minds.  A black man and a woman.   And it appears now that Carly is moving up in the polls.

Politics aside, we also need our President to be dignified and of strong moral character.  You cannot have it both ways.  You cannot shout from the mountaintops about how Slick Willie embarrassed the office by getting his adulterous dick smoked in the Oval Office, and then place yourself in Trump's camp alongside his obnoxious insults and fuk 'em all attitude.

Just because you agree with his alleged ideas on economics and defense and foreign policy, that does not mean he will be a good President.  You might as well call me a viable candidate using that logic.

Here's the simple truth, dummies:  If Trump is the Republican nominee, I, along with many many other red card carrying loyalists, will be forced to vote for whatever asshole the Democrats have put up against him.  Frighteningly, that would include Hillary.  You know how much my ass hurt typing that???   But I would rather have a typical politician with bad policies who puts on a good face than this maniac from Atlantic City.  That's why we have checks and balances!!

Monday Morning Long Snappah: Ya Want An Apple Pie With That Shit Sammitch?!

Confucious say "If you talk too much shit, you leave a little in your mouth and you end up eating it."  Methinks Confucious was one wise muthafukka who channeled a certain foot loving head coach back in the day.

The Pats went up to Buffalo yesterday and stomped on the nuts of those fukkin' blabbahmouths and their fans, who possess an awful lot of bravado for a team that has not sniffed a playoff game since Bill Clinton was livin' on Pennsylvania Ave.  Yes, the strip sack and 19 points allowed in the fourth gave the fans a temporary boner and was a buzzkill to what could have been a complete and total in your face performance.  But in the end, the defense that made no plays in the that last quarter came up huge with Logan Ryan's game sealin' pick of Tyrod Taylor.  From there, it was take a knee and shaddupaya face!

Tommy Muthafukkin Brady tossed his perfectly legally inflated football for 466 yards and three touchdowns.  Dion Lewis gained 138 all purpose yards.  The Gronkapotamus had a "quiet" day with seven catches for 113 yards and a touchdown.  Edeleman had 11 catches for almost a hundred yards and Aaron Dobson showed up with four HUGE stick movin' catches for 87 yards.  The Pats punted just ONCE - on their first drive of the game.  Offensively, TMFB and the boys were beasts.

Brady dropped back to pass 61 friggin' times!!  Belichick's game plan was obvious.  Render Buffalo's vaunted defensive line irrelevant by ignoring the running game and just airing it out.  Ryan has been puffin' out his chest about his big four defensive linemen since July.  They have doled out $260 million in contracts to Mario Williams, Kyle Williams, Marcel Dareus and Jerry Hughes.  Pregame, the four were announced together as if they were some kind of new age Steel Curtain.  What Ryan seems to forget is that the Pats plan for their opponents.  Oh sure, it might be almost impossible to run against those guys.  Belichick says, so why bother?  Especially when you have three rookie offensive linemen and the GOAT under center.

Ryan was obviously a bit testy after the game, although he did acknowledge that he was outcoached by Hoodie.  No shit, Sherlock!  In the week leading up to the game, Ryan brushed off the potential of Dion Lewis, claiming, "We're not going to focus on that kid.  I can't even tell you the kid's name."  After Lewis gained 138 yards, including 98 in the air, someone asked Ryan what he thought about Lewis now.  He angrily replied "I still don't know his name.  Next time, run the ball!"

Therein lies the difference between being a good coach and giving a good press conference.  Belichick looked at the Bills defense and planned accordingly.  Ryan, on the other hand, built his team to stop the run, which does you no good when the other guy does not run.  By the tone in his comments, Ryan was actually insulted that the Patriots only ran the ball 15 times.  Fukkin' dummy!  Do we expect the NFL to investigate the Patriots for refusing to run the ball.  Because like John Harbaugh says, you never see a team do that.

And howzabout that offensive line?  Three rookies on the inside.  Of the 61 times Brady dropped back, he was sacked twice and only hit FIVE TIMES.  One of those sacks was actually a coverage sack on a Brady scramble where he slid just short of the line of scrimmage.  They gave that sack to Mario Williams because he was closest to Brady when he slid.  That's a $260 million d-line that could not get around a bunch of rookies.  No wonder Ryan was pissy.

The defense was AWESOME for three quarters.  Sure, that first drive was worrisome and LeSean McCoy looked like he was going to gain 200 yards by the end of the game.  But after that, Matt Patricia's crew shut the fukkin' door and chased Tyrod Taylor all over the place.  Taylor's passing numbers were good enough - he was 23 for 30 with three touchdowns.  But he also threw three picks and was sacked 8 times.  He spent the whole afternoon shitting his pants under pressure.  The kid ain't ready.  Of course, the Pats went to the dreaded prevent defense in the fourth.  That paired with their stubborn refusal to run the ball with a 24 point lead allowed the Bills to get back in the game.  But in the end, it was the same ol' same ol'.  The Pats came off the field winners against the Bills.  They are like 24-3 in the past 27 games.  But you keep yappin' Bills fans.  You keep making cute little cheater signs.  And we'll keep watching our team kick your pitiful asses.

Scary Moment
There was a frightening moment during the game when Bills safety Aaron Williams was taken off the field in an ambulance for a neck injury.  Word from Buffalo is that he is fine.  He was evaluated at the hospital and released with just his butt hurt.  I'm glad that he is okay and there was nothing catastrophic.  Because today I can shit all over his ass!!   This little fukker was yapping all week about how he did not like the Patriots.

"I hate New England.  It's definitely personal for me," Williams said on Thursday.  
When asked why, he said it was "just the way they carry themselves on the field and stuff."

That's awful ironic coming from a guy who picked up two 15 yard penalties in the first half, one for taunting and a personal foul for hitting Edelman after the play.  By the way, his taunting penalty was for when he got in the face of his former teammate Scott Chandler.  Seems to me SOMEBODY has to fix how he carries himself on the field.  Little bitch.

We'll Cover Gronk
Ryan talked about covering Gronk with King Kong.  But the 82 year old undrafted free agent from Skull Island could not get a work visa in time, which left Sexy Rexy to try to cover Gronk with itty bitty defensive backs and sludge slow linebackers.  Oh, but they thought they could do it.

Cornerback Stephon Gilmore said, "I hope I get Gronk, to be honest with you...I want him."

Here Gilmore is (#24) after lining up on Gronk at the 5 yard line.  I think he's saying "Wuh happened?"

How'd that work out for ya?

We'll Be Loud
The Buffalo fans raised enough money and enough signatures to invite the Guinness Book of World Records out to the game on Sunday.  They promised noise that would rival Kansas City.  Belichick said during the week that it would be as loud as the Patriots allow it to be.  In other words, if they get out to a lead and play well, the fans will be out of the game.  Rex thought that was pretty good bulletin board material, so he hung his hat on that, trying to use a manufactured over-confidence on the Pats behalf to stoke the flames.  But by the end of the third quarter, fans were headed to their cars.  They gave it their best, but like their football team, the fans lost the big one.

Penalties
This is why Rex Ryan is a coach who will just never get it.  He didn't learn from his time in New Jersey.  Instead of controlling his team's emotions, he fans them.  And he ends up with what happened on Sunday.  A team out of control.  14 penalties for 140 yards, many of them the 15 yard unsportsmanlike variety on special teams.  Of course, Bills fans are claiming the refs were the difference, ignoring the fact that the Pats were whistled for 11 penalties and 119 yards.  It was an ugly game.  But the bottom line is that Buffalo went backwards for 193 yards yesterday (53 yards worth of sacks) and ya just cannot win when you go backwards.

VICTORY DANCE
As always, we reserve a special victory dance for wins over Rex Ryan.  Usually it involves man boobs and belly fat.  Gisele will be back next week.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Tell Me How THIS Looks Like A Clock!!

At first blush, it sounds ridiculous, right?  A 14 year old Texas kid built his own clock at home.  He brought it in to school this Monday to impress his teacher, who immediately thought the clock could be a bomb and called the police.  Police arrested the young wizard and school officials suspended him for three days.  Social media has blown the fuk up (excuse the poor choice of words) with support for the kid and anger at the overreaction to his cute little home project, that LOOKED LIKE A FUKKIN BOMB!

After questioning the boy, police dismissed the case.  The suspension still stands but 14 year old Ahmed Mohamed is a celebrity.  He wears NASA tshirts and says his dream is to attend MIT.  In other words, he's wikkid smaht!!  He has been invited by Mark Zuckerberg to tour Facebook headquarters.  And President Obama has invited the young Muslim to the White House.

Yep, you read that correctly... it took Obie two days to reach out to Ahmed and invite him to the White House.  Still waiting on this asshole to invite the family members of executed police officers to the White House.  The divisiveness continues from this administration, yet the President is just looking at us and laughing because there is NOTHING we can do about it.

By the way, have you SEEN young Ahmed's "clock"?   You tell me...



How does THIS even resemble a clock?  If a white teen walked into a classroom with a homemade pencil sharpener that was in the shape of a fukkin' bazooka, would that be a good idea?  Would that kid be considered a "brilliant young mind?"  Would that kid be glad handing with the President?  No, because that would be just as fukkin' stupid as what Ahmed did here.  

There are two possibilities here:  The kid is as smart as everyone here alleges, which means he intentionally made his clock to look like a bomb and knew how the teacher would react.  Or the kid is so gawdam stupid that he thinks this is a clock.  If I duct tape a digital alarm clock to a fukkin' milk jug, that ain't a homemade clock.  I'm sorry people... but the school officials followed policy.  And straying from policy just because the President chimed in or because the kid wears a NASA shirt would be bad precedent.  


Monday, September 14, 2015

NFL Sunday In Review: Eli Is A Doofus!!!

That sound you heard Thursday night was the last dying breath of the baseball season.  Pull the plug already - because nobody gives a bag of pickle dicks about the Pirates/Brewers series, Blue Jays power or the Houston Ain't In The NL Anymore When Did That Happen Astros.  That's because our Saturdays and Sundays are now filled with zone blitzes, bubble screens, Gronk spikes, Lee Corso, Carrie Underwood and the Manning brothers sucking.  Thaaaaat's right... it's the foozball season, Bobby Boucher!  It's the devil and it's got me by the medulla oblongata.

The Enn Eff Ell got underway in full effect this weekend and the stoopidity on display only served to reaffirm that guys like Tomlin, Harbaugh, Carroll and the rest of the coaching hierarchy had better start worrying about calling fukkin' plays instead of worrying about bugged locker rooms and soft balls.  

Let's start with my favorite moment of the weekend, shall we?  And that's the short bus shenanigans that went on in the Giants huddle with under two minutes to go and on the Cowboys 5 yard line with a three point lead.  A touchdown puts the Giants up by 10.  The Cowboys have no timeouts and would need TWO possessions and TWO scores.  So Blank Stare Eli told his running back Rashad Jennings NOT TO SCORE.  Because I guess he preferred to run the clock, get a field goal and go up by 6 with 40 seconds left?  So, Jennings did what he was told.. he was stopped at the one yard line on two straight runs.  The clock continued to tick.  Okay... at least the Giants will run it one more time on third down, and run another 45 seconds off the clock.  Then they would kick the field goal with approximately 45 seconds left.

HAH!!  That's what one would THINK was going to happen.  Except Eli decided to roll out of the pocket and throw the ball into the first row.  STOPPING THE FUKKING CLOCK with 1:30 left.  Peyton's little brother could have taken a sack and kept the clock running.  But nope.  Guess Bad Comedian Eli Manning took over.  Of course, you know what happens.  Tony Blomo got the ball back with 1:27 left, marched down the field and threw the game winning touchdown to Jason Witten.  Hey Giants fans... that's your $21 million per year quarterback right there.  The guy who has not been to the playoffs in 4 years, but makes a pissah Direct TV commercial.  

Editah's Lament:  Why couldn't Bad Comedian Eli Manning have shown up in the Super Bowls?

Then there was Mile High Shit Show, aka The Pick Six Parade!!  This was a quarterback duel for the ages where both Peyton Manning and Joey Flaccid threw touchdown passes to the other team to account for the only touchdowns of the game.  The Elder Manning seems to be picking up right where he left off...  missing open receivers, collapsing under pressure.  I'll give him this... he can still yell "OMAHA" with the best of them.  Flacco and Manning combined for three interceptions and no touchdowns.  Add their quarterback rating together and you get 98.1.   Just 43 behind TMFB this week.  (AND 55 behind rookie Marcus Mariota).

Speaking of Mariota, he did nothing but take Fraudulent Jameis Winston to school once again.  The last time these two faced each other, Mariota went on to the national championship game while Winston was doing the Sanchez, picking his ass up off the turf.  Yesterday, Marcus was brilliant.  Jameis... not so much.  His very first pass was a pick six.  He threw two picks and fumbled twice.  Not sure if he yelled "F*** her in the p***y" but he certainly looked like he spent all summer eating hot crab legs.  Heard today that Winston is 26-0 against every other quarterback and 0-2 against Mariota.  Heeee

And lastly, Coach of the Century Petey Carroll was at it again.  This time, he thought it a good idea to onside kick to start overtime, giving the Rams the ball in field goal range already.  I nearly pissed myself laughing at the I'm A Dumb Fuk look on his gum chewing face.  Oh, but then it got better.  The Rams took the lead with a field goal.  But with the new rule, the Seahawks would get once chance to tie or win.  It was 4th and 1 from the Rams 43.  Wilson handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch, you know, because he is BEAST MODE and he would have won the Super Bowl had he run it.  Oh, but wait.  Lynch was stuffed short and the game was over.  POETIC JUSTICE right there.  At least Carroll can take solace in the fact that... oh never mind.  He's an idiot.

That's all for now... gotta get ready for a week of listening to Rex Ryan strut like a well hung cock in a hen house.  Until Sunday night that is.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Aw Dammit! Mike Tomlin Is A Whiny Bitch Too??


Never took Mike Tomlin for one of them whiners, but there he was after the game boo hooing like a 4 year old who didn't get his ice cream.  The Stillers head coach did not flat out say it, but he was might as well have.  Tomlin obviously believes that the Pats were involved in some nefarious headset tampering scheme last night.  And that they do it all the time.  Fahkin' WAAAHHH!!  Zippy McDipshit should probably be told that the headset communications are in the hands of the NFL.  And in case ya missed it, the NFL ain't exactly driving the Pats bandwagon these days.

By the way, the Pats had the same problems.  Difference is that Belichick just kept coaching.  Ya know.  Cuz that's what wins games.

Okay Mikey!  So I guess the bad headsets made Josh Scobee shank two field goals?  And was it Scott Zolak who whispered into your ear and told you to leave Gronk UNCOVERED?  And was it only the defensive headsets that were fukked up?  I mean, your offense racked up 464 fukkin' yards, so it seemed Big Ben and his crew managed just fine.  Just shaddup and accept the gawdam loss already.  It's that kind of paranoia that has you and others already defeated before the coin toss, fahchrissake!

The Steelers rolled out a new defensive scheme last night.
They call it the Cover None!
This is what it will be going forward.  Every fukkin' thing will be suspicious or "pushing the envelope of legality."  Big Ben thought the Pats defensive line did something illegal when they shifted left just before the snap and cause two of his linemen to jump offsides at the one yard line.  He protested like a Harbaugh wondering who to cover.  "They fucking shifted!  They fucking shifted!" lip readers made out.

After the game, The Great Play Extender offered up his reason for being so upset and sounded like a fukkin' buffoon who has not played in the league for eleven years.

“I thought that there was a rule against that,” Roethlisberger said. “Maybe there’s not. Maybe it’s just an unwritten rule. . . . We saw it on film, that the Patriots do that. They shift and slide and do stuff on the goal line, knowing that it’s an itchy trigger finger-type down there.” 

Whoa Ben!!  Hold on a second!!  You saw it on film?  But your guys jumped anyway?  Tell us this, young grasshopper… when you saw it on film, did you also see the refs throw the flag?  No?  Ya wanna know why?  Cuz it’s legal.

Not to mention, you made that same Patriot defensive line shift work for you in the third quarter on your first touchdown.  From the exact same spot – the one yard line – the Pats shifted and your guy ran right over the tackle hole they vacated when they shifted.  I don’t remember you complaining to the ref after that touchdown? 

As a matter of fact, the Steelers and Big Ben KNEW the Pats would shift again in that situation.  They were not surprised and should cut the bitching.  Watch Beachum and guard Ramon Foster jump before the snap and pay attention to the direction they moved - To their right, blocking down with the shift.  Hell, the defense would be doing half the work for them because they would already moving in that direction.  The running back was going to hit the same hole as the third quarter touchdown.  They saw the Pats do it on film.  They saw that they could make it work for them.  Once it worked for them.  Once, not so much.  That’s football and Ben knows it. 

 Foster offered up his own excuses, forgetting the fact that despite his knowing when the ball would be snapped, he still moved too early.  

“They time it up in the cadence,” Steelers left guard Ramon Foster said. “Yeah, that’s one of the things they do. Welcome to Foxborough. . . .I think it’s more heightened because it’s [the Patriots] and it looks like – whatever the case may be. They’re a team that likes to take advantage of those type of situations, and we can’t give that to them.”

Welcome to Foxboro??  Asshole, they are going to do that on the fukkin’ road to.  Because it’s legal. 

Foster continues, “They’re a team that likes to take advantage of those type of situations..”  What type of situations?  Facing ill-prepared coaches and moronic offensive linemen who, despite having seen the Patriots do this on film, jump anyway?  Guess what Ramon! That’s why the Patriots win.



It's old.  And it's tiring.  But I am starting to think the Patriots are really at the root of all of this shit.  I am going with this theory:  All of these "unnamed sources" spreading rumors about bugged locker rooms, dumpster diving for play sheets and deflating footballs are really Patriot moles sowing the seeds of paranoia into the schizofukked minds of opposing players and coaches.  These guys show up in Foxboro like they just came from sharing pudding in the Cuckoo's Nest with Cheswick and McMurphy.  Instead of preparing to play football, they are circled up in the locker room making sure nobody gets in.  Fukkin hilarious!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2015

It's a Bannah Day For A Fuk You Pahty!


Seven months of reegawdamdiculousness is behind us.  This is the day the Lawd hath made.  Let us rejoice and be wikkid fahkin' glad!!   TMFB is stuffin' his golden hands under center tonight against my other favorite team.  Fahk yunz all!!  I know... a Pats fan likin' the Stillers is like Oprah ordering a salad.  Ya just don't see it that often.  But in my fahked up skitzo kinda way, I will hate the Black and Gold tonight before going back to lovin' them tomorrow.

Just before kickoff, the 4th bannah will be raised for the loyals to see to the spot where it will spend all of eternity.  And Patriot Nation will drop their pants and slap their cheeks in the southwesterly direction of Roger Goodell.  Here's some fukkin' moonshine for ya, Ginger Fuck!  At the same time, they will be dropping a metaphorical turd on the heads of the ESPNers in Bristol!  

As far as football goes, I have no idea how the Patsies are gonna do tonight.  Yeah, I know... Brady did not get a first down until the third preseason game.  But that holds about as much significance as a Wells Report.  Tonight is the real deal.  Ya got yer Meathead at tight end and yer minipsycho in the slot.  Ya got yer first teamers in the trenches and who the fuk knows at running back.  So the offense should be fine.  But that defense??  The fat guys should be solid as will be the linebackers.  But I have no fakin' idea who's gonna cover who.  Is Butlah gonna really turn one amazing play into a #1 cornerback job?  We'll see.  I ain't sold yet.  But somebody better get on Rapelisberger before he finds Antonio Brown wide open.  And Heath Millah scares the poopies out of me.  

But then again, IBWT!!!    Wussat?  In Bill We Trust!  Thank God the Pats hired that pocket sized oompa loompa to sneak into Mike Tomlin's britches and steal his plays.  

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

ESPN vs. The Patriots: Becoming Shameful and Embarrassing!

Maybe it's all because Bill Belichick looked Tom Jackson in the eye and said "Fuck you" on the field after the Pats 2004 Super Bowl win over the Panthers, their 3rd in 4 years.  I mean, the hatred of the Patriots by ESPN MUST have a genesis, right?  There MUST be something... the inaccuracy of Chris Mortensen and the network's refusal to acknowledge that the four letter network played an active and undeniable role in propagating the DeflateGate story only perpetuated the belief that the dillweeds in Bristol have a stick up their asses over the Patriots.  So maybe it was that moment when Hoodie refused to bow down to a has-been linebacker and his all powerful network that put the rest of the ESPNers on the warpath against the Patsies.

If you don't know that story, pull up a stool and have a listen.

At the beginning of 2003 season, Hoodie cut Lawyer Milloy 5 days before the season opener against Buffalo.  Milloy signed with the Bills the next day and helped Buffalo flat out destroy the Pats, 31-0.  Tom Jackson went on the air after that game and announced to the world that the Patriot players "hate their coach."  Kinda like Dilfer and Young telling us last year that Brady hated the ownership.

Jackson's words: "Let me say this very clearly.  They hate their coach and their season could be over."  After one game, the season was over, according to some washed up pile of vomit who later admitted that he never really talked to any Patriot players before proclaiming hatred on their behalf.  Of course, Tommy Jackoff was wrong.  So wrong.  The Patriots and their "hated" coach responded like they always respond when someone from the outside challenges their integrity.  They stomped mudholes in every team in their path.  They lost just one more game that year and beat the Panthers in the Super Bowl.  Because of Jackson's lies on the air, Belichick would not talk to ESPN that season.  But after the game, Jackson was on the field on the ESPN set with Berman and offered a congratulatory hand to Belichick.  Hoodie had just two words and no handshake for Jackson.  Fuck You.

That is all it took for ESPN to put Hoodie and the Pats in their dog house.  Belichick had the unmitigated gall to refuse ESPN interviews for an entire season.  ESPN's answer:  Just keep making up shit and manufacturing controversy.  Good for ratings, Pats be damned.

The inefficiencies and incompetency of the NFL and its legal team was on full display the last few weeks in Judge Berman's court room.  The NFL suffered an embarrassing defeat.  But today, I think ESPN is embarrassing themselves even more by drudging up Spygate once again.  Ya see, the Bristol Dinks had their hopes pinned to Goodell winning in court.  But Brady and the Pats won again.

So now, they are continuing their crusade by "reporting" that Spygate was much worse than what has been reported.  8 fukkin' years ago.  The crux of the story:  Goodell was extra hard on the Patriots this time because he helped conceal video tape evidence and was not hard enough 8 years ago.  A make up call.  Sure, that makes sense.  Assholes.

In 2007, the Patriots were caught filming Jets coaches hand signals from the sidelines during the opening game of the season.  Mind you, it was not the videotaping of the coaches that was illegal.  A team was allowed to do that from the press box and other approved locations in the stadiums.  You just could not do it from the sidelines.  So they broke the rules.  Belichick admitted to the infraction.  They were fined a first round draft pick and $750 thousand dollars.  Seems fairly hefty, but the league had sent a memo to all teams before that season warning them that they cannot tape from the sidelines.  So the Pats had to suck it up and accept their punishment.  Along with this new moniker of "CHEATERS."

Mind you, many teams were doing the same thing before that season.  Which is why the league sent the memo.  Today's ESPN report claims that the Pats recorded coaches signals as many as 40 games before that season.  I don't doubt that.  Because it seems EVERY team was doing it.  AND BECAUSE BELICHICK ACKNOWLEDGED THAT FACT at the end of the 2007 season.. that they had taped "significant number of games."  So this is not really news.  After the memo was sent out, the Pats did it one more time, got caught, and served the punishment.  Today's story talks about the Pats having diagrams of Steelers defensive signals.  Um... that's not cheating.  If you cannot change your signals or if they are that easy to decode, then it's you who sucks.  Sorry.

Hell... the Patriots win because they work harder, prepare more and flat out do it better.  Ask Reggie Wayne.  That do-nothing stat padder wanted no part of playing in New England, which is why he asked to be released.  He said playing for the Patriots was "too tough" and "not fun."  And THAT'S why you suck, good sir.  Because you don't try hard enough.

ESPN just shamelessly reports shit that does not fukkin' exist.  A few weeks ago, ESPN allowed TWO of their on-air personalities to unequivocally report that the Patriots were found to have video taped a Rams walk-through practice prior to the 2001 Super Bowl.  Ignoring the fact that the Boston Herald story that originally reported that story in 2007 was retracted and proven to be false.  When called on it, ESPN issued a midnight apology for misrepresenting the story.

But whattaya know... IN TODAY'S report on ESPN.com, those assholes just keep on keepin' on.  Unbelievably, they reference that untrue story once again.  From the story:

A former member of the NFL competition committee says the committee spent much of 2001-06 "discussing ways in which the Patriots cheated," even if nothing could be proved. It reached a level of paranoia in which conspiracy theories ran wild and nothing -- the notion of bugging locker rooms or of Brady having a second frequency in his helmet to help decipher the defense -- was out of the realm of possibility. There were regular rumors that the Patriots had taped the Rams' walk-through practice before Super Bowl XXXVI in February 2002, one of the greatest upsets in NFL history, a game won by the Patriots 20-17 on a last-second Adam Vinatieri field goal. 

They admit that nothing could be proved, yet also rely on "regular rumors" to make their story.  No fukkin' shame!!!  They ADMITTED TWO FUKKIN WEEKS AGO THAT THERE WAS NO TRUTH TO THE STORY OF TAPING THE RAMS PRACTICE!  Yet, they just throw that nugget into their story because it furthers their agenda.

The story quotes a "source close to the Panthers" regarding the 2004 Super Bowl.

"Our players came in after that first half and said it was like [the Patriots] were in our huddle," a Panthers source says.  "Do I have any tape to prove they cheated?" this source says. "No. But I'm convinced they did it."

Oh, I didn't know you were CONVINCED.  That's different!!  Gawdam cheaters.

Just to remind everyone what happens around here....  In 2003, Tom Jackson told the world the Pats hated their coach.  Pats lost just one game after that and won the Super Bowl.  In 2007, The Jets, Rams and others claim the Pats are cheaters.  The Pats won 18 straight games and were just a velcro sticker on a helmet away from another championship.   In 2014, Steve Young and Trent Dilfer told the world that Tom Brady was in decline and that he was angry with the front office.  Pats went 13-2 after that and won another Super Bowl.

So keep it up ESPN!  We can just build more trophy cases.  Assholes!  You just keep paying guys like Ray Lewis and Cris Carter while shouting about integrity.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Brady Ruling Vacated! ESPN To Appeal?

To the Gingah Hammah...  how you like the feel of balls bouncin' off your chin, Douchey McDouchebag?

First.... let's cue the Victory Dance!!!



Rodjah got slapped silly today by the good judge from NYC.  Not necessarily because TMFB is innocent (I insist that he is, by the way).  But because Goodell is a power-delusional fuck knob who thinks he can just wield supreme executive power because some watery tart threw a sword at him (thanks Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail - you didn't bother to ask, did you?).

In case you missed it, the world is round, Kanye's a prick and TMFB is playing next week.  That's because Judgey Wudgey Dick Berman did not think much of the NFL's ahem "independent" investigation and ensuing arbitration circle jerk.  That's also because, as John Harbaugh can attest, Brady and the Pats know the rule book better than ANYONE.  And they don't have to tell you what they know until they have used that knowledge to pummel you into submission.

It was not eligible receiver formations this time.  It was understanding the term "fundamental fairness" as it applies in federal statutes to judicial analysis of arbiter findings.  Much like the Ravens had no fukkin' clue who to cover and why back in January, NFL attorneys and their carrot topped leader were completely blindsided by "fundamental fairness."   And Judge Berman beat 'em over the head with the Terrell Suggs Ugly Stick for being such morons.

Editah-in-Cheef with today's decision from the Most Honorable Richard Berman
I read the 40 page decision so you won't have to.  Unless of course you want ten minutes of alone time with some amazing sports porn.  Then go find it and read it.  But let me give you the crib notes:
Tom Brady's suspension is vacated effective immediately.  Roger Goodell and his attorneys are fence-post stupid.  The Clerk is respectfully requested to close cases 15 Civ. 5916 and 15 Civ. 5982.
The judge took a shit on the appeal hearing for three reasons:  1) Inadequate notice to Brady of both his potential discipline and his alleged misconduct (He was never told he could be suspended for failing to cooperate); 2) Denial of opportunity for Brady to question a lead investigator (He was not allowed to call Dan Pash during the appeal); and 3) Denial of equal access to files, notes and witnesses during the appeal.  So basically, Goodell, Wells, Pash et al set out to corn hole Brady with a splintered stick, fundamental fairness be damned!!

The beauty of this is that the NFL was the fukkin' PLAINTIFF in this case.  That's because they were so afraid of the NFLPA filing an appeal in Minnesota that they ran their little asses up the street to Judge Berman's court and filed their complaint first.  You read that right... after "winning" the appeal, Goodell filed a complaint with the courts, just so that he could control where the case would be heard.  Dumb fuck!!

Goodell has a bigger sense of invincibility than the friggin' Clintons.  Word is out that he is appealing.  Unbelievable.  Maybe someone should have educated Dirty Red in the basic unavoidable rules of life:  death, taxes, Lindsay Lohan relapses and TOM BRADY DOES NOT LOSE!!!!   Well, unless you have velcro on your helmet.

To my knowledge, there is no truth to the rumor that immediately upon hearing the decision, ESPN announced that they would appeal the decision to the highest courts.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A Month After Approving Drilling In Alaska, He Does This

July 21, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama approves Royal Dutch Shell's permit to begin drilling for oil off Alaska's Arctic coast.

August 31, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama jumps on Air Force One and flies 3,365 miles to Alaska, spewing jet fuel and greenhouse gases all the way, to talk about climate change.

September 1, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama whips on his coolest north country jacket and shades to tell Alaskans that climate change is really REALLY worrisome.  Then he poses for some photos with scenery and park rangers.  Yahoo headline reports "In Climate Bid, Obama Stares Down Melting Glacier" as if he's at a fukkin' heavyweight weigh-in before the big fight.



At some point this week, B. Hussein is gonna rename Mount McKinley to Denali.  He might even rub noses with an eskimo or mush a husky from a sled.  And then he's gonna fly another 3,365 miles on Air Force One back to DC to plan his Labor Day trip to the Vineyard.  Way too fukkin' busy to comment on the execution of police officers.