Monday, January 25, 2016

All Else Aside, That Was One Helluva GronkShow!

Now that the pain of that Mile High junk punch has dulled to the point that I can see straight again, let's talk about dem Pats and exactly how Denver managed to punch their ticket to Santa Clara to face the Dabbin' Douchebag of Carolina and his pretty blue freight train!

Forget Clutchkowski's missed extra point, fahchrisake!  And forget for just a second that Obi Wan Kabelichick chose against the field goal with 6 minutes to go even though his defense held Denver to 83 yards in the second half (31 of which came on one run).  And forget that Jamie Collins could not figure out how to cover Owen Daniels in the first half.  Yes, all of those things played a factor in the crash landing end to the season.  But none of those things would have been a factor had the Pats been able to figure out the Broncos' defense.

The Broncos baffled Brady with simple math.  They used 8 defenders to cover 5 receivers.  That allowed them to triple team Gronk and double team Edelman and handle James White, Danny Amendola and Keyshawn Martin with man to man.  If you were wondering where the quick releases were and why TMFB looked like a lost boy out there, that's because nobody was open.

By the way... this is math that should not ever EVER work in an NFL football game.  Common sense tells you that your FIVE guys should be able to block their THREE guys all fukkin' day!  But here is where the home field advantage came into play.  And here is why I will tell you that the Patriots lost this game when they rugby kicked against the fukkin' Eagles 5 weeks ago.

Because of the crowd noise, the Pats were forced to use a silent count.  Brady could not change up his cadence to slow down Miller and Ware because he was not using a cadence.  Center Stork would bob his head a second before he snapped.  And the Broncos were timing that head bob to perfection, leaving the tackles spinning like tops and forcing Brady to throw lasers at the cleats of the nearest receiver.  Sure, Marcus Cannon sucks pickle dicks and Sebastian Vollmer was playing hurt.  But they weren't having that problem last week against KC at home.  Last week, the Chiefs registered one QB hit.  Yesterday, the Broncos had TWENTY hits on Tommy Boy.

There are a few things that can be done to slow down the pass rush... run the ball more (Pats had 17 carries and Brady was the leading rusher), throw more screen passes or bring in extra blockers, which is what they did against Dallas when Greg Hardy was all over Brady in the first half.  I don't remember seeing the two or three tight end set ONCE!  Michael Williams should have been brought in as an extra blocker for most of this game.  But hey... the Hoodie has more rings than me, so I'll shut up.

Bottom line... Wade Phillips pressured Brady without blitzing, the recipe the Giants used in two Super Bowls.  If this was easy to do, every team would do that and Brady would be Tannehill.  But what Phillips knew going in was that the Pats biggest weakness was their offensive line.  And he out-hoodied the Hood.  Credit to Bum's little boy.  But fuk him anyway.

But enough with the negatives...  can we talk about Gronk?  Holy shit, that was by far his greatest performance as a Patriot in list of jaw dropping GronkShows!  First, the guy was double and triple teamed all day.  He worked his ass into altitude sickness and dehydration.  He limped off the field at least twice.  At one point, the man beast was face down on the sidelines huffin' oxygen and getting his tired, cramping legs rolled out.  But there he was on the last drive, running a 30 yard seam route step for step with double coverage on 4th and 10, and extending yet another drive for TMFB.  That was only to be followed by another fight through another double team holding and pawing at him along the endline to make an incredible touchdown catch with 12 seconds left.  He was so gawdam exhausted that he couldn't even Gronkspike the ball.  He just dropped it to the turf and ambled back to the sidelines like he was DONE.

Just lemme finish this oxygen and I'll get you that touchdown!!
Haters love to poke fun at his seemingly oafish big dope personality.  But there can be NOBODY who would ever question what this guy is made of after that game yesterday.  He finished with 144 yards receiving on 8 receptions (15 targets) and a touchdown.  Only one of the greatest Patriots post season games by a receiver in history.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Bernie Sanders Really Has No Clue

I don't know what the hell to do this election!  My side is being led by a narcissistic petulant little child who redlined the Ridiculous Meter when he pulled that fukkin' maniac from Alaska into his fold to suck the balls of the Tea Party and turned their podium into something from the WWgawdamE!  Far behind him are some legitimate candidates who are having a hard time being heard over the Trump keg party noise.

The Jackasses, meanwhile, are being led by a pantsuit of criminal deceit and corruption who is quick to tell you that her biggest accomplishment is flying in a lot of airplanes.  And the other Democrat with a chance is an aged moron from Vermont stoned on Ben & Jerrys who is running on an agenda of everything you want to hear that will never happen because it's idiotic.

I've spent enough time on that fukkin' doucheberry Hillary.  So let's spend a few minutes tearing down Bernie's platform and his lack of a clue.

First, student loans.  Oh sure, he does want to to lower interest rates on student loans and I am all for that.  That might be the only thing he speaks to that has a chance of ever happening - interest rates SHOULD be lower on student loans.  HOWEVER, his statements on this topic prove he doesn't have a gawdam clue about basic economics!!!  He recently tweeted this little nugget of stupidity!!
Except, Bernie, that it makes PERFECT sense!  You see, you old coot, car loans and mortgages are what you would call SECURED LOANS!!  In other words, if you don't pay, they take your shit away.  Banks can give lower interest rates because they have the protection of repossession or foreclosure.  They cannot repossess a college degree!  That's UNSECURED, so you have to expect to pay a higher rate.

But then Uncle Bernie takes it a few steps further.  He claims he will make tuition free for all public colleges and universities.  But then he goes on to clarify that public colleges shall meet 100% of financial needs of the lowest-income students.  Wait, what about the middle income students?  And the high income students?  Public colleges really will NOT be free, then, right?  Also, if college is free, then why would we need to worry about interest rates on student loans?

Bernie claims that his college plan would cost $75 billion dollars and would be paid for by taxing Wall Street speculators.  Big problem here too....  In 2014, there were 14 million students attending public colleges and universities.  The average cost of attendance was $15,640 per year.  Real math tells me that free college for 14 million students would cost $224 billion dollars.  Looks like Bernie's common core Vermont math was only off by about $150 billion dollars.  Small potatoes.

Bern also took the time to let us know that he has no fukkin' idea how the Supreme Court works.
Um, Senator Sanders.... that's not how it works.  Supreme Court justices do not get to just set their agenda on any old controversy.  Article III of the Constitution states clearly that the highest court in the land is not to step in until a case arrives at their bench.  They do not just get to say, "Okay, today I want to take on Citizen United decision."  The Supreme Court only has appellate jurisdiction, meaning two parties have to disagree and end up in federal court.  And they have to follow the process that would make the Supreme Court the last stop.  Justices cannot ignore other decisions in front of them, so to say any decision would be "first" is ignorant at best.  But Bernie says things that will give voters liberal boners without understanding reality.

Oh and then there was this tweet of imbecility.

I guess the cute old gentleman from Vermont does not realize that one of these things is a FUKKIN CRIME!!  Until the burning a fatty becomes legal, if ya get caught smoking it, then you're gonna get a criminal record.  But let's be clear, lots of kids who smoke marijuana do not have a criminal record and lots of CEO's who have broken laws to ruin lives do have criminal records.  Again, he speaks to what the voters like to hear, regardless of facts or reality.

But that's okay... you keep listening to Uncle Bernie.  And keep telling yourself that college will be free and that everyone will make the same money someday.  Me... I'll be over hear watching a different fantasy film.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Travis Kelce Apparently Tried Mocking Brady Pre-Game! Idiot.

Who the fuk is Travis Kelce and what the hell made him think mocking Brady and getting in his face pre-game was a good idea?  Didn't anyone tell him that he has done nothing in this league and that the last thing ya wanna do is rile up Tommy Boy?  Oh, by the way... good job with those 23 receiving yards!  Change that number, doucheberry!  It's an insult to Gronk!
A video posted by daniel romero (@dromero.34) on

Pats Back In AFC Championship. Hey World, You Bored Yet?

Ya know what's funny?  When Gronk misses two and a half practices, gets injections for his knee and treatment for his back, and gets Fuckface and Mazzadouchebag jerking off over pending disastah!  And then Gronk just goes out and makes 7 catches for 83 yards and two scores.  Eat balls, you dix!

So, you lucky bastids, your favorite Long Snappah is workin' today providin' you with wikkid fukkin' awesome sports analysis.  Workin' today because the Patsies took their playofftastic selves to work yesterday instead of the usual Sunday Funday, which means I get to take tomorrow off celebratin' my favorite Republican, MLK.

There was a Boston Sports Hat Trick yesterday, a pissahpalooza if you will.  The Pats, Beez and Ceez all posted wins and bahs from Southie to Chickahpee were filled with happy Massholes waggin' their sports bonahs at the world!

Marchand the Nose Face Killah potted a game winnah with 47 ticks on the clock.  Jae Clam Crowdah made a layup with three seconds left for the win ovah the Wizzids.  And MiniTron grabbed a ball out of the air that had already deflected off three other players for a first down with 53 seconds left that allowed TMFB to take three knees and go to his 10th AFC Championship game in his 14th season as a starter.  He's been to more conference championships than 27 NFL teams!  #aintcheatin!  #stillwinnin!  #canttouchthis!  #fuckyouall!   Oh... and #IamstillbangingGisele!

The Pats implemented a wide range of training regimens to get ready for yesterday's tilt against the Chiefs.  Hoodie took a trip to the Fight Club.  The ManGronk spent the week at the hospital getting pain shots and railing hot nurses.  Chandler Bing Jones traded a high protein high carb diet for some fake cannabis and a PCP topless trip to the police station.  Brady still drank his brain water and vodey-o-do'd Gisele.   Amendola fought his neighbors and Edelman grew his beard.  The Pats did what they always do... they put aside the outside noise, drank a little drank, smoke a little smoke, build a little carport and did their job!

Let's look at the game for a minute.  Forget the final score.  Against a defense that was third in the NFL in points allowed, third in sacks and 9th in passing yards allowed, the Pats game plan was to.... what???  PASS????   Of course it was to pass.  They don't give a rat's ass who is across the ball.  They win with Brady.  Mr. Bundchen's completion percentage was not spectacular, thanks in part to several drops by Edelman.  But he finished with a passer rating of 103.5.  Brady dropped back to pass 42 times yesterday and was not sacked.  Hell, the Chiefs only registered ONE quarterback hit (and got a 15 yard penalty for it).  It's not a coincidence by the way that the recently porous, horrendous offensive line suddenly protected Brady well with the return of Edelman!  Along with Brady's pocket mobility, it's no wonder the Chiefs could not even lay a finger on Tommy Boy!

The first drive went 80 yards in 11 plays, all passes!  Sorry Stephen Jackson... we ain't runnin' today.  Welcome to New England!  Take away the three knees at the end of the game, the Pats ran the ball 11 times.  But they only handed off to their backs 8 times as Brady had 3 meaningful carries including a 12 yard scamper to the pylon that I still say was a touchdown and a half yard reach the ball over the pile touchdown!

The rest of the football world may despise Brady for many reasons... jealousy, butt hurtedness, handsome good looks, tuck rule, deflated footballs, undeniable success... but they cannot deny that this guy just flat out wills his team to wins with the way he plays the game.  That prick was fired the fuk up yesterday and there was no way he was not going to win.  You knew during that run to the endzone that once he passed the 5 yard line he was not fukkin' sliding.  He was not fukkin' runnin' out of bounds.  He was going to take whatever hit was coming and he was going to try to score.  Cuz this is real football, fukkers!  And this is a different Brady this season!  On a GFY mission to yank that trophy out of the hands of the Ginger Hammer and stick a Post-It note on Goodell's forehead that says, "How You Like Dem Apples?"

So with that, let's dance a little dance...

Friday, January 8, 2016

Nah, I'd Rather Not Pet Your Pit Bull

On Sunday, this 9 year old boy died after he was mauled by his sister's three pit bulls in their trailer in Yuba County, California.  He had been left alone with the dogs when his 24 year old sister left for work.  "She really had no idea that these dogs would be violent," said her attorney.  "She had no reason to believe that these dogs would be a threat to her younger brother."  The grieving sister said her brother Tyler "loved those dogs.  He laid with them. He played fetch with them.  He ran around the yard playing like a little boy and they followed him."

In Tennessee last month, a man adopted a 5 year old Rottweiler from a humane society in the town of Jackson.  Took little poochie home and was promptly attacked and killed by said rotty.  Sorry, but you cannot color me shocked here.  And with even more apologies to my friends who own or support pit bulls and rottweilers, these are bad breeds.  Relax....I'm not saying YOUR dog is a bad dog.  I'm saying it's a bad breed.  There really can be no argument.

Oh I know, I know.  You have all kinds of cute little stories to share about your lovable, sweet little pet.  And I know the large majority of these dogs never kill anything larger than a laser pointer light on the kitchen floor.  But spare me the old "It's not a bad dog.  It's a bad owner." argument.  Can you tell me then why so many bad owners buy pit bulls?  And why are sheep dogs and golden retrievers only owned by good owners?

I know this is going to piss some people off, but numbers are numbers.  According to the AKC, there are 339 officially recognized breeds of dogs.  Yet, pit bulls and rottweillers account for 74% of dog related fatalities.  In other words, the other 26% of dog related fatalities are divided up among 337 breeds.  There are breeds that when they snap, they bare their teeth, growl and bark to scare you.  Some might even nip at your hand or leg and even draw some blood.  Other breeds, when they snap, they piss on your scatter rug.  And some never snap at all.  And then there are breeds that when they snap, their biology turns them into blood letting killers. There is no middle ground for pit bulls and rottweilers.

Yes, I know they are pets.  And they have feelings.  And a voice that cannot be heard.  They are a misunderstood breed.  Blah blah blah.  I've seen all the hokey comments during Pit Bull Appreciation Month.  I've seen all the adorable pictures of pitties snuggling with babies.  I get it.  You love them.  To be clear, I do not hate pit bulls or rottweilers, I am afraid of them.  I don't trust them.  And it does not matter how many stories I hear about how your pit bull lived a full life and never attacked a soul, the breed frightens the shit out of me.

Sorry, but deez are da fax.
  • In 2013, pit bulls killed 26 people, 13 of whom were under the age of 7, including a 21 month old and a 14 month old.  So while you laud the lovability of your pooch, you gotta understand why that family crossed the street yesterday when they saw you walking Hercules down East Avenue.
  • In 2014, there were 42 dog bite related fatalities.  27 of those were at the jaws of a pit bull (4 killed by rottweilers).  So, TWO breeds were responsible for 74% of all dog related fatalities.  
  • By the way, that statistic is consistent - pit bulls and rotties were responsible for 74% of ALL dog bite fatalities from 2005 through 2014.  
  • In that same 10 year period, pit bulls have killed 203 Americans.  That is one citizen every 18 days.  
THAT is why we cross the street when we see you coming.  THAT is why we leave the dog park when you show up.  THAT is why we are rescuing chocolate labs and Great Danes and Peek-a-Poos and even those fukkin' loud mouthed beagles.  I'm happy you love your pitty or your rotty.  But I ain't pettin' it.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Amendola Has Ruined The Lives Of His Neighbors!!

Some NFL players beat women, bloody their kids or just plain kill people.  The next NFL Public Enemy #1 is Danny Amendola who is about to be run out of the state that calls itself an island but IS NOT A FUKKIN ISLAND!

I guess Danny DL-Dola lives in College Hill, allegedly a historic neighborhood in Providence, RI.  Although I don't know what the fuk kind of history happened in Providence except for that one night at the Foxy Lady when I was visiting JP at Providence College.

Well, Amendola has managed to wad up the twat waffles that are his neighbors because he had the nerve to put up a carport in his driveway BEHIND his house.  Amendola said he needs to keep his Audi out of the snow so he can get to Gillette on time for practice.  Would you want to draw the ire of The Hoodie?  Hell, most Patriots would rather take a kick in the dude whistle than get sent home by Belichick.

Note:  Amendola sought AND RECEIVED approval from the city and the historic district.
And double note:  It's behind his house.

Some neighbors call the carport "catastrophic."  One particularly annoying douche canoe said, "We all have beautiful clapboard houses and here's this horrible kind of tin structure, with metal and black, and it just looks chintzy."  Holy fuk, lady.  Get over yourself.

Here... have a look-see at the carport that has ruined the lives of the poor souls who are now forced to live in the same neighborhood with a horrible kind of tin structure.

And just for shitzengiggles, here is an aerial photo of Amendola's house.  Note the FUKKIN PORT-A-POTTIE in the neighbor's driveway!!!   I guess that's a memorial to the 1700s??