Sunday, January 17, 2016

Pats Back In AFC Championship. Hey World, You Bored Yet?

Ya know what's funny?  When Gronk misses two and a half practices, gets injections for his knee and treatment for his back, and gets Fuckface and Mazzadouchebag jerking off over pending disastah!  And then Gronk just goes out and makes 7 catches for 83 yards and two scores.  Eat balls, you dix!

So, you lucky bastids, your favorite Long Snappah is workin' today providin' you with wikkid fukkin' awesome sports analysis.  Workin' today because the Patsies took their playofftastic selves to work yesterday instead of the usual Sunday Funday, which means I get to take tomorrow off celebratin' my favorite Republican, MLK.

There was a Boston Sports Hat Trick yesterday, a pissahpalooza if you will.  The Pats, Beez and Ceez all posted wins and bahs from Southie to Chickahpee were filled with happy Massholes waggin' their sports bonahs at the world!

Marchand the Nose Face Killah potted a game winnah with 47 ticks on the clock.  Jae Clam Crowdah made a layup with three seconds left for the win ovah the Wizzids.  And MiniTron grabbed a ball out of the air that had already deflected off three other players for a first down with 53 seconds left that allowed TMFB to take three knees and go to his 10th AFC Championship game in his 14th season as a starter.  He's been to more conference championships than 27 NFL teams!  #aintcheatin!  #stillwinnin!  #canttouchthis!  #fuckyouall!   Oh... and #IamstillbangingGisele!

The Pats implemented a wide range of training regimens to get ready for yesterday's tilt against the Chiefs.  Hoodie took a trip to the Fight Club.  The ManGronk spent the week at the hospital getting pain shots and railing hot nurses.  Chandler Bing Jones traded a high protein high carb diet for some fake cannabis and a PCP topless trip to the police station.  Brady still drank his brain water and vodey-o-do'd Gisele.   Amendola fought his neighbors and Edelman grew his beard.  The Pats did what they always do... they put aside the outside noise, drank a little drank, smoke a little smoke, build a little carport and did their job!

Let's look at the game for a minute.  Forget the final score.  Against a defense that was third in the NFL in points allowed, third in sacks and 9th in passing yards allowed, the Pats game plan was to.... what???  PASS????   Of course it was to pass.  They don't give a rat's ass who is across the ball.  They win with Brady.  Mr. Bundchen's completion percentage was not spectacular, thanks in part to several drops by Edelman.  But he finished with a passer rating of 103.5.  Brady dropped back to pass 42 times yesterday and was not sacked.  Hell, the Chiefs only registered ONE quarterback hit (and got a 15 yard penalty for it).  It's not a coincidence by the way that the recently porous, horrendous offensive line suddenly protected Brady well with the return of Edelman!  Along with Brady's pocket mobility, it's no wonder the Chiefs could not even lay a finger on Tommy Boy!

The first drive went 80 yards in 11 plays, all passes!  Sorry Stephen Jackson... we ain't runnin' today.  Welcome to New England!  Take away the three knees at the end of the game, the Pats ran the ball 11 times.  But they only handed off to their backs 8 times as Brady had 3 meaningful carries including a 12 yard scamper to the pylon that I still say was a touchdown and a half yard reach the ball over the pile touchdown!

The rest of the football world may despise Brady for many reasons... jealousy, butt hurtedness, handsome good looks, tuck rule, deflated footballs, undeniable success... but they cannot deny that this guy just flat out wills his team to wins with the way he plays the game.  That prick was fired the fuk up yesterday and there was no way he was not going to win.  You knew during that run to the endzone that once he passed the 5 yard line he was not fukkin' sliding.  He was not fukkin' runnin' out of bounds.  He was going to take whatever hit was coming and he was going to try to score.  Cuz this is real football, fukkers!  And this is a different Brady this season!  On a GFY mission to yank that trophy out of the hands of the Ginger Hammer and stick a Post-It note on Goodell's forehead that says, "How You Like Dem Apples?"

So with that, let's dance a little dance...


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