Sunday, August 21, 2016

Hillary Clinton and Brian Williams Witnessed The Lochte Robbery

Count Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton as being in the camp of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte.  Speaking in front of supporters during a Nubbins Now fundraising event in Lick Skillet, Tennessee, raising awareness for men with three nipples, Clinton not only defended Lochte's story of being robbed at gun point, she confessed that she was actually there during the crime.

"What you do not know is that we were in Rio for a short visit to congratulate Ibtihaj Muhammed on her fabulous hijab.  The trip was kept secret because that's what I do.  I keep secrets," Clinton said during her opening remarks in front of hundreds of triple nipples.  

"One of my Secret Service agents had sampled a little too much feijoada and we needed to pull into a gas station so he could download a brownload, if you know what I mean," she snorted.  "He went into the mens room and locked the door, which pissed off this tall guy with blue hair.  While waiting, I went into the store to get myself a bag of Funyuns and a Dr. Pepper.  I was surprised to see Brian Williams waiting in line holding a bag of ice.  Brian and I were just chatting it up, mostly reliving our days on the war front in the Middle East, when a gang of hoodlums wearing police officer uniforms and Donald Trump masks stormed in shooting up the ceiling and looking for swimmers.  One of the men pointed his Uzi directly at me and was going to pull the trigger until the blue haired guy caught his attention.  It was Ryan Lochte.  The gunman chased the swimmer into the parking lot.  Brian and I followed them outside.  While Brian was tackling one of the bad guys, I judo-chopped this big sunuvabitch and he dropped his weapon.  I picked it up and threw it in the dumpster because I'm all about getting guns off the streets, you know.  It was at that time when my Secret Service agent came out of the restroom 10 pounds lighter.  We hopped into our limo and sped off to the airport under a hail of bullets and Portuguese profanity."

This reporter asked Mrs. Clinton why her version of events does not match what was on the surveillance video.  "The Republicans edited that video as part of a vast right wing conspiracy to make me look like a liar and a crook," Clinton resonded, "They only wish they can eat Funyuns and look this great!"  

I tried to reach Brian Williams for comment, but the greeting on his voice mail said he was out on the Bering Sea catching bairdi crab with Captain Hillstrand.  

*Disclaimer:  Much like every story Hillary tells, this story is completely false.  Just an amateurish attempt at parody.  You can't sue me, so you might as well eat me.    Sincerely, The Editah

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Hate The Choices? Forget The Presidency, It's About The Supreme Court!

Instead of making an ass out of just myself today, I think I will make an ass out of you and me together.  I assume that this election has got your innards twisted into a gawdam knot and you wanna puke at the thought of making either choice.  Except you dyed in the wool Trumpkins and Fans of Killary, of course.  Trump is a political nightmare.  Says the wrong things at the wrong times.  Is a narcissist, petulant child.  He knows less about foreign policy and government than a fukkin' baby sloth.  Has small hands and a hot, stupid wife.

Shrillary is plain and simply a despicable ogre without a shred of fukkin' dignity, who will do whatever the fuk she can inside and outside of the law to get power.  She will lie ("hot sauce in a bag swag"), cheat and steal.  (Um...., the only time honor crosses Hillary's mind is when she asks Bill, "Did ya get any on her?")  She will dismiss national security at the moment it gets in the way of her agenda.  And people around her with knowledge of her missteps and wrongdoing will still be dying.

My favorite right winger after David Pastrnak is Elly Maye!  She spent a few minutes shitting on the pandering pantsuit from ArkansasNewYorkYale.  Check it out....

Nobody wins this election.  Both choices are horribly horribly bad for the nation.  I mean, Hillary is a liar.  And Donald has small hands.  So how in fuk do we vote??

Here's what you need to know....  three of the eight sitting Supreme Court Justices are over the age of 75.  There is already one vacancy that will be filled by whichever asshole wins in November.  Which translates to the very real possibility that the next President could nominate FOUR Supreme Court Justices if he or she is in office for two terms!!!  Anthony Kennedy is a conservative justice nominated by Reagan.  He is a friend of the Constitution, less government involvement and favors states' rights.  He is 80.  Right now, the split on the bench is 4 Dems and 4 Repubs.  If Hillary wins, the bench will surely go to a 5-4 slant in favor of liberal fuck knobs (and you might be staring at Justice Barack Hussein Obama).  If Kennedy vacates during her term, you are looking at a 6-4 split and a shitstorm of anti-Constitutionalist rulings for a very very very long time.  So that should weigh on your decision when you cast your vote in November.  

I wear a medium in a black robe.  I love you!