Sunday, August 21, 2016
Hillary Clinton and Brian Williams Witnessed The Lochte Robbery
Count Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton as being in the camp of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. Speaking in front of supporters during a Nubbins Now fundraising event in Lick Skillet, Tennessee, raising awareness for men with three nipples, Clinton not only defended Lochte's story of being robbed at gun point, she confessed that she was actually there during the crime.
"What you do not know is that we were in Rio for a short visit to congratulate Ibtihaj Muhammed on her fabulous hijab. The trip was kept secret because that's what I do. I keep secrets," Clinton said during her opening remarks in front of hundreds of triple nipples.
"One of my Secret Service agents had sampled a little too much feijoada and we needed to pull into a gas station so he could download a brownload, if you know what I mean," she snorted. "He went into the mens room and locked the door, which pissed off this tall guy with blue hair. While waiting, I went into the store to get myself a bag of Funyuns and a Dr. Pepper. I was surprised to see Brian Williams waiting in line holding a bag of ice. Brian and I were just chatting it up, mostly reliving our days on the war front in the Middle East, when a gang of hoodlums wearing police officer uniforms and Donald Trump masks stormed in shooting up the ceiling and looking for swimmers. One of the men pointed his Uzi directly at me and was going to pull the trigger until the blue haired guy caught his attention. It was Ryan Lochte. The gunman chased the swimmer into the parking lot. Brian and I followed them outside. While Brian was tackling one of the bad guys, I judo-chopped this big sunuvabitch and he dropped his weapon. I picked it up and threw it in the dumpster because I'm all about getting guns off the streets, you know. It was at that time when my Secret Service agent came out of the restroom 10 pounds lighter. We hopped into our limo and sped off to the airport under a hail of bullets and Portuguese profanity."
This reporter asked Mrs. Clinton why her version of events does not match what was on the surveillance video. "The Republicans edited that video as part of a vast right wing conspiracy to make me look like a liar and a crook," Clinton resonded, "They only wish they can eat Funyuns and look this great!"
I tried to reach Brian Williams for comment, but the greeting on his voice mail said he was out on the Bering Sea catching bairdi crab with Captain Hillstrand.
*Disclaimer: Much like every story Hillary tells, this story is completely false. Just an amateurish attempt at parody. You can't sue me, so you might as well eat me. Sincerely, The Editah