Friday, September 23, 2016

Pats Recrap: Belichick to start Jake from State Farm against the Bills

There is no truth to the rumor that Roger Goodell has deployed Ted Wells to investigate the presence of cheating, nefarious shenanigans and altogether suspiciousness in the Patriots organization after a 3-0 start with puzzle pieces at quarterback.  I mean... they're cheating, right?  

While the rest of the NFL is losing their proverbial shit this morning because they cannot even beat the Pats when they start a 3rd string rookie at quarterback, Hoodie Wan Kabelichick is waking up to announce that next Sunday's starting quarterback will be Jake from State Farm.  And it seems there is nothing Sexy Rexy or the Ginger Hammer will be able to do about it.

Seriously... Patriot Haters have been waiting for these four games for almost two years.  They were licking their chops and fluffin' their sports boners at the idea of New England returning to mediocrity, or even better, to total suckness.  Au contrair, mon assholes!  Instead, the Pats have improved their record to 14 wins against just 5 losses in the Matt Cassell-Jimmy G-Jacoby Brisset era.  

Hell, Belichick was more giddy than a fat kid in a fudge factory last night.  And why shouldn't he be?  He is thumbing his nose and waving his old man balls at the world; and having a fukkin' party doing it.  What?  Go into a game with a wide receiver as the backup quarterback?  Fuk yeah, I'm doing that.  Huh?  Run a tight end reverse?  Fuk yeah, I'm doing that too.  Install read option for the first time in my career?  Aw what the hell!  Let's do that too!!  

Last night was not about the quarterback or the players like Hoodie said at the podium.  Although it was kinda about Jamie Collins.  BEAST!!  Nope, it was about the coaches.  Many Patriot fans acknowledged before the game that JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney would wreak havoc on a suspect Patriot offensive line and likely make Jacoby's night miserable.  Instead, Josh McDaniels game plan attacked the line and in the end, Watt and Clowney were less useful than whisky dick in a cold pool.  They finished with just two tackles each and no sacks.  We saw a couple of option runs from the quarterback and an end around with 275 pound tight end Marty Imagination Agency Bennett.  You run end arounds with Mini Coopers and Ferraris.  You don't run them with ice cream trucks!  Unless you're the Patriots and love saying GO FUK YOURSELF to the rest of the football world!

Defensively, Matt Patricia rallied his troops after a shitty second half against Miami to nut up and play.  They held the Texans to just 284 yards for the game.  That's the same number of yards Jimmy G racked up in the air in a quarter and a half last week.  

It was about wizadry on the Patriots sidelines and total fukkin' buffoonery on the Houston sidelines.  Yes, even with all of those names from the Belichick tree on the visitor's side, complete idiocy reigned supreme.  Billy O'B was so twisted in knots by his master that he found himself calling timeouts at the end of the half even though he could not get the ball back.  He was running off-tackle on 3rd and 8 and calling 30 yard deep passes on 4th and 2.  The return man was fair catching punts inside the 10.  How the fuk did they get to be 2-0 coming into the game?  What sorry ass teams did they play?

Did you all see the stat they showed at halftime last night?  When leading at halftime at Foxboro, during the Belichick/Brady era, the Patriots were 76-0!!  FUKKIN SEVENTY SIX AND OH when leading at halftime.  That's reegawdamdiculous!!  Oh, they are now 77-0 after last night.

The Didyaknow Division has a question for all y'all:  Did ya know that LeGarrette Blount has the second highest yards per carry in Patriots history (minimum 400 carries)?  Yep... history!  Better than Curtis Martin, Tony Collins, Corey Dillon and Sam Cunningham.  Ya know who has the best yards/carry average in that category?   STEVE FUKKIN GROGAN!!!

The theme of the Patriots season thus far has been "Fuk Trends!  We're Doing It Our Way!"  So, in honor of winning with a third string quarterback, we are scrapping the usual victory dance and going with our third string dancer!  Hello Mr. Jefferson!!!

Monday, September 12, 2016

Recappin' The Patsies: Aladdin At Home In The Desert

Yes Jimmy Gee, it always happens like this.  Before you even lace up your cleats, you are in first place in the AFC East because the other three division foes piss down their legs.  And four hours later, an Arizona kicker named Chandler will go all shankapotumus with the game on the line.  Boom, you're one up in the loss column and t-minus 3 to Brady.  And yes, Jimmy Gee, that little fukkin' #11 sure is fun to have on your team, ain't he??  And who knew Marty went to the Imagination Agency?

Much of Pats Nation was all ready to excuse this game away, to put it in the loss column and write it off to no Gronk, no Brady, no offensive line, no home field, no Nink, too much Goodell, whatever.  Hell, they were NINE AND A HALF POINT underdogs.  I don't think they have been that big a dog since Hugh Millen was stuffin' his hands under center.  Put me in that group - I didn't think the offense could hold up against that defense.  They didn't look great, nor would they.  BUT, they looked better than most people thought.  Every television analyst with a microphone and a left-over Manning boner picked the Cardinals.

After the first two Patriots drives, it appeared that perhaps Tommy Mutha Fukkin Brady hired a makeup artist and tossed on a number 10 jersey.  Aladdin Gee was slicing the Arizona defense with quick reads and a shit load of Edelman first downs ala vintage TMFB.  So, Honey Badger over adjusted and gave safety help for Edleman, leaving a rooking covering Chris Hogan 1 on 1.  And we saw what happened there.  Joshy McDannyboy made the Cardinals his bitch for one play.

The problem, however, became obvious fairly soon thereafter.  The Cardinals upped the pressure, defended the out routes (Jimmy's first option many times) and bull rushed the line.  This offensive line made up of guys like Andrews, Karras and Jackson is simply not very good.  But they've never been very good.  It's just that the GOAT's quick release has rendered the line's ineptness as meaningless.  Jimmy Gee was okay, but will have three more games to get better at it.  I think he will.

The other key to the Pats offense was that they just refused to throw in Patrick Peterson's direction.  Edelman was targeted 7 times and made 7 catches.  5 of those catches came before the Cards decided to put Peterson on #11.  Peterson only had 4 tackles and ZERO passes defended.  That's how the Pats roll... take away the best player on defense and beat 'em 10 on 10.

My other takeaway from last night is sadly that the defense was not as good as everyone has been telling us.  David Johnson was a beast and all the while Collinsworth praised the "big hammer linebackers" Collins and Hightower, they combined for just 5 tackles while Johnson was running mostly downhill.  The Butler was flat out toasted by Michael Floyd in the first quarter - he cannot let that happen.  Logan Ryan played very well, I thought.  Patrick Chung and Jabaal Sheard combined to look like Pop Warner minimum play tacklers on a screen pass to Johnson, both completely whiffing in the open field while allowing a 26 yard gain.

But hey... this is house money now for the young quarterback.  This was one they were not supposed to win.  But they won.  And because they won, we get to dance.  I've added a little bit to the victory dance as you will see.  That's because Gisele doing the Rio Strut is my new favorite thing to watch.  And, according to Mike Damone, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Uh Oh.. He's Blaspheming Again. Teresa Is A Saint.

A warning to my Catholic readers... you should probably click the Back button and GTFO now, because I am saddling up the Blasphemy Express and calling all sorts of shenanigans over there in Vatican City.

Now, I love me some Pope Frankie.  I really do.  I mean, that sumbitch is so down to earth, I feel like I could throw back a few beers on a college football Saturday and rip hot wing farts with the Holy Father.  Although he's probably a Notre Dame fan, right?  That's okay... we all have our faults.  And I'm one forgiving prick anyway.

I helped the United States beat the Russians in 1980.  Yeah, that's it.
But there is chicanery afoot in the Sainting business these days.  I remember the good ol' days when in order to be a Saint, ya had to either fish with Jesus or suck at football.  And ya had to wait a thousand friggin' years before they could even start the process.  Not anymore... 

Mother Teresa was canonized this weekend.  Pope Francis made if official and the little nun that could is now Saint Teresa of Calcutta.  The Official Book of Sainting states that the process of becoming a saint cannot begin until at least 5 years after a person's death.  But the Vatican waived that rule for Teresa.  Ya know, cuz Catholic rules are merely suggestions.

The other rule is that a person has to have performed a miracle after their death, showing they are in heaven and have the power of intercession.  In 1998, a woman in India claimed she stopped by a photo of Mother Teresa, passed out and was instantly relieved of her cancerous tumor, which doctors say was actually an ovarian cyst that was cured though medical treatment.

When Pope Francis needed a second miracle in order to beatify Teresa, he really went digging.  A Brazilian engineer who had 8 brain tumors prayed with his wife to Teresa.  He was suddenly healed AFTER being rushed into intensive care surgery.  But Vatican doctors claim the healing was medically inexplicable and had nothing to do with the surgery.  So much for their faith in Brazilian surgeons.

I mean shit... shouldn't the doctors at Dana Farber just give up the research and start running around with pictures of Mother Teresa?  Chick is a helluva healer!!!

Sorry if this offends you.  But you might want to research a little bit more on Mother Teresa instead of just what they tell you in Rome.  Check out how much money she raised and kept in bank accounts instead of using it to pay for better medical care for the poor and frail.  Look into the ineptness of the medical care by her sisters of charity, the reusing of syringes, the unhygienic conditions while she was flying around in a personal plane to meet Presidents and Prime Ministers.  But they wanted a modern saint.  So they got one.  And pilgrims are thrilled.  Whatever.

Pats Preview: Come On Week 5!!!!!

Hey churchgoers and heathens alike... put yer Sunday pants on and do your friggin' thing.  Whether you're thing is munchin' wafers n' sippin' wine with Father Flanagan and the Bingo crowd or scratchin' yer nuts and pickin' yer nose with the Sports Reporters, ya gotta love Sundays in September.  A morning chill and a hot cup of coffee does the mind good and the soul bettah.

It's just a week from the start of the Pats season and we haven't done a fukkin' sports column at this monkey shit outfit since Steven Gostkowski missed the clutch pedal and pushed a first quarter extra point wide in Denver back in January, allowing Human Growth Forehead a trip to the Super Bowl.  But a lot of shit has passed through the tin horn since then.  The Pats had Pot Roast.  Then they didn't.  Edelman reinjured his foot.  Then he didn't.  Dion Lewis recovered from his surgery.  Then he didn't.  Nate Washington and Donald Brown were this year's Tory Holt and Joey Galloway - they were here.  Then they weren't.  But Gronk just kept on Gronking and Gisele kept on Giseleing... I know she doesn't play.  But did you see that strut in Rio???  Worth a victory dance just for that.

Obviously, tho, the biggest pile of offseason flotsam continued to be deflated footballs.  TMFB lost, then won, then lost again to the Commish and now he will be couching it for the first four weeks of the season while Aladdin G will be stuffin' his hands under center trying to figure out hot reads and sitting safeties all the while feeling Jacoby Brisset tuggin' at his nut hairs hoping for an injury.  Come on Week 5!!!  Sorry Cleveland.  But at least you had a parade this year.

Once the GOAT returns, we are looking at one of the strongest all around Patriots team we have seen in years.  The offense speaks for itself, assuming good health (and offensive line stability).  Gronkageddon and Edelman will never ever be coverable.  That's a word.  Shut up.  LaGarette Blount has thinned down and is fukkin' HURDLING dudes in the pre-season.  Malcom Mitchell may or may not be the real deal - he looked it in the first half of the first pre-season game - but we will find out soon enough because Aaron Dropsome has been sent packing.  If nothing else, Mitchell has fukkin' Gumby arms.  Ain't nobody's elbow should bend like that without the arm coming off.  But if he can get downfield outside the numbers, opposing defenses may have some serious problems.  

The offensive line has me shittin' Cocoa Puffs on the reg, tho.  Brady's quick release has always compensated for the swinging gate style of blocking by the rotating right side.  But that doesn't help on the road (i.e. in DENVER).  If we are going to be looking at Cameron Fleming and Marcus Cannon for a whole season, there are not enough Dante Scarnecchias on this planet to make me feel good about that shitshow.  

But it's the defense that will be the story this year.  Hightower and Collins are another year better.  No idea if Barkevius Mingo can play as well against starters as he did against third stringers in New York Thursday night.  But I will be happy to find out. The addition of Chris Long on the edge along with the evolution of Malcom Brown and the coming of age of Anthony Johnson in the interior has the defensive front looking stout.  Those two along with mammoth Vincent Valentine are the likely reasons Hoodie told Pot Roast to take a hike.  Now... if Logan Ryan can step the fuk up and make plays, McCourty and Chung will be free to play strong and shut down offenses.  

In a week, they will be in Arizona.  Facing Honey Badger and Chandler Synthetic Jones.  Here we go, boys!!!!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Colin Kaepernick Is Not Socially Conscious, He's Horny.

Colin Slapperdick has decided that he will not stand for the national anthem because he refuses to pay tribute to a flag of a country that oppresses black people.  Yes, the flag and the Constitution affords him the right to stick up his kinda beige middle finger at the country in which he lives.  I hate that he does it.  But I acknowledge his right to do it.  And before you try getting all over my ass about his right to protest, remember I have the same fukkin' rights!!  So if I want to call him a good for nothing, opportunistic hypocrite and a socially ignorant fuckstorm, I will.

Back when this stack of dicks was the Niners' starting quarterback, leading his team to the Super Bowl, all was good in his little white world.  A free college education and a $114,000,000 contract.  Guess that was his white half getting the goods.  In September of 2014, the mixed race quarterback (I guess douchebag is a new race) was fined $11,000 for calling Lamaar Houston of the Chicago Bears a nigger after Houston sarcastically complimented an interception Kaepernick had just thrown.  As recently as last season, we never heard a peep from Kaepernick about oppression, even amidst the Ferguson, Missouri and Baltimore fallout and the launch of Black Lives Matter movement.  But suddenly, this season, he's gonna get up on a social soap box on behalf of all those oppressed?  While wearing a Fidel Castro t-shirt and a Malcom X hat.

His protest has NOTHING to do with his true beliefs, for his true beliefs are that he loves money and Egyptian poontang.  I don't have to be a fukkin' mind reader to know that.  Here are some other facts:  He is about to lose his job to a white quarterback, a decision that will be made by a coach who has been accused in the past of not liking black players.  I guess it was just a matter of time for his black half to be oppressed.

But perhaps even more relevant to his sudden change in social attitudes is the fact that he started dating an Egyptian DJ who is also a well known Muslim and Black Lives Matter activist.  Behold the Power of the Cooch, my friends.  What's that honey?  You want me to do what?  Okay.  Prepare for Colin Kaepernick to soon change his name to Hamad Al Faroof Bin Suckin or some shit like that.  The dude is being radicalized in front of our very eyes.  You heard it here first.

If this asshole was even the smallest bit serious about his protest, he would also stop paying tribute to the money that he makes in this oppressive nation.  Until he gives that up, his protest is just grandstanding so he can get a little poontang.  And if he were anywhere near maturity, he would not be wearing socks to practice with cartoon pigs wearing police hats.  Little bitch!