Sunday, September 4, 2016

Pats Preview: Come On Week 5!!!!!

Hey churchgoers and heathens alike... put yer Sunday pants on and do your friggin' thing.  Whether you're thing is munchin' wafers n' sippin' wine with Father Flanagan and the Bingo crowd or scratchin' yer nuts and pickin' yer nose with the Sports Reporters, ya gotta love Sundays in September.  A morning chill and a hot cup of coffee does the mind good and the soul bettah.

It's just a week from the start of the Pats season and we haven't done a fukkin' sports column at this monkey shit outfit since Steven Gostkowski missed the clutch pedal and pushed a first quarter extra point wide in Denver back in January, allowing Human Growth Forehead a trip to the Super Bowl.  But a lot of shit has passed through the tin horn since then.  The Pats had Pot Roast.  Then they didn't.  Edelman reinjured his foot.  Then he didn't.  Dion Lewis recovered from his surgery.  Then he didn't.  Nate Washington and Donald Brown were this year's Tory Holt and Joey Galloway - they were here.  Then they weren't.  But Gronk just kept on Gronking and Gisele kept on Giseleing... I know she doesn't play.  But did you see that strut in Rio???  Worth a victory dance just for that.


Obviously, tho, the biggest pile of offseason flotsam continued to be deflated footballs.  TMFB lost, then won, then lost again to the Commish and now he will be couching it for the first four weeks of the season while Aladdin G will be stuffin' his hands under center trying to figure out hot reads and sitting safeties all the while feeling Jacoby Brisset tuggin' at his nut hairs hoping for an injury.  Come on Week 5!!!  Sorry Cleveland.  But at least you had a parade this year.


Once the GOAT returns, we are looking at one of the strongest all around Patriots team we have seen in years.  The offense speaks for itself, assuming good health (and offensive line stability).  Gronkageddon and Edelman will never ever be coverable.  That's a word.  Shut up.  LaGarette Blount has thinned down and is fukkin' HURDLING dudes in the pre-season.  Malcom Mitchell may or may not be the real deal - he looked it in the first half of the first pre-season game - but we will find out soon enough because Aaron Dropsome has been sent packing.  If nothing else, Mitchell has fukkin' Gumby arms.  Ain't nobody's elbow should bend like that without the arm coming off.  But if he can get downfield outside the numbers, opposing defenses may have some serious problems.  

The offensive line has me shittin' Cocoa Puffs on the reg, tho.  Brady's quick release has always compensated for the swinging gate style of blocking by the rotating right side.  But that doesn't help on the road (i.e. in DENVER).  If we are going to be looking at Cameron Fleming and Marcus Cannon for a whole season, there are not enough Dante Scarnecchias on this planet to make me feel good about that shitshow.  

But it's the defense that will be the story this year.  Hightower and Collins are another year better.  No idea if Barkevius Mingo can play as well against starters as he did against third stringers in New York Thursday night.  But I will be happy to find out. The addition of Chris Long on the edge along with the evolution of Malcom Brown and the coming of age of Anthony Johnson in the interior has the defensive front looking stout.  Those two along with mammoth Vincent Valentine are the likely reasons Hoodie told Pot Roast to take a hike.  Now... if Logan Ryan can step the fuk up and make plays, McCourty and Chung will be free to play strong and shut down offenses.  

In a week, they will be in Arizona.  Facing Honey Badger and Chandler Synthetic Jones.  Here we go, boys!!!!

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