Friday, September 23, 2016

Pats Recrap: Belichick to start Jake from State Farm against the Bills


There is no truth to the rumor that Roger Goodell has deployed Ted Wells to investigate the presence of cheating, nefarious shenanigans and altogether suspiciousness in the Patriots organization after a 3-0 start with puzzle pieces at quarterback.  I mean... they're cheating, right?  

While the rest of the NFL is losing their proverbial shit this morning because they cannot even beat the Pats when they start a 3rd string rookie at quarterback, Hoodie Wan Kabelichick is waking up to announce that next Sunday's starting quarterback will be Jake from State Farm.  And it seems there is nothing Sexy Rexy or the Ginger Hammer will be able to do about it.

Seriously... Patriot Haters have been waiting for these four games for almost two years.  They were licking their chops and fluffin' their sports boners at the idea of New England returning to mediocrity, or even better, to total suckness.  Au contrair, mon assholes!  Instead, the Pats have improved their record to 14 wins against just 5 losses in the Matt Cassell-Jimmy G-Jacoby Brisset era.  

Hell, Belichick was more giddy than a fat kid in a fudge factory last night.  And why shouldn't he be?  He is thumbing his nose and waving his old man balls at the world; and having a fukkin' party doing it.  What?  Go into a game with a wide receiver as the backup quarterback?  Fuk yeah, I'm doing that.  Huh?  Run a tight end reverse?  Fuk yeah, I'm doing that too.  Install read option for the first time in my career?  Aw what the hell!  Let's do that too!!  

Last night was not about the quarterback or the players like Hoodie said at the podium.  Although it was kinda about Jamie Collins.  BEAST!!  Nope, it was about the coaches.  Many Patriot fans acknowledged before the game that JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney would wreak havoc on a suspect Patriot offensive line and likely make Jacoby's night miserable.  Instead, Josh McDaniels game plan attacked the line and in the end, Watt and Clowney were less useful than whisky dick in a cold pool.  They finished with just two tackles each and no sacks.  We saw a couple of option runs from the quarterback and an end around with 275 pound tight end Marty Imagination Agency Bennett.  You run end arounds with Mini Coopers and Ferraris.  You don't run them with ice cream trucks!  Unless you're the Patriots and love saying GO FUK YOURSELF to the rest of the football world!


Defensively, Matt Patricia rallied his troops after a shitty second half against Miami to nut up and play.  They held the Texans to just 284 yards for the game.  That's the same number of yards Jimmy G racked up in the air in a quarter and a half last week.  

It was about wizadry on the Patriots sidelines and total fukkin' buffoonery on the Houston sidelines.  Yes, even with all of those names from the Belichick tree on the visitor's side, complete idiocy reigned supreme.  Billy O'B was so twisted in knots by his master that he found himself calling timeouts at the end of the half even though he could not get the ball back.  He was running off-tackle on 3rd and 8 and calling 30 yard deep passes on 4th and 2.  The return man was fair catching punts inside the 10.  How the fuk did they get to be 2-0 coming into the game?  What sorry ass teams did they play?

Did you all see the stat they showed at halftime last night?  When leading at halftime at Foxboro, during the Belichick/Brady era, the Patriots were 76-0!!  FUKKIN SEVENTY SIX AND OH when leading at halftime.  That's reegawdamdiculous!!  Oh, they are now 77-0 after last night.

The Didyaknow Division has a question for all y'all:  Did ya know that LeGarrette Blount has the second highest yards per carry in Patriots history (minimum 400 carries)?  Yep... history!  Better than Curtis Martin, Tony Collins, Corey Dillon and Sam Cunningham.  Ya know who has the best yards/carry average in that category?   STEVE FUKKIN GROGAN!!!

The theme of the Patriots season thus far has been "Fuk Trends!  We're Doing It Our Way!"  So, in honor of winning with a third string quarterback, we are scrapping the usual victory dance and going with our third string dancer!  Hello Mr. Jefferson!!!

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