Sunday, October 30, 2016

Pats Recap: There's a Dildo On The Field!!

The big fat mouth that roared could only do a Tom Coughlin "I'm a little teapot" impression, complete with his pie hole agape wondering how in fuck he still gets a paycheck for sucking so bad at his job.  Do you remember when this lumpy bag of man tits took Mark Sanchez and the JETS to the AFC championship game two years in a row?  Apparently, that was what we call a mirajee!  Because Rex Ryan and his boxcar hopping hobo of a brother are a gawdam joke.  Rexy was all fukkin' giddy four weeks ago when he shut out an offense led by One Thumb Jacoby, talking about On To LA and joking about Belichick's temper with his tablet.  But Fatso was totally fukkin' befuddled today facing a full Patriots squad and a quarterback that ain't gonna fall for no pre-game banana in the tailpipe shenanigans.

Fuk you, Rex.  Oh hey... I think your wife, the one with the tasty feet, left her dildo on the three yard line.  You should get that and bring it home to her so she can entertain herself while you rub your Sanchez tattoo to sleep, you tool!!!

No surprise today... I mean, TMFB is now 26-3 against the only NFL team that has not made the playoffs in the 21st century.  Yes, the Bills suck that much.  The Browns.  The Jaguars.  The Titans... they have all at least made the playoffs once in the past 16 years.  Not the Bills.  Pretty sure there's a reason that there is no baseball team in Buffalo... has something to do with MLB's zero tolerance policy against rubber dicks being thrown on the field.

Mr. Bundchen is undefeated in October since 2014, with 34 touchdowns against 1 interception.  Ta hell with Reggie Jackson... Brady is the real Mr. October.  Today was a perfect example of our Johnnys and Joes being way the fuk better than your x's and o's.  Brady threw to 6 different receivers and touchdowns to 4 of them.  He didn't need a running game.  He just needed to be Brady.

Speaking of being Brady, in his four games back, he is 98 for 134 (73% completion percentage, tops in the NFL), 12 touchdowns and no picks and 1,319 yards.  That is a full regular season pace of 48 touchdowns, no picks and 5,200 yards.  And that's with footballs at 12.5 psi.  Just saying.  Brady is 18 and 5 since they started checking his footballs more closely.   He has 55 touchdowns against 11 picks.  It ain't fukkin' ball pressure.  But that's okay, Commish.. you worry about ball pressure and destroyed cell phones while all of these assholes beat their wives.

Back to the game... who the hell do you cover if you are playing these guys?  The first touchdown should remind the entire league that they are totally fucked.  Amendola had to have been the 4th or 5th option.  Gronk?  Covered.  Edelman?  Covered.  Bennett?  Covered.  Hogan?  Also covered.  Hey, look... there's Danny.  Ain't nobody covering him.  Thanks for coming.

My only issue today.... Nate Solder at left tackle was HORRENDOUS!!  I'm out..  let's dance bitches  - Ryan Brothers style!!  


Monday, October 24, 2016

Pats Recrap: Pats Go To The Mustard And Win

I'm supposed to be a Steeler fan.  And most of the time, I AM a yellow towel wavin' Franco Harris worshipin' Primanti Brothers sammitch eatin' disciple of the Rooney Trinity.  It is my birthright... I was born sahth of the city in Bethel Park (aka the Gateway to Upper St. Clair) and on every Sunday in the fall and winter, all of my daddy's side of the family gather at their own living room altars, resplendent in black and gold and adorned with Chuck Knoll bobbleheads, framed Immaculate Reception pictures and more gawdam yellow towels than you can stand.  I must admit, tho, that I've never seen any laminated copies of Ben Roethlisberger settlement documents from the Nevada Supreme Court.

My parents moved our asses to Massachusetts when I was just two, and I have been a Boston sports fan ever since.  The only black and gold that matters wears the spoked B.  I do love the Pirates.  I like the Steelers.  And I hate those whiny ass bitches wearing fukkin' penguins on their jerseys and pads in their panties.

Because both the Pats and the Stillers have taken up residence at the top of their divisions, they are always on each other's schedule, seemingly every friggin' year.  The games are strange for me.  Except for their coach and their sexually assaultive quarterback who does not know basic rules of football (yes, dope, the defensive line can shift during your cadence), I like all of the Steelers.  LeVeon Bell is a crazy good running back.  Antonio Brown IS the best wide receiver in the league.  Their offensive line is YOOGE!  They even have a tight end named Jesse James!!  DeAngelo Williams has fun trolling the Pats on deflated footballs, (see video here) but it's all fun and his very public fight against breast cancer makes him all good in my eyes.  So I like them.  But once a year for four hours, I friggin' hate them.

It looked early like it would be easy.  But then Bolden and Edleman both dropped sure first down passes.  Ryan Allen shanked a 25 yard punt.  Gostkowski missed ANOTHER extra point.  All of that breathed life into Steeler nation and gave them the impression that somehow Landry Jones was gonna put more points on the board than TMFB.  The dude with two last names did look good in the second quarter.  But by the second half, Matt Patricia's defense figured out how to confuse him into pocket catatonia.

Instead of dazzling you with brilliant analysis of the x's and o's at the Mustard Bowl (Heinz makes mustard too, you know) yesterday, I am going to make it so simple that even Big Ben could understand what happened yesterday.

The Patriots have better players and are the better team.  Plus, the Steelers have a bad case of Red Zone Whisky Dick.  The Steelers decided not to blitz yesterday.  Instead, they doubled up on the two headed tight end and opted to bleed a little bit in the run game.  So the Pats rode LG Blount like a fukkin' horse for 127 yards.  The Pats ran 29 running plays against 26 passing plays.  When was the last time you saw that from a Brady led squad?  Hell, Brady even ran for three first downs yesterday.  Tomlin acknowledged that his defense was committed to avoiding "explosion plays" and allow the short passes and quick tackles.  So the Pats just kept taking the short passes.  Until the Pittsburgh safeties got tired of not being involved and started to cheat the underneath routes.  TMFB knew that would happen eventually.  And when it did, he unleashed the Gronkasaurus on a seam route for a score and another out route that picked up 37 yards to the 5 yard line.  Steeler defensive coordinator Keith Butler was fingerpainting while Pats offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels was creating a fukkin' Michelangelo.

Tomlin gets credit for being a great coach.  I'm not sure why.  How many great coaches use TWO timeouts in the second half of a close game because the play clock was about to expire?  Pittsburgh could have used those timeouts later.  How many well coached teams run a two minute hurry up offense like they are in winter mud?  How many great coaches down by 11 with five minutes to go facing a 4th and 2 opt for a 54 yard field goal try when the kicker has never hit anything outside of 51 yards?  Tomlin's explanation post game was awesomely ponderous:  "We've seen him hit a kick from that distance and from that exact spot when we were TRYING HIM OUT last year."  Sorry Pittsburghers... but that's your coach justifying his decision on the fact that the guy did pretty good on an empty field during practice last year.  

Couple of weird things from yesterday's game:  Not sure how often this happens, but there were NO SACKS from either team yesterday.  Also... Gronk scored the 68th touchdown of his career, tying him with Stanley Steamer Morgan for most touchdowns in Patriots history.  Gronk needed just 85 games to reach that mark compared to 186 games for Morgan.   HOLY SHIT!!  Seven games into the season, Patriot quarterbacks have not thrown a single interception.  Probably just whammied them.  But still... pretty impressive.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Pats Recap: Cincinnati is WKRAP!!

TMFB, Hightower and Gronk
Doin' The Cincy Nut Stomp

Threw on my slippers, gave my balls a healthy scratch and grabbed my coffee (I washed my hands) for a Monday morning stroll through the jagged minds of Bengals fans this morning to get the real story as to why the Bengals lost to the Patriots yesterday at the Razor.  According to various Bengals websites and news stories, the source of the Bengals defeat was obvious.  While you might think it was because the Pats had TMFB and the Two Headed Tight End, or that the New England coaching staff was able to make in-game adjustments to get their receivers open or that Officer Hightower single handedly beat the fukkin' boogers out of those idiots in orange stripes, you be wrong good sirs.  What you may not have noticed, and what only the trained eyes of the football experts at WKRP could see, was that the officials lost the game for Cincy.  I know, the Pats had more penalty yardage and that they got all of the unsportsmanlike conduct flags.  But we missed the obvious... that the league used corrupt officiating  to carefully orchestrate a Patriots victory because they did not want to spoil Tom Brady's homecoming.  Yep... the same league that spent two years twisting Brady's pubes into knots, trying to destroy his legacy over maybe being aware of unproven shenanigans, the same league that insisted on a four game suspension for air pressure and failure to cooperate while giving out three game suspensions to players for intentionally trying to injure (Google Vontaze Burfict - we will get to him later), wanted to make sure Tommy Boy had a good day so that his fans could go home happy.  This is what they are saying this morning in Cincinotgood!

Jeezus it must suck to live in Cincinnati if that's all they've got.  0-7 in the playoffs under Marvin Rooney Rule Lewis and a team of cheapshot artists.   This is a city whose biggest claim to sports fame after the Big Red Machine is the amusement park relay race to get Mike Brady's plans to the meeting before he lost the job.  Seriously, what the fuk DO they have in Cincy?  The Red Legs?  Bearcats?  Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap?  Loni Anderson's air conditioned nipples not withstanding, that down sucks!  Damn,... they don't even have a decent rock band that has come out of that shithole, except of course the legendary Isley Brothers, Foxy Shazam and The Ass Ponys.

It's always cold in Cincinnati...
Yesterday's game was yet another one of those "Relax, the coaches are gonna fix this shit and we're still gonna win by 20" games.  Time and time again, another team shows up and introduces an unexpected wrinkle that baffles the Pats for a quarter or sometimes two quarters (see Dallas game last year).  We all get pissy about how the game is turning before we are eventually reminded once again that it only takes a few series before Matt Patricia, Josh McDaniels and Hoodie take a wrench to the plan and win going away.

For most of the first half yesterday, the Bengals defense covered Brady's receivers and he spent most of the time looking for someone to be open.  Dan Fouts and Ian Eagle kept yappin' about the pressure of the Bengals' defensive line when it had nothing to do with pressure.  As a matter of fact, did you hear Geno Atkins' name at all yesterday?  Carlos Dunlap?  3 tackles between the two of them.  That's because Belichick takes away your best and you have to beat him with the rest.  And when the rest is Burfict, Jones and Williams, you gonna suck!  Brady had a lot of time in the pocket actually, but nobody could get open.  Then McDaniels waved his Potter wand at the 2 minute warning and HERE COMES THE BOOM!!  It was a blowout after that.

The Pats also adjusted on defense.  Carrot Top was able to move down the field with relative ease in the first half.  So the Pats went to three corners (with a guy named Eric Rowe on A.J. Green??) and turned Dont'a Hightower loose!  The result:  Hightower had 13 tackles, 1.5 sacks and a safety while the Bengals scored just three points and tallied just 71 yards over the final 26 minutes of the game.

Now... for the story of the game:  Gronk went fukkin' nuts catching the ball (162 yards kinda nuts) and then went fukkin' more nuts in the faces of the chippy, dirty Bengals.  Disappointingly, he got himself a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty, which he deserved, when he just could not stop taunting.  It was an unusual lack of poise for him and something for which he took 100% responsibility after the game.  And in perfect Gronk style, he turned back into who we love, even more so.  Pacman Jones tried baiting him two plays later into another penalty (he would have been ejected) and Gronk just laughed.  When Blount scored the final TD with under a minute to play, Gronk's little disco butt wiggle over the pile was comical at best.  When asked about it, he said he was just trying to be happy and avoid another flag.

It is no coincidence that the game turned south after repeat offender Vontaze Burfict intentionally dove into the back of Marty Bennett's knee away from the play.  It was a hit that could have had season ending consequences and it may have been one of the dirtiest hits in the league this year.  Of course, Fouts felt Burfict was just losing his balance and fell into Bennett's knee accidentally.  Because Fouts is a fukkin' moron.

Losing his balance???  I think not!
If the league does not look at this and take action on this fukkin' asshole, then any shred of credibility (as if there is any) is gone.  Suspend guys for a full season for smoking marijuana.  Suspend them for four games for PED use (or possibly deflating footballs).  So if Burfict (who has already been suspended for three games this year for repeated violations of safety rules) is not suspended for at least 4 games going forward, FUK GOODELL!!!  


Friday, October 7, 2016

We Need Better Clown Control Laws!

This country is in crisis.  I'm not talking about that fukkin' windbag Matthew bringing his Category 4 Blowjob to the third world state of Eff Ell Ay.  Nor am I talking about the Presidential election that is sure to kick the country in the collective man berries regardless of which deplorable wins.

Since the beginning of October, we have been riddled with stories of college campuses on lockdown, children being lured into the woods, and Bill Clinton talking about Obamacare.  I am talking about Radical Extreme Clownism!  These relentless muthafukkas are just walking into Halloween stores and purchasing their weapons of terrorism without so much as a background check or a waiting period.  I have seen children as young as 8 years old, following the teachings of their Clownist parents, walk into iParty at the local strip mall and get themselves a big red nose, white face paint and some big fukkin' blue shoes so that they can go home and make a sign on poster board that says "Free Hugs" and set their terror plan in motion.  In South Carolina, one clown, clad in a green, yellow and blue checkered one piece with a frilly white neck collar, brazenly waved his squeaky horn in the bread aisle at the Piggly Wiggly, tormenting customers until a security guard knocked him unconscious with a mop bucket.

We should have seen the Clownist explosion coming.  Costume stores started popping up like mosques all around the country in early September.  You cannot go to a Papa Ginos or a SuperCuts without walking past a Clownist House of Worship these days.

It's time to start profiling clowns.  I don't give a fuk if it's that lovable Ronald McDonald or Twisty the Clown from American Horror Story.  We must treat all clowns as if they want to scare us.  Bozo?  Fuk that asshole!  And Pennywise - that sunuvabitch took Georgie.  I know he did.


How about this?  How about all you scaredy-cats who pucker up in the poop hoop at the sight of a clown carrying balloons, get fukkin' tough!  This crisis is your fault.  It's a friggin' CLOWN fahchrissake!!!!  It's not like he's a Democrat wearing a Hillary pin, which honestly makes me poop a little!!!  See this guy above... he will likely be arrested for this.  But what law has he broken?  As far as I know, it's not illegal to make someone piss their pants and run away like a 1940s Frenchman.  We all know that clowns are notorious for ignoring seat belt laws in little cars.  But other than that... you got nothing. You guys are taking all of the fun out of this.  Hell, the FBI might pay me a visit for posting a picture of Twisty.

Listen.... clowns are not scary.  Instead, they are awesome!  And I have proof!!!