Monday, October 17, 2016

Pats Recap: Cincinnati is WKRAP!!


TMFB, Hightower and Gronk
Doin' The Cincy Nut Stomp

Threw on my slippers, gave my balls a healthy scratch and grabbed my coffee (I washed my hands) for a Monday morning stroll through the jagged minds of Bengals fans this morning to get the real story as to why the Bengals lost to the Patriots yesterday at the Razor.  According to various Bengals websites and news stories, the source of the Bengals defeat was obvious.  While you might think it was because the Pats had TMFB and the Two Headed Tight End, or that the New England coaching staff was able to make in-game adjustments to get their receivers open or that Officer Hightower single handedly beat the fukkin' boogers out of those idiots in orange stripes, you be wrong good sirs.  What you may not have noticed, and what only the trained eyes of the football experts at WKRP could see, was that the officials lost the game for Cincy.  I know, the Pats had more penalty yardage and that they got all of the unsportsmanlike conduct flags.  But we missed the obvious... that the league used corrupt officiating  to carefully orchestrate a Patriots victory because they did not want to spoil Tom Brady's homecoming.  Yep... the same league that spent two years twisting Brady's pubes into knots, trying to destroy his legacy over maybe being aware of unproven shenanigans, the same league that insisted on a four game suspension for air pressure and failure to cooperate while giving out three game suspensions to players for intentionally trying to injure (Google Vontaze Burfict - we will get to him later), wanted to make sure Tommy Boy had a good day so that his fans could go home happy.  This is what they are saying this morning in Cincinotgood!

Jeezus it must suck to live in Cincinnati if that's all they've got.  0-7 in the playoffs under Marvin Rooney Rule Lewis and a team of cheapshot artists.   This is a city whose biggest claim to sports fame after the Big Red Machine is the amusement park relay race to get Mike Brady's plans to the meeting before he lost the job.  Seriously, what the fuk DO they have in Cincy?  The Red Legs?  Bearcats?  Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap?  Loni Anderson's air conditioned nipples not withstanding, that down sucks!  Damn,... they don't even have a decent rock band that has come out of that shithole, except of course the legendary Isley Brothers, Foxy Shazam and The Ass Ponys.

It's always cold in Cincinnati...
Yesterday's game was yet another one of those "Relax, the coaches are gonna fix this shit and we're still gonna win by 20" games.  Time and time again, another team shows up and introduces an unexpected wrinkle that baffles the Pats for a quarter or sometimes two quarters (see Dallas game last year).  We all get pissy about how the game is turning before we are eventually reminded once again that it only takes a few series before Matt Patricia, Josh McDaniels and Hoodie take a wrench to the plan and win going away.

For most of the first half yesterday, the Bengals defense covered Brady's receivers and he spent most of the time looking for someone to be open.  Dan Fouts and Ian Eagle kept yappin' about the pressure of the Bengals' defensive line when it had nothing to do with pressure.  As a matter of fact, did you hear Geno Atkins' name at all yesterday?  Carlos Dunlap?  3 tackles between the two of them.  That's because Belichick takes away your best and you have to beat him with the rest.  And when the rest is Burfict, Jones and Williams, you gonna suck!  Brady had a lot of time in the pocket actually, but nobody could get open.  Then McDaniels waved his Potter wand at the 2 minute warning and HERE COMES THE BOOM!!  It was a blowout after that.

The Pats also adjusted on defense.  Carrot Top was able to move down the field with relative ease in the first half.  So the Pats went to three corners (with a guy named Eric Rowe on A.J. Green??) and turned Dont'a Hightower loose!  The result:  Hightower had 13 tackles, 1.5 sacks and a safety while the Bengals scored just three points and tallied just 71 yards over the final 26 minutes of the game.

Now... for the story of the game:  Gronk went fukkin' nuts catching the ball (162 yards kinda nuts) and then went fukkin' more nuts in the faces of the chippy, dirty Bengals.  Disappointingly, he got himself a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty, which he deserved, when he just could not stop taunting.  It was an unusual lack of poise for him and something for which he took 100% responsibility after the game.  And in perfect Gronk style, he turned back into who we love, even more so.  Pacman Jones tried baiting him two plays later into another penalty (he would have been ejected) and Gronk just laughed.  When Blount scored the final TD with under a minute to play, Gronk's little disco butt wiggle over the pile was comical at best.  When asked about it, he said he was just trying to be happy and avoid another flag.

It is no coincidence that the game turned south after repeat offender Vontaze Burfict intentionally dove into the back of Marty Bennett's knee away from the play.  It was a hit that could have had season ending consequences and it may have been one of the dirtiest hits in the league this year.  Of course, Fouts felt Burfict was just losing his balance and fell into Bennett's knee accidentally.  Because Fouts is a fukkin' moron.

Losing his balance???  I think not!
If the league does not look at this and take action on this fukkin' asshole, then any shred of credibility (as if there is any) is gone.  Suspend guys for a full season for smoking marijuana.  Suspend them for four games for PED use (or possibly deflating footballs).  So if Burfict (who has already been suspended for three games this year for repeated violations of safety rules) is not suspended for at least 4 games going forward, FUK GOODELL!!!  

SO LET'S FAHKIN' DANCE YA PRICKS!!!

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