Friday, October 7, 2016

We Need Better Clown Control Laws!

This country is in crisis.  I'm not talking about that fukkin' windbag Matthew bringing his Category 4 Blowjob to the third world state of Eff Ell Ay.  Nor am I talking about the Presidential election that is sure to kick the country in the collective man berries regardless of which deplorable wins.

Since the beginning of October, we have been riddled with stories of college campuses on lockdown, children being lured into the woods, and Bill Clinton talking about Obamacare.  I am talking about Radical Extreme Clownism!  These relentless muthafukkas are just walking into Halloween stores and purchasing their weapons of terrorism without so much as a background check or a waiting period.  I have seen children as young as 8 years old, following the teachings of their Clownist parents, walk into iParty at the local strip mall and get themselves a big red nose, white face paint and some big fukkin' blue shoes so that they can go home and make a sign on poster board that says "Free Hugs" and set their terror plan in motion.  In South Carolina, one clown, clad in a green, yellow and blue checkered one piece with a frilly white neck collar, brazenly waved his squeaky horn in the bread aisle at the Piggly Wiggly, tormenting customers until a security guard knocked him unconscious with a mop bucket.


We should have seen the Clownist explosion coming.  Costume stores started popping up like mosques all around the country in early September.  You cannot go to a Papa Ginos or a SuperCuts without walking past a Clownist House of Worship these days.

It's time to start profiling clowns.  I don't give a fuk if it's that lovable Ronald McDonald or Twisty the Clown from American Horror Story.  We must treat all clowns as if they want to scare us.  Bozo?  Fuk that asshole!  And Pennywise - that sunuvabitch took Georgie.  I know he did.

OR.....

How about this?  How about all you scaredy-cats who pucker up in the poop hoop at the sight of a clown carrying balloons, get fukkin' tough!  This crisis is your fault.  It's a friggin' CLOWN fahchrissake!!!!  It's not like he's a Democrat wearing a Hillary pin, which honestly makes me poop a little!!!  See this guy above... he will likely be arrested for this.  But what law has he broken?  As far as I know, it's not illegal to make someone piss their pants and run away like a 1940s Frenchman.  We all know that clowns are notorious for ignoring seat belt laws in little cars.  But other than that... you got nothing. You guys are taking all of the fun out of this.  Hell, the FBI might pay me a visit for posting a picture of Twisty.

Listen.... clowns are not scary.  Instead, they are awesome!  And I have proof!!!



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