Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Fahk The Ravens! It Was A Monday Night Patsgasm!!

Sorry I'm a day late and fistful of dollahs short, but I had two deadlines to meet yesterday...  Patriots recrap or my Twosday obligation to you loyal hahd ons who worship at the First Church of the Sacred Bosom.  Guess what I chose!

Anyhoo... we are humpin' back to Monday night's Patsgasm.  But before we get to the nut stomp, let's revisit the ESPN leadup to the game.  This was gonna be the game that was to expose the Pats as pansy beatin' frauds who have benefited from a schedule that is widely considered easier than a Kardashian at a rap concert.  They were not gonna be able to fahkin' run against the vaunted Ravens front line, so they would be forced to pass.  Gronkless, a hobbled Marty and now without Danny DLdola, TMFB would surely struggle in the passing game and spend his whole night running from the Terrell Ugly Tree Suggs and Elvis Has Left The Building Dumervil.  Not to mention....because of their recent past here, the Ravens are the only team that can waltz into the Razor unafraid.  Joe Flacco was on one of his torrid streaks and nobody is more dangerous than Joe Flacco when he's hot.  Except Tommy Muthafukkin Brady in December, ya assholes!!

More dangerous than the GOAT in December at home is the GOAT in December at home against a team he fukkin' hates!  If you needed any proof exactly how big this game was to Brady, go back and watch him tear into Lil Bro Julian for not finishing his route.  Watch him scream "LET'S GO" over and over again on the sidelines.  He wanted to beat Harbaugh and beat him badly.  He knows the Ravens and Harbaugh lit the fuse of Deflategate after their vaginas got all cramped up over eligible receivers not being eligible.  He knows Ugly Tree refuses to say his name.  And he knows the Ravens have beaten them twice in the playoffs.

So instead of the league's top rated defense dominating the game and circumcising the Pats offensive game plan, Brady and that increasingly stout offensive line torched the Purple Pussies for 500 yards.  Ugly Tree and Dumervil combined for TWO tackles.  Elvis really did leave the building.  How many times have we seen Hoodie's Pats completely neutralize the other team's best defensive players?  It's what they do.  All the time. Chris Hogan showed he was faster than at least three Ravens defensive backs.  And instead of Dangerous Joe Flacco, we saw the return of Joey Flaccid's noodle dick attack of 3 yard checkdowns to his running backs.

If I were in charge of game balls, I would give one to the bearded rocket scientist.  Matt Patricia designed a game plan that forced Flacco into making Kenneth fukkin' Dixon his primary target.  All night long, the Pats shifted pre-snap and kept switching up who would be rushing and who would be dropping into coverage.  Flacco was flustered to the point that he could only look 5 yards down field.  And the Ravens offensive line could never figure out who the fuk to block.  It is what led to Malcom Brown's safety in the first quarter.  Yes, you read it here first... it was the PATS defense that was better on Monday.  But then again, they didn't have to face a pissed off Brady.

Now for the downers... Cyrus Jones has 5 fumbles in 18 return attempts this season, losing three of them.  Belichick must like this kid because in no other world does Hoodie tolerate such poor ball protection without cutting bait.  How in the name of good sense does Jones continue getting opportunities?   The other downer....  Brady's interception.  That was a uniquely horrible decision by the GOAT.  Sure, he has had a few other endzone picks in his career.  Yes, he is human and can have the occasional shit his pants moment.  But I think you can count those moments on two hands.  And with over 8,000 passing attempts in his career, I'll take those odds any day.

Who wants to dance?

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