Monday, December 19, 2016

Pats Recrap: Defense Wins The Hat This Time

The Patriots chahtah flight from Denvah last night was delayed on the runway for two hours.  It wasn't because of weather, mechanical trouble or a drunk pilot.  The reason?  They couldn't find Malcolm Butlah.  That was until Matt Patricia, the rocket scientist that he is, figured it out and texted Emmanuel Sanders and asked him to check his jock strap.  Sure enough, Butlah was still in it.


JUST ANOTHER HAT FOR THE COLLECTION
The Pats wrapped up their 8th consecutive division championship last night and they did it with style.  Not only did they take the Mile High Monkey off their back, they swirlied that primate, stuck a deflated football up his ass and lopped off his balls and slapped Von Miller in the cheek with them.  Hashtag nutzonyerface asshole!!  Now gimme my hat and tshirt, bitch!

With the win, Hoodie Wan Kebelichik's squad secured another first round bye, the seventh season in a row they accomplished that feat, and remained lahge and in chahge for home field advantage through the playoffs.  Jeezus Christ... how do other cities do it?  We are so wikkid fahkin' spoiled in New England that had the Pats ended up hosting a first round playoff game, it would be considid their worst season in 8 yeeyahs.  Of course this kind of success is a given, what with such stah playahs like Logan Airport Ryan, Trey Flowizz and Kyle Van Who patrollin' the defense while TMFB is directin' the offense and signing slippahs like a boss!!

OUR GUYS ARE SMAHTAH THAN YOUR GUYS!
Yesterday was once again proof that to win in this league on a consistent basis, ya gotta be inconsistent.  Belichick, McDaniels and Patricia never run the same fahkin' game plan week to week.  Even when they plan to run the ball, they do it differently.  Against the Ravens top ranked run defense, they went LG Blount thunder against those big fukkers in the middle.  But against the Broncos weak run defense, they opted for the shiftiness of Little Dion up the middle, rendering Von Miller a spectatah.  Ya see... last year in the AFC Championship game, Brady was the leading rusher for the Pats with 13 yards.  In that game, he dropped back to pass 56 times and the Broncos got 17 QB hits on him.  Yesterday...  Brady only threw 31 times and was hit just 5 times.  Because the Pats coaching staff is way fahkin' smahtah than any other staff in the NFL.  That's just a fact, haters.  Live with it.

DEFENSE KILLIN' IT!
Even Gronkless, we knew the offense was still going to be elite.  But it's the defense that has stepped up it's game in a YOOOGE way the past four weeks.  The Rocket Scientist has his troops at the top of the league in points against, giving up just 16.6 points per game.  And regardless of the jiz that spews from the Felger and Mazzadouchebag radio show, points allowed per game is the ONLY defensive stat that matters.  Sure, they have the fourth best rush defense and just the 17th best pass defense.  But those stats are dictated by the game.  It is natural that the better teams give up more passing yards because their opponents are usually playing from behind and passing more.  Throw in the garbage yards while in prevent defense, it makes sense.  But as near as I can figure, the only defensive stat that leads to wins and losses is how many points you fukkin' give up.  And the Pats are the best at that.  Thus, the Pats have the best record in the league.  THAT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE!!

BYE BYE YIPS??
Oh, and the good news is that Gostkowski may have gotten over his yips.  He's made 16 of his last 17 field goals (was perfect yesterday) and has been perfect with extra points for 5 weeks.  Boy just might be saving his job here in the closing weeks.

It's Christmas time, ya pricks.  Time for a special yuletide victory dance...  everyone sing!

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