Monday, January 23, 2017

Pats Recap: Pats Dismantle Stillers, Yawn, Back to the Super Bowl.

Marty Bennett is goin' home to Houston!  And He's Kinda Happy!
The How's My Ass Taste You Gingah Mutha Fukka Tour has one more game to go.  Roger HAS to come to the next game.  And yes, haytahs... that means a shit ton to Patriot Nation.  It shouldn't.  But it does.

It was excruciating last night watching Bathroom Ben flick his way down the field 9 yards at a time while Logan Ryan and Eric Rowe played trail technique to perfection.  For you football know-nothings, trail technique is when you run behind your guy across the field while he catches first downs.  Matt Patricia's defense took the bend but don't break defense to a whole new level last night, giving up 390 yards to the Stillers high powered offense.  But while Antonio Brown had his catches and 77 yards receiving, he really was a non-factor.  And with Le'veon Bell's strained balls keeping him and his patience in a poncho, the Pats only had to worry about dudes named Sammie, Eli and Jesse.

Remember the old saying that you have to run the ball in the playoffs?  Tell that to these two teams.  There was that one run where LGBlount carried half the fukkin' Steeler defenders in a moving pig pile for the final ten yards of an 18 yard run.  But before that, he had 7 carries for MINUS 3 yards.  The Pats held Pittsburgh to just 54 yards rushing.  They have not allowed 90 yards rushing now for 25 straight games.  But who needs running backs when the GOAT and Big Ben are throwing the ball all over the gawdam field?

Ultimately, however, the game belonged to the 70's sitcoms!  Tom Brady Bunch to Chris Hogan's Heroes for the win, Alex!  Someone on Boston sports radio this week predicted that it would be a Hogan kind of game, expecting Edleman to be double teamed and linebackers keying on Lewis and Bennett.  I wish I remember which temporary genius said it... cuz he be wikkid smaht!!

It's an old line, but it applies now as much as it did early in his career... Brady's favorite receiver is the open one.  Look at Colonel Hogan, fahchrissake!  This guy's road to last night is as non-suspect as one can be.  He played college lacrosse at Penn State for three years, missing one season with an ankle injury.  After graduating from Penn State, with one year of NCAA eligibility left, he decided to give football a whirl.  So he enrolled at Monmouth University and walked on as a wide receiver.  His one year college career had 12 catches for 147 yards and three touchdowns.  As an undrafted free agent, he was cut by three NFL teams in 2 years (49ers, Giants and Dolphins), never getting past the practice squad, before catching on with the Bills active roster in 2013.  But at the end of 2015, in Rex Ryan's estimation, it was not worth renewing Hogan's contract.  Enter Hoodie and TMFB, who turned this guy into this season's NFL leader in yards per reception and the Patriots record holder for most receiving yards in a playoff game.  Thanks for coming, everyone.

I woke up this morning expecting to hear some rumblings about nefarious underhandery by the Evil Patriots.  Did McNally sneak off to Pittsburgh during the week and fill their practice Gatorade with test tubes of influenza?  Did Nate Ebner really pull the fire alarm?  Was Mike Tomlin listening to Ashley Judd's women's march speech in his headset?  Did Antonio Brown Facebook Live stream the game plan?  Was Brady generally aware of someone deflating Le'Veon Bell's balls??   So far, aside from Robert Kraft's hangover, it's nothing but peppermint and gumdrops here in Foxboro Town!  Pats are on their way to their record NINTH Super Bowl.  Brady will play in his record SEVENTH Super Bowl.  The Hoodie will coach in his record SEVENTH Super Bowl.  And Hogan's Wikipedia page temporarily titled him as Pittsburgh's Baby Daddy!!  

Seriously....  the guy is THIRTY NINE YEARS OLD!!!  All he did last night was go 32 for 42 for 384 yards and three touchdowns and a QBR of 127.5.  The best playoff performance of his career.  People keep saying that Brady is more motivated this year because of the suspension.  People who believe that have not been paying attention to this guy for 16 years.  To say that implies that there are times when he is less motivated.  That is simply not possible.  As Troy Brown put it last night, TMFB is motivated by the same thing that has always driven him... the fact that Lloyd Carr made him split time his senior season at Michigan with freshman Drew fukkin' Henson.  Thank you Lloyd!

See you in two weeks!!   Who's dancing???  Scrapping Gisele's cave dance and keeping with the 70's sitcom theme...

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