Sunday, May 28, 2017

For 14 Teams, the NBA Playoffs Are Like Going to a Strip Club

The Stanley Cup Diving Nationals get underway tomorrow night, and I, for one, will be watching with eyes wide open, rootin' wikkid hahd for the Predahdahs.  While card carrying members of the Thornton Melon Hall of Fame Sindy Crosby and PussKunt Subban go vagina to vagina for the top prize in the NHL, know this much:  the Stanley Cup final is going to be must see television, and much more exciting than watching Steph Curry, Kevin Durant and LeBitchBitch play angry face.

You can play along,
but you ain't winning.
My problem with the NBA is this:  The 82 game season and the 3 rounds of blowout hoops was a complete waste of fukkin' time.  Oh, it gave the ridiculously optimistic Celtics nation a little strip club boner for a few weeks.  You know what I'm talking about - when you get up close and personal with a glittered nekkid chick and she smiles at you like you have a chance.  And shit, she might even give you a Game 3 lap dance that gives you even more hope.   But reality is that from the time you walked into the place, you were NEVER taking her home.  But thanks for your money and congratulations on that first round pick.  You still lost.

28 NBA teams opened their season like they were walking into a strip club.  They were gonna have their moments, but they knew they weren't going home with the girl.  We all knew since the end of last season (and since the end of the season before that and the season before that) which two teams would be in the finals.  The NBA regular season is a gawdam joke.  It has become a money grab for owners and a nuisance for the super stars.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  Hell, BronBron said as much when he told everyone he could care less about regular season games.  Can you ever imagine Michael, Magic or Larry sitting out a few games a year to be rested for the playoffs?  No... because back then, they at least believed that you play EVERY game to win EVERY game.

For more evidence that the NBA is star driven, take a look at the Warriors.  Head coach Steve Kerr has not even been on the bench since April because of a back injury.  It is unlikely he will even coach in the finals.  But this is the NBA.  Who needs coaches when the superstars run the teams?  Do you know the name of the Cavaliers coach?  Betcha don't.  Cuz it does not matter.  Bron is in charge.

Look for a minute at the contrast between the NHL and the NBA (and I'm not talking about the color balance either).  The NBA Western Conference finals was a four game sweep by the Warriors over the supposed second best team in the conference, with an average margin of victory of 16 points.  YAWN.  The NBA Eastern Conference finals went only 5 games with an average margin of victory of 20 points.   SNORE.   In the game 5 clincher, the Cavs led by as many as 39 in the fourth quarter.  Meanwhile, on the same night, in the NHL Eastern Conference finals, the Pens and Sens were in a game 7 and needed double overtime to determine who would advance.

So, if you like your sports to have a predetermined champion, then go right ahead and rub one out watching the NBA and listening to Curry and James post game pressers about themselves.  Me.. I'll be watching a real sport that keeps me on the edge of my seat from opening night of the season THROUGH the entire playoffs.  And I'll be complaining about that little puss Crosby ad nauseum.  So Pens fans might wanna block me.

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