Thursday, June 29, 2017

Minnesota Man Distraught After Facebook Test Tells Him He Is Sister Christian!

A Minnesota man found out this week that he spent the last 35 years living a lie, and he is not sure what he should do about it.  After taking a test on Facebook, "Which 80's Power Ballad Are You?", Ben Swigginballs from Bigelow Falls learned that he was Sister Christian and the news is not sitting well with the 41 year-old bolt-maker and father of three.

We reached out to Swigginballs for comment and found him in his driveway sitting on the hood of his appliance yellow AMC Pacer wearing a Warrant concert tshirt.  "Yes, I'm disappointed.  I lived my whole life thinking I was Love Bites by Def Leppard," said Swigginballs, the dejection visible in his weary eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep.  "My wife is not talking to me; says she can't trust me anymore.  And my oldest son Rocky asked me if I was really his father."

This is not the first time Facebook has screwed over Swigginballs and he may be contemplating legal action.  "Just last year," he went on, "I typed 'AMEN' in the comment box under a picture of Jesus and guess what happened.  NOTHING!  That's what.  The picture said He would bless me.  He never fukkin' blessed me.  As a matter of fact, I took a line drive to the nuts later that night during a beer league softball game."

According to Swigginballs, he never received his free iPad for liking a picture of Steve Jobs in 2012 nor did he come into money after sharing a post about August having 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.  "Moneybags my ass!  That happens like every 6 years... not once every 863 years!!"

Swigginballs has vowed not to fall for any more Facebook shenanigans in the future.  "Now they have me adding and multiplying fukkin' cheeseburgers and fries.  And yesterday, I found four horses with three legs, but someone told me there were five.  I'm like what he fuk!!  But I did get 20 out of 20 correct in their Happy Days quiz.  And they said nobody could get even 5 right."


Do YOU suffer from Facebook Gullibility Disorder?  Do you like, share and tag with reckless abandon in the hopes of getting rich or bringing on world peace?  If you do, then read on. 


~You do not have a Disney doppelganger.  NOBODY DOES.~

~Taking a test DOES NOT make you a Dawson's Creek character, ~
(not even if it says you are Pacey Witter).

~Marty McFly did not travel to the future on this date~
(unless it's Oct 21, 2015)

~Jeesus it doesn't fukkin' matter what word you see first.~

~And it does not fukkin' matter how many triangles you see!~

~Liking a picture of a kid with cancer will not raise money.~

~Facebook will not be charging you to use it.~
(the Idiot Tax is still illegal)

~Microwaving your iPhone WILL NOT CHARGE IT~


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

John McEnroe Had Better Never Apologize!

Uptight snowflakes and sphincter sucking sissies are all up in jazz arms this week demanding that John McEnroe apologize to poor Serena Williams.  Why, you ask?  Well, during an interview on NPR this week, the big mean white haired old man called Serena the "greatest female player ever, no question."  Can you believe it???   This chauvinistic crab actually said that.  The NPR interviewer followed up by asking why he qualified the statement with the term "female."   HUH?  He called Serena a female???  Holy fuckmetotears!  The noive!

Here's the actual conversation in case you missed it:
GARCIA-NAVARRO: We're talking about male players, but there [are] of course wonderful female players. Let's talk about Serena Williams.   
MCENROE: Best female player ever — no question. 
GARCIA-NAVARRO: Some wouldn't qualify it; some would say she's the best player in the world. Why qualify it? 
MCENROE: Oh! Uh, she's not, you mean, the best player in the world, period? 
GARCIA-NAVARRO: Yeah, the best tennis player in the world. You know, why say female player?
MCENROE: Well, because if she was in, if she played the men's circuit, she'd be, like, 700 in the world. 
GARCIA-NAVARRO: You think so? 
MCENROE: Yeah. That doesn't mean I don't think Serena is an incredible player. I do, but the reality of what would happen would be I think something that perhaps it'd be a little higher, perhaps it'd be a little lower. And on a given day, Serena could beat some players. I believe because she's so incredibly strong mentally that she could overcome some situations where players would choke 'cause she's been in it so many times, so many situations at Wimbledon, the US Open, etc. But if she had to just play the circuit — the men's circuit — that would be an entirely different story.

So, what the Legion of Easily Offended are whining about is that McEnroe arbitrarily claimed that 699 men are better tennis players than Serena.  Seems like a big number.  BUT, in 1998, Serena lost to the 203rd ranked male player in the world in straight sets, 6-1, 6-2.

Then there was this quote from Serena herself in 2013 when on David Letterman:
“Actually it’s funny, because Andy Murray, he’s been joking about myself and him playing a match. I’m like, ‘Andy, seriously, are you kidding me?’ For me, mens’ tennis and womens’ tennis are completely, almost, two separate sports. If I were to play Andy Murray, I would lose 6-0, 6-0 in five to six minutes, maybe 10 minutes. No, it’s true. It’s a completely different sport. The men are a lot faster and they serve harder, they hit harder, it’s just a different game. I love to play women’s tennis. I only want to play girls, because I don’t want to be embarrassed. I would not do the tour, I would not do Billie Jean [King] any disservice. So Andy, stop it. I’m not going to let you kill me.”
But now Serena wants McEnroe to leave her out of his comments that are "not factually based" and to leave her alone while she's trying to have a baby.  Shut the fuk up!!  I do love that Good Morning America had McEnroe on yesterday morning after his comments and asked him if he would apologize for his comments.  He said, "Um, no."  

And why should he.  He was asked specifically about female players by that NPR asshole.  So when he includes the qualifier in his response, she then calls him on it?  Four years ago, Serena said the same friggin' thing.  So he exaggerated by using the hyperbole "700" - but the message is identical.  It's a different fukkin game!  There is a reason the men play best of 5 sets and women play best of 3.  I don't know the reason... but there is one.  I do know that the x chromosome and the y chromosome are different fukkin' chromosomes.  YOU KNOW THEY ARE!  EVERYONE KNOWS THEY ARE!  So cut the fukkin' shit.

John McEnroe said NOTHING wrong.   Neither did Serena in 2013.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Father's Day: I Come From A Long, Squiggly, Awesome Line of Love

I've been a son for 50 something years, a stepson for 36 and a father for 24.  So I consider myself a virtual virtuoso in fatherology, wikkid experienced in the ways of got yer nose, pull my finger and hold my beer.

Yes, Father's Day is a Hallmark Holiday and we do not need some artificial date to appreciate our Dads.  But you have to admit, it helps. 

For whatever reason whatever your higher being has, I have been flooded with lessons and reminders of what it means to be a FATHER this week.  From Jimmy's birthday beer with Grampy to sharing stories about my stepdad Peder with my stepcousin Bigfoot at Laconia to looking at pictures of Kim's dad Butch on our wedding day to crying tears of joy with Kim after getting great news from Chris, this has been a father kind of week!!

But best of all, on Wednesday, I am flying down to Pittsburgh to visit with my Dad and then drive him and Laurette back to New England for Katie's wedding.  I am so looking forward to spending 4 straight days with the man who has handed down to me a long line of love that has defined me and that continues to define my two kids.  Oh sure, our line of love is not very straight... it has a few bends and branches, a break here and there... but it is long!!  Yes, dads teach us how to make armpit farts, how to make ketchup smiley faces on boloney and how to drive a stick.  But my Dad also taught me the importance of family and what it means to love those people closest to me.  And from that, I truly believe all good things come.  

Today, Jessica, my "baby" girl, turns 23.  Chris will be 25 in December.  They say that watching your children succeed in life does a parent proud.  That my friends is an understatement.  In August of 2012, both Chris and Jess moved away to school.  Just like that, our house was big and empty.  We were not sure how they would adjust, if they would adjust or what the future would hold.  Let's just say, they adjusted perfectly well.... so well that they did not really come home at all those first few months.  In a way, it was heartbreaking!  Don't they miss us?  Do they hate it at home?  Why do they like being at school better than being at home.  Did we do something wrong?  Were we bad parents? But the reality was this:  We were doing it right!  As a parent, from the moment your children are born, your job is to prepare them to NOT NEED YOU.  I don't mean that in an emotional sense... we ALWAYS need our parents.  But we were readying them for life on their own.  And it was working. 

There really are no words that can describe that feeling you get when you see your children grab hold of their own paths in life and just run with it!  In the past two weeks alone, both of my kids have taken HUGE steps toward their career and life goals.  Jess was promoted to being a lead therapist and accepted into grad school.  Chris just keeps inching toward becoming a police officer.  And it just moves me to tears when, through their own hard work and determination, they actually grab the stars for which they are reaching!!

This is what being a Dad is all about... And I'll see you Wednesday Dad!!

Always look back to see from where you've come!

Also, a very Happy Father's Day in heaven to these two men!!

Peder... thank you for everything you did for all of us. 
BTW, I still cannot teach Chris how to tie a friggin' tie.  Don't know how you did it.

Butch... Thank you for giving me her hand 25 years ago!

I cannot listen to this song without choking up... despite our scattered family tree, the sentiment describes EXACTLY how I was raised, from my grandparents on down!!

Sunday, June 4, 2017

It's Not About Winning The Game, It Never Is

Celena Massey celebrates the game she loves
Two out in the seventh, down 8-1, this meaningless home run had more meaning than anything else you will see in the College Softball World Series.  This one home run from a senior, her reaction and the reaction of her teammates and coaches and the tears of pride from her parents remind us that it really is not about winning the game.  It never is.
Before yesterday, Celena Massey had just 4 at-bats her senior season (13 ABs the past two seasons combined) with the Aggies, but she kept coming to the games.  A senior catcher, she has been the backup for her whole career, but she kept going to practice.   She had not hit a home run since her sophomore year.  Yesterday in Oklahoma City, her coach, Jo Evans, realized that with one out in the bottom of the seventh and down seven runs, the Aggies season was going to end with the next out.  The careers of her two barely used seniors would also end.  So she sent senior Reagan Boenker (13 at-bats this season) up to pinch hit for the final at-bat of her career.  She grounded out to the shortstop.  And just like that, Reagan's career was over.  Down to her final out, Coach Evans sent Celena to bat and, in an 8-2 loss, Massey gave us the best moment of the entire CSWS.

You see, they play the games to win.  But they play the sport because they love it.  And when everyone in that park celebrated Massey's home run like it had just won the game, they were really celebrating what it means to play a game you love, and to play it until you cannot play it anymore.  Thank you Celena Massey for reminding me what is important in sports.  And congratulations!!!

Celena autographs the home run ball for her biggest fan, her dad, Buck Massey.
They don't look like a team that lost by 6.