Thursday, June 29, 2017

Minnesota Man Distraught After Facebook Test Tells Him He Is Sister Christian!

A Minnesota man found out this week that he spent the last 35 years living a lie, and he is not sure what he should do about it.  After taking a test on Facebook, "Which 80's Power Ballad Are You?", Ben Swigginballs from Bigelow Falls learned that he was Sister Christian and the news is not sitting well with the 41 year-old bolt-maker and father of three.

We reached out to Swigginballs for comment and found him in his driveway sitting on the hood of his appliance yellow AMC Pacer wearing a Warrant concert tshirt.  "Yes, I'm disappointed.  I lived my whole life thinking I was Love Bites by Def Leppard," said Swigginballs, the dejection visible in his weary eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep.  "My wife is not talking to me; says she can't trust me anymore.  And my oldest son Rocky asked me if I was really his father."

This is not the first time Facebook has screwed over Swigginballs and he may be contemplating legal action.  "Just last year," he went on, "I typed 'AMEN' in the comment box under a picture of Jesus and guess what happened.  NOTHING!  That's what.  The picture said He would bless me.  He never fukkin' blessed me.  As a matter of fact, I took a line drive to the nuts later that night during a beer league softball game."

According to Swigginballs, he never received his free iPad for liking a picture of Steve Jobs in 2012 nor did he come into money after sharing a post about August having 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.  "Moneybags my ass!  That happens like every 6 years... not once every 863 years!!"

Swigginballs has vowed not to fall for any more Facebook shenanigans in the future.  "Now they have me adding and multiplying fukkin' cheeseburgers and fries.  And yesterday, I found four horses with three legs, but someone told me there were five.  I'm like what he fuk!!  But I did get 20 out of 20 correct in their Happy Days quiz.  And they said nobody could get even 5 right."


Do YOU suffer from Facebook Gullibility Disorder?  Do you like, share and tag with reckless abandon in the hopes of getting rich or bringing on world peace?  If you do, then read on. 


~You do not have a Disney doppelganger.  NOBODY DOES.~

~Taking a test DOES NOT make you a Dawson's Creek character, ~
(not even if it says you are Pacey Witter).

~Marty McFly did not travel to the future on this date~
(unless it's Oct 21, 2015)

~Jeesus it doesn't fukkin' matter what word you see first.~

~And it does not fukkin' matter how many triangles you see!~

~Liking a picture of a kid with cancer will not raise money.~

~Facebook will not be charging you to use it.~
(the Idiot Tax is still illegal)

~Microwaving your iPhone WILL NOT CHARGE IT~


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