Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Twofer Twosday: Kim Guilfoyle of Fox News

Happy last Twosday in January ya hahd ons!  5 more Twosdays of winter and something like 10 more Twosdays till sundresses and tube tops!

Kim Guilfoyle certainly puts the fox in Fox News!  And she ain't just some pretty face with legs up to her neck.  Oh no... she's wikkid fukkin' smaht too.  She has her Juris Doctor from University of San Francisco School of Law and she was an Assistant District Attorney in LA and San Fran before getting her start on Court TV and ultimately her job at Fox News.  Smahts, fahts!  Kim is a total smoke who made extra money in  college modeling for Victoria Secret.  YAY!


Yes... I see your brains and personality.

Just earning a little spending money in college working for VS




Monday, January 30, 2017

Jesus Christ... It Ain't About Religion!!


Today's history lesson comes to you courtesy of the Visa Waiver Program Improvement and Terrorist Travel Prevention Act of 2015.

If you are gonna raise hell about Trump's executive order on travel restrictions, you should know history.  And then you should wonder why you never even heard of the Terrorist Travel Prevention Act.  And why you STILL have not heard any Democrat refer to it this week.  And after you learn history, you should read Trump's Executive Order to know exactly what it says.  By the way, it mentions only one country by name... Syria.

FYI, the Visa Waiver Program is a US program that was passed in 1986 during Reagan's administration.  It allows citizens of 38 identified, developed countries to travel to the United States for up to 90 days without having to apply for and obtain a visa.  Nationals of countries not part of the agreement must apply for a visa in order to travel to the US.  In order to get a visa to the US, one would need to apply, get fingerprinted and have a face to face visitor visa interview at the US Embassy or Consulate in their country.  There is generally a wait of several weeks.

On December 18, 2015, President Barack Obama signed into law the Consolidated Appropriations Act 2016, which included the Visa Waiver Program Improvement and Terrorist Travel Prevention Act of 2015 (the Act). This Act identified that nationals of VWP countries who have traveled to Iraq, Syria, Iran, and Sudan after 2011 were no longer eligible to travel or be admitted to the United States under the VWP.  In February, 2016, Obama's Dept of Homeland Security added Libya, Yemen and Somalia to that list of Countries of Particular Concern.  They would now need to apply for a visa as any other citizen of any other non-VWP country.  Simply because they VISITED one of the seven countries.  


Now... near as I can figure, that is a travel policy implemented by Obama that makes a distinction between these seven countries and the rest of the world.  I never heard anyone accuse Obama of making sweeping policy changes based on someone's religion.  Yet, when Trump used that preexisting list of seven countries in his order to suspend issuance of visas, somehow HIS policy is racist and un-American.

So THAT'S your history lesson.  Now for your "PRESENT" lesson.

A BAN ON ONE RELIGION?   NOPE.   President Trump's order targets seven countries that happen to be also be Muslim-majority countries.  There are FIFTY Muslim-majority countries in this world.  I have been out of school for a lot of fukkin' years, but my math tells me that citizens in 43 Muslim-majority countries are not effected by this order.  That includes citizens of Pakistan, Afghanistan, Algeria and Morocco, all of which are 99% Muslim.  So when Marty Walsh spouts into a microphone that discrimination based on religion is not American, don't applaud him blindly because he's a Democrat.  Remind yourself that Obama separated the same seven countries from the rest of the world.

Trump's order TEMPORARILY suspends the issuance of any visas to any nationals of the seven aforementioned countries for a period of 90 days.  During the first 30 days, the Secretary of State and Dept of National Intelligence are to review the current vetting process and determine what information is going to be needed to properly vet those seeking admission into the United States.  They will determine which countries are not providing that information and give them 60 days to comply.  If they do not comply, citizens of those countries will be barred from traveling to the US.

BARRING GREEN CARD HOLDERS?  Nope again.  Green card holders WILL NOT be barred from re-entering the country.  Citizens of those target countries who have permanent residency will be subject of greater scrutiny, but will likely be allowed through.  Yep, that means that for the next three months, citizens of those countries will be detained for a few hours undergoing questioning by customs agents.

HALTING REFUGEES:  The Refugee Admission Program is suspended for 4 months while the new administration reviews the vetting process before allowing them to resettle in the US.  People escaping religious persecution will still be allowed to resettle in the US, just so long as their religion is not the majority religion of the country from which they are running.

In the end, this executive order represents a suspension of certain policies while this administration reviews and determines how best to protect this nation while remaining a country of immigrants and continuing to show compassion to those fleeing oppression.  But it is a delicate balance.  A balance that has thrown the left into more tantrums.  The former President feels he is still relevant because he sounded off today.  Go away asshole.  You had your 8 years.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Twofer Twosday: I Guess I Don't Hate Winter That Much

While Sofia Vergara has been a frequent contributor here on Twosdays given her ample Columbian curves and overall wikkid fahkin' hawtness, I must admit that I have never really watched her television show, Modern Family.  Did ya know Sofia was not the only 32F on the friggin' cast?  Why did nobody tell me about Ariel Winter??  WHY???  


Post reduction happy dance!!





If you use Podunk Algebra here, 32F + 32F = 64FF!!
Solving for the variable, F = AWESOME!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Pats Recap: Pats Dismantle Stillers, Yawn, Back to the Super Bowl.

Marty Bennett is goin' home to Houston!  And He's Kinda Happy!
The How's My Ass Taste You Gingah Mutha Fukka Tour has one more game to go.  Roger HAS to come to the next game.  And yes, haytahs... that means a shit ton to Patriot Nation.  It shouldn't.  But it does.

It was excruciating last night watching Bathroom Ben flick his way down the field 9 yards at a time while Logan Ryan and Eric Rowe played trail technique to perfection.  For you football know-nothings, trail technique is when you run behind your guy across the field while he catches first downs.  Matt Patricia's defense took the bend but don't break defense to a whole new level last night, giving up 390 yards to the Stillers high powered offense.  But while Antonio Brown had his catches and 77 yards receiving, he really was a non-factor.  And with Le'veon Bell's strained balls keeping him and his patience in a poncho, the Pats only had to worry about dudes named Sammie, Eli and Jesse.

Remember the old saying that you have to run the ball in the playoffs?  Tell that to these two teams.  There was that one run where LGBlount carried half the fukkin' Steeler defenders in a moving pig pile for the final ten yards of an 18 yard run.  But before that, he had 7 carries for MINUS 3 yards.  The Pats held Pittsburgh to just 54 yards rushing.  They have not allowed 90 yards rushing now for 25 straight games.  But who needs running backs when the GOAT and Big Ben are throwing the ball all over the gawdam field?

Ultimately, however, the game belonged to the 70's sitcoms!  Tom Brady Bunch to Chris Hogan's Heroes for the win, Alex!  Someone on Boston sports radio this week predicted that it would be a Hogan kind of game, expecting Edleman to be double teamed and linebackers keying on Lewis and Bennett.  I wish I remember which temporary genius said it... cuz he be wikkid smaht!!

It's an old line, but it applies now as much as it did early in his career... Brady's favorite receiver is the open one.  Look at Colonel Hogan, fahchrissake!  This guy's road to last night is as non-suspect as one can be.  He played college lacrosse at Penn State for three years, missing one season with an ankle injury.  After graduating from Penn State, with one year of NCAA eligibility left, he decided to give football a whirl.  So he enrolled at Monmouth University and walked on as a wide receiver.  His one year college career had 12 catches for 147 yards and three touchdowns.  As an undrafted free agent, he was cut by three NFL teams in 2 years (49ers, Giants and Dolphins), never getting past the practice squad, before catching on with the Bills active roster in 2013.  But at the end of 2015, in Rex Ryan's estimation, it was not worth renewing Hogan's contract.  Enter Hoodie and TMFB, who turned this guy into this season's NFL leader in yards per reception and the Patriots record holder for most receiving yards in a playoff game.  Thanks for coming, everyone.

I woke up this morning expecting to hear some rumblings about nefarious underhandery by the Evil Patriots.  Did McNally sneak off to Pittsburgh during the week and fill their practice Gatorade with test tubes of influenza?  Did Nate Ebner really pull the fire alarm?  Was Mike Tomlin listening to Ashley Judd's women's march speech in his headset?  Did Antonio Brown Facebook Live stream the game plan?  Was Brady generally aware of someone deflating Le'Veon Bell's balls??   So far, aside from Robert Kraft's hangover, it's nothing but peppermint and gumdrops here in Foxboro Town!  Pats are on their way to their record NINTH Super Bowl.  Brady will play in his record SEVENTH Super Bowl.  The Hoodie will coach in his record SEVENTH Super Bowl.  And Hogan's Wikipedia page temporarily titled him as Pittsburgh's Baby Daddy!!  

Seriously....  the guy is THIRTY NINE YEARS OLD!!!  All he did last night was go 32 for 42 for 384 yards and three touchdowns and a QBR of 127.5.  The best playoff performance of his career.  People keep saying that Brady is more motivated this year because of the suspension.  People who believe that have not been paying attention to this guy for 16 years.  To say that implies that there are times when he is less motivated.  That is simply not possible.  As Troy Brown put it last night, TMFB is motivated by the same thing that has always driven him... the fact that Lloyd Carr made him split time his senior season at Michigan with freshman Drew fukkin' Henson.  Thank you Lloyd!

See you in two weeks!!   Who's dancing???  Scrapping Gisele's cave dance and keeping with the 70's sitcom theme...

Thursday, January 19, 2017

You Do Realize That Half Of America Feels Differently, Right?


Tomorrow will mark our four year tradition of celebrating a peaceful change of power.  But try celebrating that in any circle in Massachusetts.  Oh no... if you talk to anyone in this forever in blue state, tomorrow is the day of the apocalypse.  It will forever be remembered as the day that women were stripped of their uteri, that Muslims were herded into concentration camps, that sexual harassment was legalized and that everyone lost their healthcare.  In Massachusetts, they all assume that everyone around them agrees with them.  They're fukkin' WRONG!  They talk about it without regard to how others in the room feel.  Because, you know, if you are not angered about Trump's election, well then, you must be an asshole and undeserving of respect.  It's arrogance and ignorance mixed together in a disgusting Democrat Stew.

Look at the fukkin' mess going on right now.  This country is as divided as it has ever been.  Divided by political party, by race, by income.  There is a line of hate that has been drawn.  This is not Donald Trump's doing - he isn't even fukkin' President yet.  That falls on the previous administrations.  This is the doing of spoiled little snottwats who still cannot comprehend that their darling candidate lost.  It's the fukkin' tantrum that will never end.  It's the three year old on the floor in the candy aisle screaming for Skittles for two hours while Daddy threatens him with a time-out.  And now we are left with watching haggard old New Englanders Lizzie the Douche, Maggie Hassan and Uncle Bernie grill Trump's cabinet nominees as if they know what the fuk they are talking about.  Can you guarantee you will not cut a dollar from Medicare?  Have you ever had a student loan?  Can you guarantee that you will enforce the education rules already in place?  yada yada fukkin yada!  The most puzzling moment came from rookie dumdum Maggie Hassan from my state asking Health and Human Services nominee Tom Price this gem:  Do you believe an employer should be able to fire a woman for using birth control?   Where the fuk does that question come from?  Why didn't she ask if he believed a woman should be arrested for using Midol?

There's also the large delegation of jackasses who felt the need to ANNOUNCE that they will not attend Trump's inauguration.  Last count was up to 68 Democrats who will skip the peaceful transition of power.  To make a point.  And to keep this country as divided as possible.  Unification and respect of the office only matters when it's one of their guys in the big seat.  They are allegedly standing with John Lewis, Democratic Senator from Georgia, who claimed Trump is not a legitimate President because of the popular vote nonsense.  Lewis proudly claimed that this would be the first inauguration he has missed since he has been in Congress.  Except that he is a lying muthafukka!   Lewis also skipped Dubbaya's inauguration in 2001 for the same reason.  Misremembering the past.  Sounds like a Democrat leader if I ever heard one.

Here's the deal, assholes.  Trump is a LEGALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT.  You may not like it.  I don't love it myself.  But his election is legitimate, legal and tough titties for you!  It had nothing to do with the Russians and everything to do with your candidate.

Back to Massachusetts for a minute.  One of the trademark moves of the Democrat party is that you, their voters, are too stupid to make the right choice.  It's why they have Superdelegates.  It's why they tell you how to buy healthcare and how to feed your child.  Massholes LEGALLY voted to allow recreational use of marijuana.  It is now legal to grow, buy, possess and smoke pot as of December 15th, 2016.  However, your wikkid smahttah than you legislators voted to delay the opening of retail pot shops until July 2018.  So, in typical Massachusetts fashion, it is legal to buy it, but illegal to sell it.  Because despite the ballot question that was voted on that outlined exactly how marijuana will be regulated, lawmakers dismissed the popular ballot and told citizens to fuk off... they know better.  These are your Jackasses, people!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Twofer Twosday: Oh That's Right...Charlotte McKinney

That time when you are poking around in Google images for the next Twosday guest and remembered that Charlotte McKinney was out there.  She of the naked stroll through the farmer's market in the Carl's Jr. Super Bowl commercial showed up with her girlie goods on this page two days after Malcom Butler's interception.  Sadly, Charlotte had been far too busy doing things like dancing with stars and making more Carl's Jr. commercials to make it back north to the SnG offices.  She's a busy lady.  Can you imagine how much time she spends in the morning getting dressed?  I mean, when every fukkin' thing she puts on looks perfect, it must be tough to choose what to wear.  So I say just don't get dressed.








Guns, burgers, explosions, boobs......   God Bless America!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Imagine If THIS Was The Painting. How Would William Lacy Clay Feel?



A controversial painting on Capitol Hill, shown above, depicting soldiers from the Confederate Army leading a charge carrying their battle flag was becoming the very definition of a political football Tuesday as Democratic and Republican lawmakers repeatedly passed it back and forth in a growing tit-for-tat. Offended Democrats kept taking it down and Republicans kept hanging it up.  One Democrat representative called the painting “offensive to African Americans and Americans in general," acknowledging that he was angered by its depiction of the Confederate flag. Republican leaders of the Congressional White Caucus issued this statement, "It’s not about defending an art contest. It’s about defending the Constitution.  We are not “anti-black” and we do not agree or disagree with the painting,” -- arguing their intent is to defend the First Amendment rights of the 18-year-old artist, David Dickerson. She argued the artist’s world view has been shaped by pride in his Southern heritage and he should have the right to express that view.

As you know, this is not the actual story coming out of Capitol Hill, but it is pretty fukkin' similar, ain't it?  The real story has been discussed over and over.... an 18 year old high school student from Missouri depicted police officers as pigs, pointing guns at black protesters.  Law enforcement groups are understandably offended by the painting.  But Congressman Lacy Clay of Missouri liked the painting so much, he selected it as his district's representative artwork for the national contest.  Clay, standing alongside other members of the Congressional Black Caucus, said that his intent is to defend the First Amendment rights of the 18 year old artist.  He said that the artist's world view has been shaped by animalistic behavior of police officers.

Interestingly enough, Clay was not as interested in freedom of speech or the shaping of world views in 2015 when he introduced a bill to prohibit Confederate flags from Veterans' cemeteries.  And when he asked the mayor of St. Louis to remove a Confederate monument from Forest Park in that city.  At the time, Clay wrote, "Symbols associated with this country's racist, oppressive past should not be elevated or displayed in public places."   Unless it's a symbol of racial divide perpetuated by 8 years of President Obama.  Then put that fukker up in public and tell everyone else that they do not have the right to be offended.  Fuck William Lacy Clay!!  And any police officers assigned to security detail for his ass in Washington or Missouri should tell him he is on his fukkin' own!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Twofer Twosday: We Definitely Have Charisma!!

Happy Twosday fellas...  except you Nick Saban.  To you... hahahardyha!!  Eat a turd.

Do any of you remember Charisma Carpenter?  She played Cordelia Chase on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I was a big Buffy fan actually.  Mostly because of the hot chicks doing kung fu and because of Alyson Hannigan.  But anyhoo.... Charisma's role of Cordelia returned with the Buffy spinoff, Angel.  But soon thereafter, she disappeared into anonymity.  She was spotted once by this eagle eye in the second to last episode of Sons of Anarchy (the episode where Jax shoots Gema).  She should do more movies and television.  Or music videos with white Jaguars.   Or anything.

Say hello to Charisma









We love motion...  

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Twofer Twosday: Morning Wood - Lana Wood That Is

Her older sister Natalie is more famous because of her critically acclaimed roles in Miracle on 34th Street, Rebel Without A Cause and West Side Story.  (Oh, and as the punchline to the joke, "What kind of wood doesn't float?"  Oh, settle down tightasses.. 35 years is not too soon.  It's a funny joke.)

Lana Wood had quite the under the radar career... She played Plenty O'Toole in the Bond film, Diamonds are Forever and she was once on Fantasy Island.  Oh... she also went all nakey in Playboy in 1971 and lemme say she is a Twosday girl fo sho!!!  It might be worth turning off the safe filter on Google Search and checking out her birthday suit...  I did.  Two words:  yowza and pepperonis!!

Editor's Caution:  I am issuing a What The Fuk Happened Advisory that remains in effect until forever.  Now, listen to me and listen to me very closely.  Do not - I repeat - DO NOT Google search Lana Wood Now.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Lana has another well kept secret that only enhances her standing here at SnG...  She is Russian.  Born Svetlana Gurdin (Natalie was born Natalie Sacharenko, btw) gives her that added "moose and squirrel hotness" that only loyal readers of this drivel will understand.








That Ian Fleming has a way with names.  Pussy Galore (Goldfinger), Honey Ryder (Dr. No), Sylvia Trench (Dr. No), Holly Goodhead (Moonraker), Dink (Goldfinger), and my favorite from Man With The Golden Gun.... Chew Mee.  But today is all about Plenty O'Toole!!!




Sunday, January 1, 2017

Keep Your Hands Off My Seed!!

Tough touchdown!  Devastating block!  I wanna take Michael Floyd out drinking when he gets back to town tonight.  I'll drive!

There would be no fukkin' around today in South Beach like they did last season when they decided to practice their running game for the first quarter.  This time, the Pats kept their seed hand strong and guarandamnteed that for as long as they remain alive, the playoffs will come through the Razor.  They did it by looking at the Dolphins 9-1 record in the past ten games for what it was... toilet paper.  Oh sure... the 'phins put together two consecutive no-huddle drives in the middle of the game, but all that really did was give a semblance of balance to the stat sheet.   They won by 21, but the game was not that close.

Miami is still Miami.  Donkey Kong Suh is still a dirty prick.  Bobby McCain has some kinda Napoleon Complex (except I bet Napoleon could at least cover the slant route).  Jarvis Landry celebrates like he thinks all of his touchdowns are game winners.  And they still wear aqua marine and orange!!  Nuff Sed!  Have fun in the 'burgh next week, assholes!  I'll be rooting for ya.  Mostly because the Stillers scare me and I don't wanna have to play them.

It's time for the MVP voters to make their selections.  No idea if Mr. Bundchen is gonna get it or should get it.  Mostly because it doesn't matter to me.  Listen Brady fans... we have spent the last two years telling everyone that we do not care what the rest of the country thinks of the GOAT.  So why do you care if he gets the MVP?  Is that what you need to validate your argument about him being the best?  Or can't you just be happy with the validation you find in his numbers?  28 touchdowns.  Only 2 picks.   He has thrown for just under 3600 yards while missing four games.  That is a mere hundred yards less than Dak Prescott who has played the whole season.  He has more touchdowns and less interceptions than Prescott.  Matt Ryan will probably get the MVP because his numbers per game are even a little bit better than Brady's and because he played 16 games and because he is not Tom Brady.  But whatever!  It's time to dance, ya pricks!

But first... a look at Floyd's howdoyado block of Tony Lippett.



Okay, Sir Shitsalot,....  cue up the Top Seed Week Off Stay Home Victory Dance!