Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Twofer Twosday: A Week Late Congratulating Kate Upton

Today in Nawlens, they are celebrating Mardi Gras, which is French for Fat Tuesday... the final day of drunken debauchery and gluttony before Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent.  Lent is that wonderful time of year whereas simply by passing on a steak dinner for 6 Fridays in a row forgives the Fat Tuesday bathroom handy you got from a voodoo queen named Marie.  Fat Tuesday is a show me your boobs while I swill a hand grenade and take a piss in the alley kind of party.  In other words... my kind of party.

We here at Shitz n Giggles are starting a grass roots movement to bring Fat Twosday into our work places...  so I encourage you to bring some beads to the office and let nature take its course.  Happy Mardi Gras, ya fuks!

But in the meantime, we do have business at hand.  I owed you all this particular celebration last week when the SI Swimsuit edition hit the stands.  But Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday always takes precedent.  So a week late, let's congratulate another Mount Rackmore legend for her zipper bustin' return to the cover of SI.  I learned this year that Kate Upton is a whiny bitch who doesn't like it when her boyfriend Justin Verlander is passed over for the Cy Young.  But then again, I don't talk with her very much, so I don't care how whiny she is.  Ya know... cuz of the bewbs!!   Throw this girl some beads fahchrissake!!

Ta hell with the cold... let 'em rip!

That's me congratulating her a few years ago for her last cover appearance.  

The greatest profile since the Lincoln penny.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Twofer Twosday: Happy Birthday JLH! And Mount Rackmore!

Here's to the twins that got this whole journey started way back when.  The Queen Mother of all First Ladies, she's like our Martha Washington, Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks and Loretta Lynn all rolled into one.  Jennifer Love Hewitt may not fill the same cuppage as a Sofia Vergara, Kate Upton or Christina Hendricks - she wears the smallest sweater of the four on our Mount Rackmore!... but gawdam they are perfect!!!   When I was in school, I mastered the art of turning a D- into a B+...   But JLH has reversed that and somehow she is able to make a C look like a couple Ds!!  She just seems to wear everything the right way.  Just ask Ellen.

Jennifer turns 38 today.  February 21st has become like Christmas here at SnG!  Hark the fukkin' herald angels sing, for unto us a queen was born in Waco, Texas and all was made good again.  Really good, I tell you.  In this story, tho, the three Wise Men brought 3 gifs....   thank you guys!


Oh lord.... seriously!

Let's go back a couple years to revisit the greatest talk show appearance in the history of television.

By the way, if you need a reminder of just who is on Mount Rackmore...

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Twofer Twosday: I Know... I'm Going Straight To Halle!!

For the record, the Grand Boobah of Shitz n' Giggles hereby declares that Halle Berry just may be the most beautiful woman in the world from forehead to chin!  And she ain't so bad from chin to belly button either.  She's got the kind of beauty you could take home to Momma, take out to a gala or take on a fishing trip and show all the fish how pretty your date is.  There really is very little argument here.  There may be some women who are her equal... but you'd be hard pressed to convince me there is anyone MORE beautiful.  Oh, and not to mention - #thoseboobstho!!!  Well then.

THESE are the kind of curling exercises I can get into.

That time when she got herself some pregnancy boobs!!!

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Twofer Twosday: OffTo Bollywood To Meet Asha

I don't even have an intro this morning because the only thing Wikipedia says about her is that she is known mostly for being the cousin of Manju Saini, whoever the fuk that is.  She is an actress.  She is from India.  Sometimes she dons a dot.  Sometimes she doesn't.  That's all I got except for, well,... you know... the two reasons she is here today.

Her name is Asha Saini.  Bollywood sure can keep secrets.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Soopah Bowl Recap: Roger That!

I was one of them.  And I wasn't alone.  Facebook, Twitter and Instagram were going full tilt with haters posting hilarious memes and fans posting gloom and doom.  But my wife...  at 28-3, she was saying to all of us Dougie Downers in the room, "We got this.  Lot of game left."  She was fukkin' crazy is all I knew.  I don't care how great TMFB is... climbing back while keeping the best offense in the NFL off the scoreboard was simply not possible.  OR WAS IT????

I didn't need this game to know that Tom Brady was/is the greatest quarterback to have EVER played the game.  Even with that, a 25 point gap was just too high to close.  OR WAS IT??

Psst... IT WASN'T!!

Two years ago, we thought we saw the greatest Super Bowl in NFL history.  We thought we saw the greatest 4th quarter by a quarterback.  We thought we saw the greatest play.  I keep Butler's interception as the greatest play ever in the Super Bowl.  But Brady made sure SB51 became the greatest Super Bowl in history.  He looked off in the first half, making bad decisions and missing his guys.  I was wondering if all of the emotion with his mother and with the "revenge tour" has finally gotten to him.  IT DIDN'T!

Atlanta was doing what the Giants did... pressure Tommy with 4 guys and cover man on the outside and it was working.  This alleged "weak" defense looked pretty fukkin' stout!  Could Dan Quinn be outcoaching The Hood?  In all, Brady was sacked 5 times.  Some fat dude named Grady Jarrett was gonna win the MVP if Atlanta held on to win.

But you saw what happened.  Brady stayed calm.  He kept everyone else calm.  And then he just went all TMFB on their asses.  When it was all over, Brady went 43 for 62 for 466 yards.  The Pats ran 88 offensive plays to Atlanta's 41!  No, Quinn did not outcoach The Hood.  Ya know how I know...  because as easy a time as Atlanta had running the football and as big a lead as they had, they only had 18 carries all game.  They only had 104 yards rushing and that includes Freeman's 37 yard gallop on their first snap of the game.  The Pats scored 31 unanswered points.

During the AFC Championship, it was Chris Hogan setting records.  Last night, it was James White.  THIS is what makes him the GOAT.  He doesn't care who the fuk gets the ball... as long as the right guy gets the ball.  Anyone predict James White would have 114 yards receiving, three touchdowns and a 2 point conversion?  I didn't.  He takes what you give him and he spits you out.

And THAT my friends leaves no doubt!  For anyone!  The Ginger Hammer got booed relentlessly.  Mrs. Brady made it down to the field for a big ol' kiss from her son.  Thanks for coming.  Parade is tomorrow!

Sunday, February 5, 2017

MessFest 2017: And I Will Bring You Beer

You shall cross the frozen ice pond,
but you shall not die of thirst
You shall try to find your warm friends
Though you do not know the way
You shall call a fukkin' taxi and to the Spoke you go.
You shall see the cleavage of God and drink!

Be not a dick
We'll go before you today
You follow us, and
She will give you beer!

We did it again... our annual traipse through the tulips of gluttony and sloth, aka MessFest, aka Cronin Weekend, aka Pond Hockey Classic ended without tragedy, unless you count the deer who lost a foot race to a hungry predator on the ice under the moon.  Some say it was a coyote, others say it was a bobcat.  I say it was the Killer Rabbit from the Holy Grail.  When the sun rose over the frozen tundra of Lake Winna Piss In My Sockies, there was nothin' left of Bambi except bones and fur!   LOOK AT THE BONES!!

I will once again change the names to protect the guilty because some of us muthafukkas have reps to protect.  There was me, Podunk.  I rode up with my brother Big Balls Buddah.  When we got there, Tiny was in the kitchen', in full Jackin' Coke swaydom, broilin' ribs and singing Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard.  A hundred beers deep, there was also Jimmy Weedbalm, Halfsack, Frogger, Tits McDoo, Cap'n Billy and Pot Pipe Pete, our token Democrat - he had the weekend off from marching.  A little later, Boner, Stoner, PJay and Dinkus arrived.  And soon after, Pauly Wingnut and Rapid Roy rounded off the Magnificent 14!!  Wait... that's 15.

I don't know where to begin...

Before me and Buddah even got there, we stopped by the Broken Spoke.  There, we met Bobby O'Neil, a Santa Claus lookin' muthafukka originally from Summahville, who proudly told us of his time in Okinawa as a Marine before coming home to open up two porno stores, one in Summahville and one in Mahlburo.  He apparently made enough money sellin' videos and dildos to buy 12 acres in Meredith and move up here some 20 years ago to farm chickens and work for the town.  Bobby's signature expression, by the way... Fuck me to tears!

This was the 15th annual Sloppy Bowl (as years go by, this muthafukka has had many names).  Literally a collection of mostly Irish pricks from Christian Hill in Lowell, although we often throw in a smatterin' of French and Portuguese because someone has to bring the big dicks.  Friday night, the bunch of us drank enough beer to leave Milwaukee dry for months.  Weedbalm had just come back from a trip to Vail, Colorado and pulled out his THC Lip Balm.  "Put a bunch on your lips and rub some on your temples," he says while stuffin' his gullet with a double stacked Ring Ding.  And by 3 am, Wingnut, Cap'n, Halfsack, Dinkus and me were wanderin' around the frozen lake looking at the stars like they were talkin' to us.  Serenaded to sleep by a cacophony of snores, day 1 was in the books.

Saturday is Mug Day!  After a breakfast of Twinkies and icewater while Caddyshack was on, we were off to The Mug for some lunch and bubble hockey.  However, this year a few of us also decided to spontaneously rewrite a few church songs because that's what we do..  Come follow me, and I will bring you beer!  So after harassing our wikkid sassy bartender Ashley for a couple of hours, it was off to watch some pond hockey... the Labatt Blue Pond Hockey Classic is 26 rinks in which you get to see teams like Shut Yer 5 Holes play against Tuukka Dump!


They sell beer.  There is live music.  And a shitload of people.  Three carloads left The Mug for Meredith Bay, but one car drove right the fuk by it.  Ya see, while the rest of the idiots chose to walk around freezin' their Irish asses off, me and Buddah went straight to the cozy stools at the Broken Spoke where we hung out with another sassified bartender, this one named Alicia.  Within 30 minutes, with Buddah controlling the jukebox and making friends with every fukkin' person in the place including the owners, Tiny was calling for us to come pick him up because he was fukkin' freezin.  He said the other guys did not want to leave because they had such a good parking spot.  Of course, we said no thanks.  But Tiny being the smart one called a cab and joined us in the happiness of shelter and booze with his little friend, Cleo Taurus.

Then it was Wingnut's turn to start calling looking for a ride out of pond hockey hell.  So being the good friends that we are, we said no and proceeded to send him pictures to rub it in that we were having much more fun than him.  We made a sign to Pauly that read "Fuck pond hockey!  It's much warmer here."  And then we got Alicia, Sweet Melissa and a bunch of other people to hold the sign so we could text Pauly pictures.

 CLOCKWISE:  Alicia, Dawn, Sweet Melissa and 
Random Guy in argyle sweater

Our jukebox buddies (Photobomb courtesy of Buddah)

We even ran into Matt Light and Joe Andruzzi
From the Spoke, we had to make a stop at The Looney Bin so some guys could buy sweatshirts.  It was there were we met Angie, who was wearing some kind of pelt on her head and told us all about her beaver that went to below her knees.  That's a mighty long beaver you have there, Angie!  Alas, we had to leave Angie and her long beaver behind for it was back to the house for the night... it was gonna be beers around the fire for the Magnificent 14 Tallywacker Choir's performance of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.  But not before a little round of Pizza Parlor Football.  Sorry Stoner.  But Wingnut did have perfect form.

So... we all survived, even the twin bunk beds.  Titsy McDoo did not fall down the stairs even once and we filled four garbage bags of beer cans.  Not bad for 48 hours.  Until next year.

Ribs....  perfect

Like I said.. I have a rep to protect

That was one hungry killer rabbit!!

Friday, February 3, 2017

Annual Pre-Soopah Bowl Dudes Weekend... Let the MessFest begin!

Gettin' my game face on for 48 hours of buddies and beers up at Captain Billy's house at the lake.  Crockpot Chili and Devil Dogs for dinner chasin' Budweiser appetizers cuz that's how a bunch of middle aged beer bellied New Englandahs roll!  Might watch some pond hockey.  Might overtake the music machine at The Looney Bin.  Might play another round of How Much Does Chisolm Weigh.  Might put Talladega Nights on a loop and play 45s until dawn.  One thing is a certainty... you won't wanna go in there!!!!

But before the weekend gets away from us, I want to put you in the right mood for the Super Bowl.  Punxatawney Phil saw his fukkin' shadow yesterday, which means 6 more weeks of Lizzie The Douche Warren yelling about The Donald.  So what better way to forget about the shit in the news and get your sportsgasm on than body paint!  GO PATS!!

Don't worry... I did not forget about you ladies or you Falcons fans.  Here's your body paint.