Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Twofer Wenzday: Lacey Chabert Must Have Pissed Off Hollywood

Mind fart yesterday.  Spent the morning editing pictures for a friend and totally fukkin' forgot it was Twosday.  Shirkin' my primary job duty, I failed you.  And for that, I am deeply sorry.  But I blame both sides.  Bigly!

Back to bidness this morning with Lacey Chabert, tho.  This one is ponderous to me and I can't make tits or ass out of it.  Lacey is a Grade A Prime Smoke!!  She has a JLH look about her, including her byoobs.  The former Party of Five and Mean Girls star, she was on the cover of Maxim back in 2007 and again in 2013.  Let's just say you don't get on the cover of Maxim if you are rockin' the Kathy Griffin ugly stick.  But here's the puzzle... besides Party of Five (ended when she was 18) and Mean Girls (when she was 22), Lacey can barely get an on-screen job.  She does fukkin' voice roles for cartoons like Hey Arnold, Wild Thornberrys and Family Guy.  I have no idea who in Hollywood she pissed off, but it's gotta be someone pretty powerful.  It's not like she has a face for radio.

But at least you can get your fill of Lacey here, in a medium that totally respects her for her wikkid hawtness!!!!   Nom nom nom.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

They Can't Win Every Season, So Why Not Root For Them To Lose This Year??

Just look at this asshole!
Yes, it is true.  I have willfully and woefully neglected my responsibilities in providing you with the greatest fukkin' sports coverage this side of the Hudson town line.  But the fecal downpour that has been flooding the Sawx locker room this season DEMANDS my attention.  It is hard to believe that the departure of one beloved Dominican slugger has allowed this year's edition of the Red Sox turn into the big bag of curdled moose shit that it has.

Effective today, I am just as happy rooting for the fukkin' Yankees or the fukkin' Bloo Jaize to take the Sox behind the wood shed and bloody their sensitive little asses with a thorny switch!  Fuk these little assholes.. and YES Dusty, this includes you, you little pussbag!  You are an embarassment to muddy chickens everywhere!

It was one thing to single out David Little Game Price as the bitch that he is.  But when he calls out Eckersley on the team plane for having the nerve to say "Yuck" about an Eduardo Rodriguez rehab start and then gets a fukkin' ovation from the rest of these bitches, it's time to turn my anger at the whole gawdam lot of them.  They all believe Price was "standing up for his teammate" and "willing to take the heat" except that is bullshit.  Price was peacocking.  For his precious little lemmings.  This is a guy who sits at 5-3 on the season and couldn't sniff a playoff win if it crawled up his nose and bit him on his brain.  But that is who you want for a leader?  Good for you.

This shitageddon really started to unravel when Pedroia separated himself from his team during the whole Manny Machado fiasco.  That only proved there is no fukkin' leader on this team.  No... I take that back.  It started to unravel the moment the Sox announced that the empty headed manager would return for another season after getting swept in the first round last October.

Since the All Star break and the Eckersley confrontation, they have been swinging bats like whisky dicks at closing time.  I could give a sack of soggy balls that they are in first place.  They will not be in first place soon enough.  And if they have chosen to look to Price as their leader, then they deserve the same fate that always lands on that sphincter suckin' chokecake...  a big fat Mama Cass when the pressure turns up.

Let's go Mariners!!

Monday, July 10, 2017

Officer Underwood - Always Stay Humble and Kind

When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind.

- lyrics by Lori McKenna, sung by Tim McGraw

I wanted to be a truck driver.  A big rig, cab over Pete with the reefer on kinda truck driver!  When I was 10, I got a CB radio and a beach towel with trucker terminology printed all over it - smokey, seat cover, bear in the air, 10-10 on the side Good Buddy.  Listened to Red Sovine, Dave Dudley and CW McCall.  Oh I was into it.  Then Star Wars came out and I think I wanted to be a pilot.  And then maybe an artist.  By college, I was gonna be a chemical engineer before I was gonna be an electrical engineer.  By the time I graduated, I had it figured out.  Or did I?  Maybe I wanna be a writer.  Or a photographer.  Oh dammmmmmm.  I'm so confused!!!

Most people I know have weaved a similar disjointed web of "what I wanna be when I grow up."  My son is not most people.  When Chris was in middle school, he wanted to be a police officer.  That has never changed.  Oh sure, he had a few months when he expected to play football at Michigan and get drafted by the Patriots.  But for as long as he could imagine a future, he wanted to be a police officer.

He entered college as a Criminal Justice major and left college 4 years later with a Criminal Justice degree.  Even before he graduated, he was taking police exams in towns around southern New Hampshire.  He learned very quickly that this is a very rigorous and competitive process.  Often times, a hundred candidates would test for one job.  So despite consistently having the highest scores in the written exams and physical agility tests, rejection became the norm.  Finding a letter in the mailbox from a police department became a downer.  Sometimes it was a who you know kind of decision.  Some times it was just that others interviewed better.

Most would have given up after the first 5 or 6 rejection letters.  But in no way was Chris letting go of his dream.  He would just keep trying.  This is who he is.  He is the guy who played freshman basketball in high school, but was cut from the team as a sophomore.  So he just tried out again as a junior and got cut.  And then he tried out again senior year.  Why would he keep trying when the odds were against him?  Because, as he would say, the odds were worse if he didn't try out at all.  So that's what he did.  He never made the varsity basketball team, but he didn't have to.  He just had to try. This is also the same kid who played football since he was seven years old.  The helmet bobbled around on his tiny head.  He was never really a star player, although he did have one Pop Warner season with 13 touchdowns as a wing back.  But he kept playing.  In high school, he hit the weight room.  He got faster and stronger.  He played varsity as a junior and started as a senior.  He added pounds of muscle and became a physical beast and won the football team's Iron Man contest his senior year.  He was gonna play football in college no matter what.  He tried to walk on at Westfield State his sophomore year.  He basically harassed the head coach with phone calls and emails until he got a meeting.  He was invited to work out, but there was no room on the team that fall for him.  Coach said to come back for spring workouts and we will see what we can do for next year.  So he stayed with it.  He impressed during spring workouts with his speed and strength.  Played some semi-pro football in the summer and returned to school his junior year where he made the team as a defensive back.  He didn't see much of the field.  But he was on the team.  Because that's what he said he would do.  When I say that rejection makes this guy stronger, that's an understatement.

Tonight, his perseverance once again has paid off.  Chris swore under oath, in front of plenty of family and friends, to serve and protect the community and is at last a full time police officer.  I was proud and honored to be asked to present him with his first badge.  Not only has this been his dream for a long time, but this is the job that makes perfect sense for who he is.  He has the perfect temperament in stressful situations and will be a very good cop.  In just over a year as a security officer at Lowell General Hospital, he has become a highly respected and important part of the emergency department because of how he assists with volatile situations and how he interacts with patients and staff.  They say he will be missed.

At the beginning, I quoted Tim McGraw's Humble and Kind because I truly believe that song defines my son.  There's another line in there that says,
"Don't expect a free ride from no one. Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why. Bitterness keeps you from flying, so always stay humble and kind." 
He could have been bitter toward the high school basketball coach, the college football coach or the entire application process of becoming a police officer.  Instead, he flew!!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Minnesota Man Distraught After Facebook Test Tells Him He Is Sister Christian!

A Minnesota man found out this week that he spent the last 35 years living a lie, and he is not sure what he should do about it.  After taking a test on Facebook, "Which 80's Power Ballad Are You?", Ben Swigginballs from Bigelow Falls learned that he was Sister Christian and the news is not sitting well with the 41 year-old bolt-maker and father of three.

We reached out to Swigginballs for comment and found him in his driveway sitting on the hood of his appliance yellow AMC Pacer wearing a Warrant concert tshirt.  "Yes, I'm disappointed.  I lived my whole life thinking I was Love Bites by Def Leppard," said Swigginballs, the dejection visible in his weary eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep.  "My wife is not talking to me; says she can't trust me anymore.  And my oldest son Rocky asked me if I was really his father."

This is not the first time Facebook has screwed over Swigginballs and he may be contemplating legal action.  "Just last year," he went on, "I typed 'AMEN' in the comment box under a picture of Jesus and guess what happened.  NOTHING!  That's what.  The picture said He would bless me.  He never fukkin' blessed me.  As a matter of fact, I took a line drive to the nuts later that night during a beer league softball game."

According to Swigginballs, he never received his free iPad for liking a picture of Steve Jobs in 2012 nor did he come into money after sharing a post about August having 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.  "Moneybags my ass!  That happens like every 6 years... not once every 863 years!!"

Swigginballs has vowed not to fall for any more Facebook shenanigans in the future.  "Now they have me adding and multiplying fukkin' cheeseburgers and fries.  And yesterday, I found four horses with three legs, but someone told me there were five.  I'm like what he fuk!!  But I did get 20 out of 20 correct in their Happy Days quiz.  And they said nobody could get even 5 right."


Do YOU suffer from Facebook Gullibility Disorder?  Do you like, share and tag with reckless abandon in the hopes of getting rich or bringing on world peace?  If you do, then read on. 


~You do not have a Disney doppelganger.  NOBODY DOES.~

~Taking a test DOES NOT make you a Dawson's Creek character, ~
(not even if it says you are Pacey Witter).

~Marty McFly did not travel to the future on this date~
(unless it's Oct 21, 2015)

~Jeesus it doesn't fukkin' matter what word you see first.~

~And it does not fukkin' matter how many triangles you see!~

~Liking a picture of a kid with cancer will not raise money.~

~Facebook will not be charging you to use it.~
(the Idiot Tax is still illegal)

~Microwaving your iPhone WILL NOT CHARGE IT~


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

John McEnroe Had Better Never Apologize!

Uptight snowflakes and sphincter sucking sissies are all up in jazz arms this week demanding that John McEnroe apologize to poor Serena Williams.  Why, you ask?  Well, during an interview on NPR this week, the big mean white haired old man called Serena the "greatest female player ever, no question."  Can you believe it???   This chauvinistic crab actually said that.  The NPR interviewer followed up by asking why he qualified the statement with the term "female."   HUH?  He called Serena a female???  Holy fuckmetotears!  The noive!

Here's the actual conversation in case you missed it:
GARCIA-NAVARRO: We're talking about male players, but there [are] of course wonderful female players. Let's talk about Serena Williams.   
MCENROE: Best female player ever — no question. 
GARCIA-NAVARRO: Some wouldn't qualify it; some would say she's the best player in the world. Why qualify it? 
MCENROE: Oh! Uh, she's not, you mean, the best player in the world, period? 
GARCIA-NAVARRO: Yeah, the best tennis player in the world. You know, why say female player?
MCENROE: Well, because if she was in, if she played the men's circuit, she'd be, like, 700 in the world. 
GARCIA-NAVARRO: You think so? 
MCENROE: Yeah. That doesn't mean I don't think Serena is an incredible player. I do, but the reality of what would happen would be I think something that perhaps it'd be a little higher, perhaps it'd be a little lower. And on a given day, Serena could beat some players. I believe because she's so incredibly strong mentally that she could overcome some situations where players would choke 'cause she's been in it so many times, so many situations at Wimbledon, the US Open, etc. But if she had to just play the circuit — the men's circuit — that would be an entirely different story.

So, what the Legion of Easily Offended are whining about is that McEnroe arbitrarily claimed that 699 men are better tennis players than Serena.  Seems like a big number.  BUT, in 1998, Serena lost to the 203rd ranked male player in the world in straight sets, 6-1, 6-2.

Then there was this quote from Serena herself in 2013 when on David Letterman:
“Actually it’s funny, because Andy Murray, he’s been joking about myself and him playing a match. I’m like, ‘Andy, seriously, are you kidding me?’ For me, mens’ tennis and womens’ tennis are completely, almost, two separate sports. If I were to play Andy Murray, I would lose 6-0, 6-0 in five to six minutes, maybe 10 minutes. No, it’s true. It’s a completely different sport. The men are a lot faster and they serve harder, they hit harder, it’s just a different game. I love to play women’s tennis. I only want to play girls, because I don’t want to be embarrassed. I would not do the tour, I would not do Billie Jean [King] any disservice. So Andy, stop it. I’m not going to let you kill me.”
But now Serena wants McEnroe to leave her out of his comments that are "not factually based" and to leave her alone while she's trying to have a baby.  Shut the fuk up!!  I do love that Good Morning America had McEnroe on yesterday morning after his comments and asked him if he would apologize for his comments.  He said, "Um, no."  

And why should he.  He was asked specifically about female players by that NPR asshole.  So when he includes the qualifier in his response, she then calls him on it?  Four years ago, Serena said the same friggin' thing.  So he exaggerated by using the hyperbole "700" - but the message is identical.  It's a different fukkin game!  There is a reason the men play best of 5 sets and women play best of 3.  I don't know the reason... but there is one.  I do know that the x chromosome and the y chromosome are different fukkin' chromosomes.  YOU KNOW THEY ARE!  EVERYONE KNOWS THEY ARE!  So cut the fukkin' shit.

John McEnroe said NOTHING wrong.   Neither did Serena in 2013.