Sunday, December 25, 2016

I Miss The Old Christmas And I Love The New Christmas!

It's just me, a cup of coffee and A Christmas Story this morning.  My beautiful bride of 25 years is still nestled upstairs all snug in her bed while I in my slippers sit here gazing at a lonely lit tree listening to Ralphie's father wield a tapestry of obscenities that is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan today.

Years ago, we could not see the bottom half of the tree on Christmas morning, thanks to the skyline of presents neatly stacked by Santa and his younger, drunker elves.  This morning, there are but a couple of stray presents leftover that were opened last night by our now grown children, along with four wrapped gifts that are destined for other homes later today.

This morning, as it has been the past few years, there were no excited, wondering eyes of a little girl waking up the tired, wondering eyes of her older brother while it was still dark outside.  There was no rush of two pajama clad kiddos to Mom and Dad's bed carrying their stockings full of loot that Santa left outside their bedroom doors.  Even after they learned the heartless truth that their parents lied to them about the man in the red suit, they would still come into our room every year, stir us from our long winter's nap just to open their stockings on our bed.

I miss that.  I miss seeing toys circled in the sales flyers.  I miss the frantic, dizzying but exciting trips to Toys R Us.  I miss buying presents that were so big that we had to hide them at the Robinson's house until Christmas Eve.  I miss building trampolines and bicycles and doll houses.  I miss watching them empty their stockings through sleepy, half mast eyes.  I miss going downstairs first to make the coffee and get the camera ready.  I miss staying home on Christmas Day, just the four of us, playing with new toys and video games, eating leftovers and running to 7-11 to buy the batteries we forgot.

We opened presents on Christmas Eve for the first time ever.  I did not like the idea, but our changing lives demanded it.  And it was actually okay.  No, it wasn't okay.  It was awesome.  After the company left, it was just the four of us.  Chris muddled himself an Old Fashioned.  Jess mixed herself a tall glass of something raspberry.  Kim had a glass of wine, and I a beer.  The stockings were stuffed and magically brought downstairs to the living room.  Then it was time to hand out the presents... they both got four this year:  Something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read.  It was simple, but perfect.  And yet, not everything changed.  For as long as I can remember, each year, Kim buys a game for the family to play.  This year was no different.  It's called Speak Out and it involves a contraption that contorts your mouth into ridiculousness.  If you haven't seen it, Google it.  Let's just say that the four of us have never laughed so hard together.  

So, while I do miss the excitement and tradition of having young ones at Christmas time, I could not be more blessed with the way that those years that have come before have shaped this year and the years to come.  Traditions will change.  It's unavoidable.  So be sure to take hold of that what is constant, the people in your life, and embrace the new traditions together!


The tired, wondering eyes of that little boy opened this morning and went off to work.  And when we see those eyes later today, we will have Christmas with him.  The excited, wondering eyes of that little girl are still closed this morning.  And when they open, we will have Christmas with her.  The ever so beautiful eyes of my still nestled bride will soon come downstairs and together we will have Christmas.  You see, traditions do not define Christmas.  Family defines Christmas.  And I love Christmas!!!

Friday, December 23, 2016

My Stolen Beernog Recipe



It's the fukkin' holidays ya pricks.  So here's a recipe you all can enjoy on Christmas Eve as you gather around the fire with your loved ones.  I call it Beernog.  And I stole it from Bubba J.  But I ain't tellin' him.  Fuk that dummy!

First, ya head over to Market Basket and get yourself a half gallon carton of Hood Eggnog and an 18 pack of Budweiser.  Once you get home, you open up the eggnog and dump that shit down the sink.  Then you drink a bunch of beers and open presents. 

Beernog!  You're Welcome.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Twelve Days of Christmas. Does Anyone Know When They Are?

Exactly when are the 12 days of Christmas anyway?  Are they the 12 days BEFORE Sweet Baby Jesus made his grand entrance into the world?  Or the 12 days after?  Does anyone even really fahkin' give a bag of camel poop about the 12 days except drummin' drummers and milkin' maids?

In my Bible readin' days, I used to know shit.  For example... snakes talk to women in gardens, fishermen wear robes and sandals, frankincense really is a thing, and a 600 year old man can convince two elephants to get on a boat.  If I may dazzle you with another little nugget of Biblical knowledge, the Epiphany falls exactly TWELVE DAYS after Jesus Harold was born unto Mary and the unsuspecting Joseph, who was still trying to figure out exactly how this happened.  If only there was a Maury Povich back then.

Stand back... here comes the lightning strike.
So... back to these 12 friggin' days....  My major issue with this song - the gifts suck.  Except the dancin' ladies, of course.

True love my ass!!!  Seven fucking swans a swimming???   Where the hell am I gonna keep seven swans?  I got rid of my pool last year, fahchrissake!  What happened honey?  Was the store all out of seven dogs a shitting???

Every year, this fukkin' song jumps into our lives.  It's usually at one of those torturous elementary school "Winter Concerts" that used to be called Christmas Concerts until school boards across the nation had their balls cut off by political correctness horseshit.  Some fukkin' Keith Lockhart wannabe music teacher with a fat ass and a bad suit lines up thirty 7 year olds in chocolate stained shirts and clip on ties, puts antlers on their heads and expects these cute little assholes to recite the lyrics when they haven't even learned how to say spaghetti yet.

Question:  Is the first gift the partridge or the pear tree or both.  Admit it... the only partridges you have ever seen were riding in a kaleidoscope bus, singing shitty songs.  (ADHD moment... wouldn't Reuben Kincaid and Alice from the Brady Bunch make a cute couple?)

So tell me, asshole true love of mine - what the hell am I going to do with one bird and a tree?  I don't even like pears, fahchrissake!  They give me the shits. What is with all the fucking birds you are giving out?  Seems like someone might have a fetish that they are keeping quiet.  Partridges, doves, hens, geese, swans...  SHEEEZ!!!   Ya know I'm just gonna set them sunzobitches free and go get a beer, right?

By the way, I'm operating under the premise that the true love in this fucking song is a chick.  Cuz there is no way any dude is going through the trouble of gift wrapping leaping lords or swimming swans.  On the sixth day, she gives the poor son of a bitch 6 geese a laying.... now, are these geese laying eggs or are they doing the haystack hump?  And on the 8th day, what does he get?  He gets 8 maids a milking.... great, eight chicks pulling on cow tits - just what a guy wants.  How about if she gave him 8 maids a milking 9 dancing ladies?  NOW WE ARE TALKING!!!! 

Dear True Love,

If you insist on buying me gifts for twelve days instead of that motorboat I have been asking for, I would like the following:

1st day:  Laurie Partridge under a pear tree with a come hither smile.
2nd day: Tickets to the Big House for the Michigan - OSU game next year.
3rd day:  Sofia Vergara.  PLEASE!
4th day:  A matte black 2016 Road Glide with 8 inch apes and a set of Rinehart Duals.  If ya have to ask, then you can go now.
5th day:  A fifth of Jack and some peace and quiet
6th day:  A lap dance from your hot friend from college.  You never should have introduced me.
7th day:  Airfare and tickets to a Jackson Taylor show in Texas.
8th day:  Sofia Vergara.  PRETTY PLEASE!
9th day:  9 ladies dancing to Motley Crue's Girls Girls Girls wearing nothing but glitter and plastic heels.
10th day:  More ladies dancing:  Gisele, Shakira and Jennifer Lopez, thank you.
11th day:  A 30 pack of PBRs and a plate of wings.  And some two ply toilet paper.
12th day:  One backrub with a happy ending for the Epiphany.  Come on, every Christmas story has a happy ending!!!

Monday, December 19, 2016

Pats Recrap: Defense Wins The Hat This Time

The Patriots chahtah flight from Denvah last night was delayed on the runway for two hours.  It wasn't because of weather, mechanical trouble or a drunk pilot.  The reason?  They couldn't find Malcolm Butlah.  That was until Matt Patricia, the rocket scientist that he is, figured it out and texted Emmanuel Sanders and asked him to check his jock strap.  Sure enough, Butlah was still in it.


JUST ANOTHER HAT FOR THE COLLECTION
The Pats wrapped up their 8th consecutive division championship last night and they did it with style.  Not only did they take the Mile High Monkey off their back, they swirlied that primate, stuck a deflated football up his ass and lopped off his balls and slapped Von Miller in the cheek with them.  Hashtag nutzonyerface asshole!!  Now gimme my hat and tshirt, bitch!

With the win, Hoodie Wan Kebelichik's squad secured another first round bye, the seventh season in a row they accomplished that feat, and remained lahge and in chahge for home field advantage through the playoffs.  Jeezus Christ... how do other cities do it?  We are so wikkid fahkin' spoiled in New England that had the Pats ended up hosting a first round playoff game, it would be considid their worst season in 8 yeeyahs.  Of course this kind of success is a given, what with such stah playahs like Logan Airport Ryan, Trey Flowizz and Kyle Van Who patrollin' the defense while TMFB is directin' the offense and signing slippahs like a boss!!

OUR GUYS ARE SMAHTAH THAN YOUR GUYS!
Yesterday was once again proof that to win in this league on a consistent basis, ya gotta be inconsistent.  Belichick, McDaniels and Patricia never run the same fahkin' game plan week to week.  Even when they plan to run the ball, they do it differently.  Against the Ravens top ranked run defense, they went LG Blount thunder against those big fukkers in the middle.  But against the Broncos weak run defense, they opted for the shiftiness of Little Dion up the middle, rendering Von Miller a spectatah.  Ya see... last year in the AFC Championship game, Brady was the leading rusher for the Pats with 13 yards.  In that game, he dropped back to pass 56 times and the Broncos got 17 QB hits on him.  Yesterday...  Brady only threw 31 times and was hit just 5 times.  Because the Pats coaching staff is way fahkin' smahtah than any other staff in the NFL.  That's just a fact, haters.  Live with it.

DEFENSE KILLIN' IT!
Even Gronkless, we knew the offense was still going to be elite.  But it's the defense that has stepped up it's game in a YOOOGE way the past four weeks.  The Rocket Scientist has his troops at the top of the league in points against, giving up just 16.6 points per game.  And regardless of the jiz that spews from the Felger and Mazzadouchebag radio show, points allowed per game is the ONLY defensive stat that matters.  Sure, they have the fourth best rush defense and just the 17th best pass defense.  But those stats are dictated by the game.  It is natural that the better teams give up more passing yards because their opponents are usually playing from behind and passing more.  Throw in the garbage yards while in prevent defense, it makes sense.  But as near as I can figure, the only defensive stat that leads to wins and losses is how many points you fukkin' give up.  And the Pats are the best at that.  Thus, the Pats have the best record in the league.  THAT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE!!

BYE BYE YIPS??
Oh, and the good news is that Gostkowski may have gotten over his yips.  He's made 16 of his last 17 field goals (was perfect yesterday) and has been perfect with extra points for 5 weeks.  Boy just might be saving his job here in the closing weeks.

It's Christmas time, ya pricks.  Time for a special yuletide victory dance...  everyone sing!

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Fahk The Ravens! It Was A Monday Night Patsgasm!!

Sorry I'm a day late and fistful of dollahs short, but I had two deadlines to meet yesterday...  Patriots recrap or my Twosday obligation to you loyal hahd ons who worship at the First Church of the Sacred Bosom.  Guess what I chose!


Anyhoo... we are humpin' back to Monday night's Patsgasm.  But before we get to the nut stomp, let's revisit the ESPN leadup to the game.  This was gonna be the game that was to expose the Pats as pansy beatin' frauds who have benefited from a schedule that is widely considered easier than a Kardashian at a rap concert.  They were not gonna be able to fahkin' run against the vaunted Ravens front line, so they would be forced to pass.  Gronkless, a hobbled Marty and now without Danny DLdola, TMFB would surely struggle in the passing game and spend his whole night running from the Terrell Ugly Tree Suggs and Elvis Has Left The Building Dumervil.  Not to mention....because of their recent past here, the Ravens are the only team that can waltz into the Razor unafraid.  Joe Flacco was on one of his torrid streaks and nobody is more dangerous than Joe Flacco when he's hot.  Except Tommy Muthafukkin Brady in December, ya assholes!!

More dangerous than the GOAT in December at home is the GOAT in December at home against a team he fukkin' hates!  If you needed any proof exactly how big this game was to Brady, go back and watch him tear into Lil Bro Julian for not finishing his route.  Watch him scream "LET'S GO" over and over again on the sidelines.  He wanted to beat Harbaugh and beat him badly.  He knows the Ravens and Harbaugh lit the fuse of Deflategate after their vaginas got all cramped up over eligible receivers not being eligible.  He knows Ugly Tree refuses to say his name.  And he knows the Ravens have beaten them twice in the playoffs.

So instead of the league's top rated defense dominating the game and circumcising the Pats offensive game plan, Brady and that increasingly stout offensive line torched the Purple Pussies for 500 yards.  Ugly Tree and Dumervil combined for TWO tackles.  Elvis really did leave the building.  How many times have we seen Hoodie's Pats completely neutralize the other team's best defensive players?  It's what they do.  All the time. Chris Hogan showed he was faster than at least three Ravens defensive backs.  And instead of Dangerous Joe Flacco, we saw the return of Joey Flaccid's noodle dick attack of 3 yard checkdowns to his running backs.

If I were in charge of game balls, I would give one to the bearded rocket scientist.  Matt Patricia designed a game plan that forced Flacco into making Kenneth fukkin' Dixon his primary target.  All night long, the Pats shifted pre-snap and kept switching up who would be rushing and who would be dropping into coverage.  Flacco was flustered to the point that he could only look 5 yards down field.  And the Ravens offensive line could never figure out who the fuk to block.  It is what led to Malcom Brown's safety in the first quarter.  Yes, you read it here first... it was the PATS defense that was better on Monday.  But then again, they didn't have to face a pissed off Brady.

Now for the downers... Cyrus Jones has 5 fumbles in 18 return attempts this season, losing three of them.  Belichick must like this kid because in no other world does Hoodie tolerate such poor ball protection without cutting bait.  How in the name of good sense does Jones continue getting opportunities?   The other downer....  Brady's interception.  That was a uniquely horrible decision by the GOAT.  Sure, he has had a few other endzone picks in his career.  Yes, he is human and can have the occasional shit his pants moment.  But I think you can count those moments on two hands.  And with over 8,000 passing attempts in his career, I'll take those odds any day.

Who wants to dance?

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Cleveland Fans Unite Against World Series Outcome!

Taking the lead from tantrumers in Portland and Chicago, fans of the Cleveland Indians have taken to the streets this weekend to voice their discontent with the results of the World Series.  It is well documented that sports fans of Cleveland had been mired in the throes of suckitude until last spring when the Cavaliers topped the NBA world for the first sports championship in the Mistake by the Lake since LBJ was President.  That Cav championship has vaulted the 216 into a delusional stream of superiority to the likes of which we have not seen since Hillary's pre-election campaign.


Organized tantrums have sprouted up in front of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, in Public Square and along West 11th Street in the Tremont neighborhood where Ralphie Parker first fired his Red Rider BB gun.  Loudmouth crybabies could be heard chanting over the barks of the Bumpus' dogs, "NOT MY CHAMPIONS" and "HEY, HO, THE CHICAGO CUBS HAVE GOT TO GO!"

Regardless of knowing the rules of the Series prior to playing, Indians fans are not happy that their team lost and they are now demanding that Major League Baseball change the outcome.  Petitions are circulating social media calling for a change to the century old rule that the first team to win 4 games wins the Series.  They claim it is not fair because even though the Cubs won 4 games, both teams scored 27 total runs in the seven games.  Indian fan Monty Thomas was one of the loudest tantrumers last night in Public Square.  Dressed in full Native American head dress and war paint and standing in front of the Key Tower sucking his thumb, Thomas demanded that the Cubs vacate their World Series trophy, "The Cubs are bad for baseball!  They were supposed to lose because they always lose.  We were supposed to win.  We were up 3 games to 1 after four games.  That should matter!"  Thomas further promised, "This fight is just beginning!  We will be out here every night breaking windows and kicking kittens until we get our way!"

Friday, November 11, 2016

Anti-Trump Tantrums, Popular Vote and Assorted Skullfukkery

It's been a few days now since the most divisive election in our nation's history, but there is still no sign of moving vans outside Whoopi's house.  Maybe she was just jackassing (i.e. lying).  Maybe when she said she would move to Canada, she did not mean "move move."

Anyhoo... the wake of Tuesday's historic upset has not yet settled and I have a big bag of leftovers that I gotta dump off my chest.  So buckle up, fuckleberries!

ahem..."PROTESTS"
The whiny little bitches who are unhappy with the election are organizing nightly tantrums in various cities around the country, Boston included.  As you know, their Democrat pubes are in a bunch because they believe one man with a fake tan and little hands is going to bring down centuries of rights and freedoms all by himself.  That he's going to open up concentration camps, close down abortion clinics and rekindle slavery.  They carry signs that say "Love Trumps Hate" and paint the target of their anger as a hate-filled human being.  And then they vandalize stores, throw rocks at police and cars driving by, block highways and set shit on fire because, in their words, "their vote was not respected."  I guess if we couldn't shatter the glass ceiling, we'll just shatter these windows.  Tell me again who is hate-filled.  BTW, not all Democrats are protesting.  The rest are snap-chatting crying videos, calling out sick or going to therapy.

Hate to tell you little brats that when you "protest" against things that do not go your way, you are not protesting.  You're throwing a tantrum.  You are that little snot-lipped brat in your fukkin' Power Ranger tshirt pounding on the floor in the checkout line because Mommy will not buy you a lollipop.  You are Veruca Salt who WANTS HER OOMPA LOOMPA NOW DADDY!!  You fukkin' idiots... you're vote was respected, there just wasn't enough of them (I'll get to the popular vote later, assholes).  Republicans were upset and angry four years ago.  But there were no violent protests.  There were no peaceful protests.  Ya know why?  Because defeat happens.


The behavior we have seen the last few nights is one major reason so many Americans voted for Trump....we are tired of this sense of entitlement that has taken this nation down to where it is today.  This idea that we deserve to get what we want, even if we do not work as hard as the other guy, is pathetic.  These protests are a direct result of society's mantra that everyone gets a trophy, that we are all winners.  When kids are protected from the pain of losing their whole lives, they act like this when they become adults.  They are incapable of understanding that others do not see things the same way as them.  And if someone does not agree with them, well then those people are obviously assholes deserving of disrespect.  Keep showing your colors, jackasses!  You keep making my point.

POPULAR VOTE
Squaw Running Mouth Warren has twice this week referred to Hillary winning the popular vote.  Groan.  Yes, Hillary had more total votes than The Donald.  More than 126 million votes were cast for President on Tuesday.  Clinton got 337,636 more total votes than Trump (a whopping difference of 0.2%).  So yes, she got more total votes.  But ya see, Lizzie, that's not how things work in America (being a native American, one would think you would know that).  Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution tells us that.  Of course, much like all the other jackasses, she does not care about the Constitution.

Ya see... the Founding Fathers knew then that if elected only by popular vote, the office of President would be controlled by small parts of the country with the most populous cities, ignoring the rest of the country.  And this is after all the UNITED States of America.  The Rust Belt has as much say in who becomes President as does New York City, Boston and Los Angeles.

On Thursday, Democrats around the country predictably started calling for the dismantlement of the Electoral College.  Ya know, cuz it didn't work in their favor and that's what they do on that side.. they stomp their feet and piss their pants.  They say that the total vote is what is important.  That's funny... this is the same collection of dimwits who use SUPERDELEGATES in their primaries.  I did not once hear Same Blazer Lizzie talk about popular vote while the Jackasses were pledging superdelegates to Shrillary despite the votes for Bernie.  Among several other states, Sanders won the popular vote in Michigan, Rhode Island, Wyoming, Indiana and Montana.  However, Hillary got more delegates than Sanders in all five of those states.  So tell me again Lizzie... how important is the popular vote?  It's okay... Thanksgiving is coming.  I will give you some maize and turkey if you promise to go away.

TRUMP VOTERS
Notice I did not title this "Trump Supporters"...  What is disturbing to me is that one of the points of contention over which  disgruntled Hillary voters are lamenting and expressing shock and dismay is that there are so many racists, sexists and homophobes in this country that voted for President.  Because in their narrow minded world, anyone who would vote for Trump must be just like him.  They must hate blacks, Mexicans, women, immigrants, disabled people and puppies, which in turn gives the tantrumers justifiable cause for hating all Trump voters and attacking them.  

I voted for Trump for two reasons... I voted for a change to the status quo and I voted against Hillary.  Obviously, half of this country despises Hillary as much or more than the other half despises Trump.  The difference, and the reason I believe he won, is that, while they were both horrendous candidates, at least Trump also represented change.  Hillary did not.  Along with being deplorable (oh yes I said that), she is also the same old same old machine that has been winning elections for decades.  And this country is tired of the same old same old.  

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

So... Remind Me Again... Who's Moving To Canada?

Last night was a LOUD STATEMENT that Americans are fed up and now completely DONE with career politicians who run party first, self second and country last.  4 and 8 years ago, Democrats reminded us that the "people have spoken" and that we have to "respect the office."  This morning, I remind them of the same sentiment.  Complain all you want.  Cry.  Protest.  Tip over cars and run over people.  Sink into depression.  Move to fukkin' Canada for all I care.  But every four years, one set of beliefs loses and the other set wins.  Contrary to what Bob Seger says, the losers are never beautiful (yes, I'm also talking about us Republicans and our vitriol over Obie's wins) and the winners suddenly believe in the "people have spoken" mantra (for four years anyway).

The DNC knew who would be their best candidate.  But then again, they knew Obamacare would save us money.  Their superdelegates fukked Bernie Sanders out of a nomination and ultimately fukked their party out of the Presidency.  


The message is very clear today.  For this country to select a seemingly divisive, harsh and petulant man with no political experience and a well reported history of obnoxious and crude behavior over a career politician, former Senator, former Secretary of State with a well documented history of corruption, backdoor deals and missteps in leadership tells ME that the vote was not necessarily for Trump, BUT FOR A CHANGE TO THE STATUS QUO - the status quo that rewards political machines with powerful positions.  I mean... what does it tell you about Hillary that Donald Trump is more likable than her? 

I am nervous about a Trump presidency.  But I am glad that this country finally told the powers that were that we are tired of our leaders choosing party over country.  If only I could have been a fly on the wall of Hillary's room to see that look of disbelief, shock and sadness overcome her fukkin' cockiness.  North Carolina?  Trump!  Florida?  Trump!  Wisconsin?  Trump too!  Ohio??  No, not Trump??  PENNSYLFUKKINVANIA???  Oh, it must have been glorious!   The FBI might have let you off the hook, but Americans did not.  Buh bye Hillary.   Buh bye Bill.  Get the hell out of my sight now, thank you very much.  

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Pats Recap: There's a Dildo On The Field!!


The big fat mouth that roared could only do a Tom Coughlin "I'm a little teapot" impression, complete with his pie hole agape wondering how in fuck he still gets a paycheck for sucking so bad at his job.  Do you remember when this lumpy bag of man tits took Mark Sanchez and the JETS to the AFC championship game two years in a row?  Apparently, that was what we call a mirajee!  Because Rex Ryan and his boxcar hopping hobo of a brother are a gawdam joke.  Rexy was all fukkin' giddy four weeks ago when he shut out an offense led by One Thumb Jacoby, talking about On To LA and joking about Belichick's temper with his tablet.  But Fatso was totally fukkin' befuddled today facing a full Patriots squad and a quarterback that ain't gonna fall for no pre-game banana in the tailpipe shenanigans.

Fuk you, Rex.  Oh hey... I think your wife, the one with the tasty feet, left her dildo on the three yard line.  You should get that and bring it home to her so she can entertain herself while you rub your Sanchez tattoo to sleep, you tool!!!


No surprise today... I mean, TMFB is now 26-3 against the only NFL team that has not made the playoffs in the 21st century.  Yes, the Bills suck that much.  The Browns.  The Jaguars.  The Titans... they have all at least made the playoffs once in the past 16 years.  Not the Bills.  Pretty sure there's a reason that there is no baseball team in Buffalo... has something to do with MLB's zero tolerance policy against rubber dicks being thrown on the field.

Mr. Bundchen is undefeated in October since 2014, with 34 touchdowns against 1 interception.  Ta hell with Reggie Jackson... Brady is the real Mr. October.  Today was a perfect example of our Johnnys and Joes being way the fuk better than your x's and o's.  Brady threw to 6 different receivers and touchdowns to 4 of them.  He didn't need a running game.  He just needed to be Brady.

Speaking of being Brady, in his four games back, he is 98 for 134 (73% completion percentage, tops in the NFL), 12 touchdowns and no picks and 1,319 yards.  That is a full regular season pace of 48 touchdowns, no picks and 5,200 yards.  And that's with footballs at 12.5 psi.  Just saying.  Brady is 18 and 5 since they started checking his footballs more closely.   He has 55 touchdowns against 11 picks.  It ain't fukkin' ball pressure.  But that's okay, Commish.. you worry about ball pressure and destroyed cell phones while all of these assholes beat their wives.

Back to the game... who the hell do you cover if you are playing these guys?  The first touchdown should remind the entire league that they are totally fucked.  Amendola had to have been the 4th or 5th option.  Gronk?  Covered.  Edelman?  Covered.  Bennett?  Covered.  Hogan?  Also covered.  Hey, look... there's Danny.  Ain't nobody covering him.  Thanks for coming.

My only issue today.... Nate Solder at left tackle was HORRENDOUS!!  I'm out..  let's dance bitches  - Ryan Brothers style!!  

 

Monday, October 24, 2016

Pats Recrap: Pats Go To The Mustard And Win

I'm supposed to be a Steeler fan.  And most of the time, I AM a yellow towel wavin' Franco Harris worshipin' Primanti Brothers sammitch eatin' disciple of the Rooney Trinity.  It is my birthright... I was born sahth of the city in Bethel Park (aka the Gateway to Upper St. Clair) and on every Sunday in the fall and winter, all of my daddy's side of the family gather at their own living room altars, resplendent in black and gold and adorned with Chuck Knoll bobbleheads, framed Immaculate Reception pictures and more gawdam yellow towels than you can stand.  I must admit, tho, that I've never seen any laminated copies of Ben Roethlisberger settlement documents from the Nevada Supreme Court.

My parents moved our asses to Massachusetts when I was just two, and I have been a Boston sports fan ever since.  The only black and gold that matters wears the spoked B.  I do love the Pirates.  I like the Steelers.  And I hate those whiny ass bitches wearing fukkin' penguins on their jerseys and pads in their panties.

Because both the Pats and the Stillers have taken up residence at the top of their divisions, they are always on each other's schedule, seemingly every friggin' year.  The games are strange for me.  Except for their coach and their sexually assaultive quarterback who does not know basic rules of football (yes, dope, the defensive line can shift during your cadence), I like all of the Steelers.  LeVeon Bell is a crazy good running back.  Antonio Brown IS the best wide receiver in the league.  Their offensive line is YOOGE!  They even have a tight end named Jesse James!!  DeAngelo Williams has fun trolling the Pats on deflated footballs, (see video here) but it's all fun and his very public fight against breast cancer makes him all good in my eyes.  So I like them.  But once a year for four hours, I friggin' hate them.


It looked early like it would be easy.  But then Bolden and Edleman both dropped sure first down passes.  Ryan Allen shanked a 25 yard punt.  Gostkowski missed ANOTHER extra point.  All of that breathed life into Steeler nation and gave them the impression that somehow Landry Jones was gonna put more points on the board than TMFB.  The dude with two last names did look good in the second quarter.  But by the second half, Matt Patricia's defense figured out how to confuse him into pocket catatonia.

Instead of dazzling you with brilliant analysis of the x's and o's at the Mustard Bowl (Heinz makes mustard too, you know) yesterday, I am going to make it so simple that even Big Ben could understand what happened yesterday.

The Patriots have better players and are the better team.  Plus, the Steelers have a bad case of Red Zone Whisky Dick.  The Steelers decided not to blitz yesterday.  Instead, they doubled up on the two headed tight end and opted to bleed a little bit in the run game.  So the Pats rode LG Blount like a fukkin' horse for 127 yards.  The Pats ran 29 running plays against 26 passing plays.  When was the last time you saw that from a Brady led squad?  Hell, Brady even ran for three first downs yesterday.  Tomlin acknowledged that his defense was committed to avoiding "explosion plays" and allow the short passes and quick tackles.  So the Pats just kept taking the short passes.  Until the Pittsburgh safeties got tired of not being involved and started to cheat the underneath routes.  TMFB knew that would happen eventually.  And when it did, he unleashed the Gronkasaurus on a seam route for a score and another out route that picked up 37 yards to the 5 yard line.  Steeler defensive coordinator Keith Butler was fingerpainting while Pats offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels was creating a fukkin' Michelangelo.

Tomlin gets credit for being a great coach.  I'm not sure why.  How many great coaches use TWO timeouts in the second half of a close game because the play clock was about to expire?  Pittsburgh could have used those timeouts later.  How many well coached teams run a two minute hurry up offense like they are in winter mud?  How many great coaches down by 11 with five minutes to go facing a 4th and 2 opt for a 54 yard field goal try when the kicker has never hit anything outside of 51 yards?  Tomlin's explanation post game was awesomely ponderous:  "We've seen him hit a kick from that distance and from that exact spot when we were TRYING HIM OUT last year."  Sorry Pittsburghers... but that's your coach justifying his decision on the fact that the guy did pretty good on an empty field during practice last year.  

Couple of weird things from yesterday's game:  Not sure how often this happens, but there were NO SACKS from either team yesterday.  Also... Gronk scored the 68th touchdown of his career, tying him with Stanley Steamer Morgan for most touchdowns in Patriots history.  Gronk needed just 85 games to reach that mark compared to 186 games for Morgan.   HOLY SHIT!!  Seven games into the season, Patriot quarterbacks have not thrown a single interception.  Probably just whammied them.  But still... pretty impressive.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Pats Recap: Cincinnati is WKRAP!!


TMFB, Hightower and Gronk
Doin' The Cincy Nut Stomp

Threw on my slippers, gave my balls a healthy scratch and grabbed my coffee (I washed my hands) for a Monday morning stroll through the jagged minds of Bengals fans this morning to get the real story as to why the Bengals lost to the Patriots yesterday at the Razor.  According to various Bengals websites and news stories, the source of the Bengals defeat was obvious.  While you might think it was because the Pats had TMFB and the Two Headed Tight End, or that the New England coaching staff was able to make in-game adjustments to get their receivers open or that Officer Hightower single handedly beat the fukkin' boogers out of those idiots in orange stripes, you be wrong good sirs.  What you may not have noticed, and what only the trained eyes of the football experts at WKRP could see, was that the officials lost the game for Cincy.  I know, the Pats had more penalty yardage and that they got all of the unsportsmanlike conduct flags.  But we missed the obvious... that the league used corrupt officiating  to carefully orchestrate a Patriots victory because they did not want to spoil Tom Brady's homecoming.  Yep... the same league that spent two years twisting Brady's pubes into knots, trying to destroy his legacy over maybe being aware of unproven shenanigans, the same league that insisted on a four game suspension for air pressure and failure to cooperate while giving out three game suspensions to players for intentionally trying to injure (Google Vontaze Burfict - we will get to him later), wanted to make sure Tommy Boy had a good day so that his fans could go home happy.  This is what they are saying this morning in Cincinotgood!

Jeezus it must suck to live in Cincinnati if that's all they've got.  0-7 in the playoffs under Marvin Rooney Rule Lewis and a team of cheapshot artists.   This is a city whose biggest claim to sports fame after the Big Red Machine is the amusement park relay race to get Mike Brady's plans to the meeting before he lost the job.  Seriously, what the fuk DO they have in Cincy?  The Red Legs?  Bearcats?  Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap?  Loni Anderson's air conditioned nipples not withstanding, that down sucks!  Damn,... they don't even have a decent rock band that has come out of that shithole, except of course the legendary Isley Brothers, Foxy Shazam and The Ass Ponys.

It's always cold in Cincinnati...
Yesterday's game was yet another one of those "Relax, the coaches are gonna fix this shit and we're still gonna win by 20" games.  Time and time again, another team shows up and introduces an unexpected wrinkle that baffles the Pats for a quarter or sometimes two quarters (see Dallas game last year).  We all get pissy about how the game is turning before we are eventually reminded once again that it only takes a few series before Matt Patricia, Josh McDaniels and Hoodie take a wrench to the plan and win going away.

For most of the first half yesterday, the Bengals defense covered Brady's receivers and he spent most of the time looking for someone to be open.  Dan Fouts and Ian Eagle kept yappin' about the pressure of the Bengals' defensive line when it had nothing to do with pressure.  As a matter of fact, did you hear Geno Atkins' name at all yesterday?  Carlos Dunlap?  3 tackles between the two of them.  That's because Belichick takes away your best and you have to beat him with the rest.  And when the rest is Burfict, Jones and Williams, you gonna suck!  Brady had a lot of time in the pocket actually, but nobody could get open.  Then McDaniels waved his Potter wand at the 2 minute warning and HERE COMES THE BOOM!!  It was a blowout after that.

The Pats also adjusted on defense.  Carrot Top was able to move down the field with relative ease in the first half.  So the Pats went to three corners (with a guy named Eric Rowe on A.J. Green??) and turned Dont'a Hightower loose!  The result:  Hightower had 13 tackles, 1.5 sacks and a safety while the Bengals scored just three points and tallied just 71 yards over the final 26 minutes of the game.

Now... for the story of the game:  Gronk went fukkin' nuts catching the ball (162 yards kinda nuts) and then went fukkin' more nuts in the faces of the chippy, dirty Bengals.  Disappointingly, he got himself a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty, which he deserved, when he just could not stop taunting.  It was an unusual lack of poise for him and something for which he took 100% responsibility after the game.  And in perfect Gronk style, he turned back into who we love, even more so.  Pacman Jones tried baiting him two plays later into another penalty (he would have been ejected) and Gronk just laughed.  When Blount scored the final TD with under a minute to play, Gronk's little disco butt wiggle over the pile was comical at best.  When asked about it, he said he was just trying to be happy and avoid another flag.

It is no coincidence that the game turned south after repeat offender Vontaze Burfict intentionally dove into the back of Marty Bennett's knee away from the play.  It was a hit that could have had season ending consequences and it may have been one of the dirtiest hits in the league this year.  Of course, Fouts felt Burfict was just losing his balance and fell into Bennett's knee accidentally.  Because Fouts is a fukkin' moron.

Losing his balance???  I think not!
If the league does not look at this and take action on this fukkin' asshole, then any shred of credibility (as if there is any) is gone.  Suspend guys for a full season for smoking marijuana.  Suspend them for four games for PED use (or possibly deflating footballs).  So if Burfict (who has already been suspended for three games this year for repeated violations of safety rules) is not suspended for at least 4 games going forward, FUK GOODELL!!!  

SO LET'S FAHKIN' DANCE YA PRICKS!!!

Friday, October 7, 2016

We Need Better Clown Control Laws!

This country is in crisis.  I'm not talking about that fukkin' windbag Matthew bringing his Category 4 Blowjob to the third world state of Eff Ell Ay.  Nor am I talking about the Presidential election that is sure to kick the country in the collective man berries regardless of which deplorable wins.

Since the beginning of October, we have been riddled with stories of college campuses on lockdown, children being lured into the woods, and Bill Clinton talking about Obamacare.  I am talking about Radical Extreme Clownism!  These relentless muthafukkas are just walking into Halloween stores and purchasing their weapons of terrorism without so much as a background check or a waiting period.  I have seen children as young as 8 years old, following the teachings of their Clownist parents, walk into iParty at the local strip mall and get themselves a big red nose, white face paint and some big fukkin' blue shoes so that they can go home and make a sign on poster board that says "Free Hugs" and set their terror plan in motion.  In South Carolina, one clown, clad in a green, yellow and blue checkered one piece with a frilly white neck collar, brazenly waved his squeaky horn in the bread aisle at the Piggly Wiggly, tormenting customers until a security guard knocked him unconscious with a mop bucket.


We should have seen the Clownist explosion coming.  Costume stores started popping up like mosques all around the country in early September.  You cannot go to a Papa Ginos or a SuperCuts without walking past a Clownist House of Worship these days.

It's time to start profiling clowns.  I don't give a fuk if it's that lovable Ronald McDonald or Twisty the Clown from American Horror Story.  We must treat all clowns as if they want to scare us.  Bozo?  Fuk that asshole!  And Pennywise - that sunuvabitch took Georgie.  I know he did.

OR.....

How about this?  How about all you scaredy-cats who pucker up in the poop hoop at the sight of a clown carrying balloons, get fukkin' tough!  This crisis is your fault.  It's a friggin' CLOWN fahchrissake!!!!  It's not like he's a Democrat wearing a Hillary pin, which honestly makes me poop a little!!!  See this guy above... he will likely be arrested for this.  But what law has he broken?  As far as I know, it's not illegal to make someone piss their pants and run away like a 1940s Frenchman.  We all know that clowns are notorious for ignoring seat belt laws in little cars.  But other than that... you got nothing. You guys are taking all of the fun out of this.  Hell, the FBI might pay me a visit for posting a picture of Twisty.

Listen.... clowns are not scary.  Instead, they are awesome!  And I have proof!!!



Friday, September 23, 2016

Pats Recrap: Belichick to start Jake from State Farm against the Bills


There is no truth to the rumor that Roger Goodell has deployed Ted Wells to investigate the presence of cheating, nefarious shenanigans and altogether suspiciousness in the Patriots organization after a 3-0 start with puzzle pieces at quarterback.  I mean... they're cheating, right?  

While the rest of the NFL is losing their proverbial shit this morning because they cannot even beat the Pats when they start a 3rd string rookie at quarterback, Hoodie Wan Kabelichick is waking up to announce that next Sunday's starting quarterback will be Jake from State Farm.  And it seems there is nothing Sexy Rexy or the Ginger Hammer will be able to do about it.

Seriously... Patriot Haters have been waiting for these four games for almost two years.  They were licking their chops and fluffin' their sports boners at the idea of New England returning to mediocrity, or even better, to total suckness.  Au contrair, mon assholes!  Instead, the Pats have improved their record to 14 wins against just 5 losses in the Matt Cassell-Jimmy G-Jacoby Brisset era.  

Hell, Belichick was more giddy than a fat kid in a fudge factory last night.  And why shouldn't he be?  He is thumbing his nose and waving his old man balls at the world; and having a fukkin' party doing it.  What?  Go into a game with a wide receiver as the backup quarterback?  Fuk yeah, I'm doing that.  Huh?  Run a tight end reverse?  Fuk yeah, I'm doing that too.  Install read option for the first time in my career?  Aw what the hell!  Let's do that too!!  

Last night was not about the quarterback or the players like Hoodie said at the podium.  Although it was kinda about Jamie Collins.  BEAST!!  Nope, it was about the coaches.  Many Patriot fans acknowledged before the game that JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney would wreak havoc on a suspect Patriot offensive line and likely make Jacoby's night miserable.  Instead, Josh McDaniels game plan attacked the line and in the end, Watt and Clowney were less useful than whisky dick in a cold pool.  They finished with just two tackles each and no sacks.  We saw a couple of option runs from the quarterback and an end around with 275 pound tight end Marty Imagination Agency Bennett.  You run end arounds with Mini Coopers and Ferraris.  You don't run them with ice cream trucks!  Unless you're the Patriots and love saying GO FUK YOURSELF to the rest of the football world!


Defensively, Matt Patricia rallied his troops after a shitty second half against Miami to nut up and play.  They held the Texans to just 284 yards for the game.  That's the same number of yards Jimmy G racked up in the air in a quarter and a half last week.  

It was about wizadry on the Patriots sidelines and total fukkin' buffoonery on the Houston sidelines.  Yes, even with all of those names from the Belichick tree on the visitor's side, complete idiocy reigned supreme.  Billy O'B was so twisted in knots by his master that he found himself calling timeouts at the end of the half even though he could not get the ball back.  He was running off-tackle on 3rd and 8 and calling 30 yard deep passes on 4th and 2.  The return man was fair catching punts inside the 10.  How the fuk did they get to be 2-0 coming into the game?  What sorry ass teams did they play?

Did you all see the stat they showed at halftime last night?  When leading at halftime at Foxboro, during the Belichick/Brady era, the Patriots were 76-0!!  FUKKIN SEVENTY SIX AND OH when leading at halftime.  That's reegawdamdiculous!!  Oh, they are now 77-0 after last night.

The Didyaknow Division has a question for all y'all:  Did ya know that LeGarrette Blount has the second highest yards per carry in Patriots history (minimum 400 carries)?  Yep... history!  Better than Curtis Martin, Tony Collins, Corey Dillon and Sam Cunningham.  Ya know who has the best yards/carry average in that category?   STEVE FUKKIN GROGAN!!!

The theme of the Patriots season thus far has been "Fuk Trends!  We're Doing It Our Way!"  So, in honor of winning with a third string quarterback, we are scrapping the usual victory dance and going with our third string dancer!  Hello Mr. Jefferson!!!

Monday, September 12, 2016

Recappin' The Patsies: Aladdin At Home In The Desert


Yes Jimmy Gee, it always happens like this.  Before you even lace up your cleats, you are in first place in the AFC East because the other three division foes piss down their legs.  And four hours later, an Arizona kicker named Chandler will go all shankapotumus with the game on the line.  Boom, you're one up in the loss column and t-minus 3 to Brady.  And yes, Jimmy Gee, that little fukkin' #11 sure is fun to have on your team, ain't he??  And who knew Marty went to the Imagination Agency?

Much of Pats Nation was all ready to excuse this game away, to put it in the loss column and write it off to no Gronk, no Brady, no offensive line, no home field, no Nink, too much Goodell, whatever.  Hell, they were NINE AND A HALF POINT underdogs.  I don't think they have been that big a dog since Hugh Millen was stuffin' his hands under center.  Put me in that group - I didn't think the offense could hold up against that defense.  They didn't look great, nor would they.  BUT, they looked better than most people thought.  Every television analyst with a microphone and a left-over Manning boner picked the Cardinals.

After the first two Patriots drives, it appeared that perhaps Tommy Mutha Fukkin Brady hired a makeup artist and tossed on a number 10 jersey.  Aladdin Gee was slicing the Arizona defense with quick reads and a shit load of Edelman first downs ala vintage TMFB.  So, Honey Badger over adjusted and gave safety help for Edleman, leaving a rooking covering Chris Hogan 1 on 1.  And we saw what happened there.  Joshy McDannyboy made the Cardinals his bitch for one play.

The problem, however, became obvious fairly soon thereafter.  The Cardinals upped the pressure, defended the out routes (Jimmy's first option many times) and bull rushed the line.  This offensive line made up of guys like Andrews, Karras and Jackson is simply not very good.  But they've never been very good.  It's just that the GOAT's quick release has rendered the line's ineptness as meaningless.  Jimmy Gee was okay, but will have three more games to get better at it.  I think he will.

The other key to the Pats offense was that they just refused to throw in Patrick Peterson's direction.  Edelman was targeted 7 times and made 7 catches.  5 of those catches came before the Cards decided to put Peterson on #11.  Peterson only had 4 tackles and ZERO passes defended.  That's how the Pats roll... take away the best player on defense and beat 'em 10 on 10.

My other takeaway from last night is sadly that the defense was not as good as everyone has been telling us.  David Johnson was a beast and all the while Collinsworth praised the "big hammer linebackers" Collins and Hightower, they combined for just 5 tackles while Johnson was running mostly downhill.  The Butler was flat out toasted by Michael Floyd in the first quarter - he cannot let that happen.  Logan Ryan played very well, I thought.  Patrick Chung and Jabaal Sheard combined to look like Pop Warner minimum play tacklers on a screen pass to Johnson, both completely whiffing in the open field while allowing a 26 yard gain.

But hey... this is house money now for the young quarterback.  This was one they were not supposed to win.  But they won.  And because they won, we get to dance.  I've added a little bit to the victory dance as you will see.  That's because Gisele doing the Rio Strut is my new favorite thing to watch.  And, according to Mike Damone, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Uh Oh.. He's Blaspheming Again. Teresa Is A Saint.

A warning to my Catholic readers... you should probably click the Back button and GTFO now, because I am saddling up the Blasphemy Express and calling all sorts of shenanigans over there in Vatican City.

Now, I love me some Pope Frankie.  I really do.  I mean, that sumbitch is so down to earth, I feel like I could throw back a few beers on a college football Saturday and rip hot wing farts with the Holy Father.  Although he's probably a Notre Dame fan, right?  That's okay... we all have our faults.  And I'm one forgiving prick anyway.

I helped the United States beat the Russians in 1980.  Yeah, that's it.
But there is chicanery afoot in the Sainting business these days.  I remember the good ol' days when in order to be a Saint, ya had to either fish with Jesus or suck at football.  And ya had to wait a thousand friggin' years before they could even start the process.  Not anymore... 

Mother Teresa was canonized this weekend.  Pope Francis made if official and the little nun that could is now Saint Teresa of Calcutta.  The Official Book of Sainting states that the process of becoming a saint cannot begin until at least 5 years after a person's death.  But the Vatican waived that rule for Teresa.  Ya know, cuz Catholic rules are merely suggestions.

The other rule is that a person has to have performed a miracle after their death, showing they are in heaven and have the power of intercession.  In 1998, a woman in India claimed she stopped by a photo of Mother Teresa, passed out and was instantly relieved of her cancerous tumor, which doctors say was actually an ovarian cyst that was cured though medical treatment.

When Pope Francis needed a second miracle in order to beatify Teresa, he really went digging.  A Brazilian engineer who had 8 brain tumors prayed with his wife to Teresa.  He was suddenly healed AFTER being rushed into intensive care surgery.  But Vatican doctors claim the healing was medically inexplicable and had nothing to do with the surgery.  So much for their faith in Brazilian surgeons.

I mean shit... shouldn't the doctors at Dana Farber just give up the research and start running around with pictures of Mother Teresa?  Chick is a helluva healer!!!

Sorry if this offends you.  But you might want to research a little bit more on Mother Teresa instead of just what they tell you in Rome.  Check out how much money she raised and kept in bank accounts instead of using it to pay for better medical care for the poor and frail.  Look into the ineptness of the medical care by her sisters of charity, the reusing of syringes, the unhygienic conditions while she was flying around in a personal plane to meet Presidents and Prime Ministers.  But they wanted a modern saint.  So they got one.  And pilgrims are thrilled.  Whatever.

Pats Preview: Come On Week 5!!!!!

Hey churchgoers and heathens alike... put yer Sunday pants on and do your friggin' thing.  Whether you're thing is munchin' wafers n' sippin' wine with Father Flanagan and the Bingo crowd or scratchin' yer nuts and pickin' yer nose with the Sports Reporters, ya gotta love Sundays in September.  A morning chill and a hot cup of coffee does the mind good and the soul bettah.

It's just a week from the start of the Pats season and we haven't done a fukkin' sports column at this monkey shit outfit since Steven Gostkowski missed the clutch pedal and pushed a first quarter extra point wide in Denver back in January, allowing Human Growth Forehead a trip to the Super Bowl.  But a lot of shit has passed through the tin horn since then.  The Pats had Pot Roast.  Then they didn't.  Edelman reinjured his foot.  Then he didn't.  Dion Lewis recovered from his surgery.  Then he didn't.  Nate Washington and Donald Brown were this year's Tory Holt and Joey Galloway - they were here.  Then they weren't.  But Gronk just kept on Gronking and Gisele kept on Giseleing... I know she doesn't play.  But did you see that strut in Rio???  Worth a victory dance just for that.


Obviously, tho, the biggest pile of offseason flotsam continued to be deflated footballs.  TMFB lost, then won, then lost again to the Commish and now he will be couching it for the first four weeks of the season while Aladdin G will be stuffin' his hands under center trying to figure out hot reads and sitting safeties all the while feeling Jacoby Brisset tuggin' at his nut hairs hoping for an injury.  Come on Week 5!!!  Sorry Cleveland.  But at least you had a parade this year.


Once the GOAT returns, we are looking at one of the strongest all around Patriots team we have seen in years.  The offense speaks for itself, assuming good health (and offensive line stability).  Gronkageddon and Edelman will never ever be coverable.  That's a word.  Shut up.  LaGarette Blount has thinned down and is fukkin' HURDLING dudes in the pre-season.  Malcom Mitchell may or may not be the real deal - he looked it in the first half of the first pre-season game - but we will find out soon enough because Aaron Dropsome has been sent packing.  If nothing else, Mitchell has fukkin' Gumby arms.  Ain't nobody's elbow should bend like that without the arm coming off.  But if he can get downfield outside the numbers, opposing defenses may have some serious problems.  

The offensive line has me shittin' Cocoa Puffs on the reg, tho.  Brady's quick release has always compensated for the swinging gate style of blocking by the rotating right side.  But that doesn't help on the road (i.e. in DENVER).  If we are going to be looking at Cameron Fleming and Marcus Cannon for a whole season, there are not enough Dante Scarnecchias on this planet to make me feel good about that shitshow.  

But it's the defense that will be the story this year.  Hightower and Collins are another year better.  No idea if Barkevius Mingo can play as well against starters as he did against third stringers in New York Thursday night.  But I will be happy to find out. The addition of Chris Long on the edge along with the evolution of Malcom Brown and the coming of age of Anthony Johnson in the interior has the defensive front looking stout.  Those two along with mammoth Vincent Valentine are the likely reasons Hoodie told Pot Roast to take a hike.  Now... if Logan Ryan can step the fuk up and make plays, McCourty and Chung will be free to play strong and shut down offenses.  

In a week, they will be in Arizona.  Facing Honey Badger and Chandler Synthetic Jones.  Here we go, boys!!!!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Colin Kaepernick Is Not Socially Conscious, He's Horny.

Colin Slapperdick has decided that he will not stand for the national anthem because he refuses to pay tribute to a flag of a country that oppresses black people.  Yes, the flag and the Constitution affords him the right to stick up his kinda beige middle finger at the country in which he lives.  I hate that he does it.  But I acknowledge his right to do it.  And before you try getting all over my ass about his right to protest, remember I have the same fukkin' rights!!  So if I want to call him a good for nothing, opportunistic hypocrite and a socially ignorant fuckstorm, I will.


Back when this stack of dicks was the Niners' starting quarterback, leading his team to the Super Bowl, all was good in his little white world.  A free college education and a $114,000,000 contract.  Guess that was his white half getting the goods.  In September of 2014, the mixed race quarterback (I guess douchebag is a new race) was fined $11,000 for calling Lamaar Houston of the Chicago Bears a nigger after Houston sarcastically complimented an interception Kaepernick had just thrown.  As recently as last season, we never heard a peep from Kaepernick about oppression, even amidst the Ferguson, Missouri and Baltimore fallout and the launch of Black Lives Matter movement.  But suddenly, this season, he's gonna get up on a social soap box on behalf of all those oppressed?  While wearing a Fidel Castro t-shirt and a Malcom X hat.

His protest has NOTHING to do with his true beliefs, for his true beliefs are that he loves money and Egyptian poontang.  I don't have to be a fukkin' mind reader to know that.  Here are some other facts:  He is about to lose his job to a white quarterback, a decision that will be made by a coach who has been accused in the past of not liking black players.  I guess it was just a matter of time for his black half to be oppressed.

But perhaps even more relevant to his sudden change in social attitudes is the fact that he started dating an Egyptian DJ who is also a well known Muslim and Black Lives Matter activist.  Behold the Power of the Cooch, my friends.  What's that honey?  You want me to do what?  Okay.  Prepare for Colin Kaepernick to soon change his name to Hamad Al Faroof Bin Suckin or some shit like that.  The dude is being radicalized in front of our very eyes.  You heard it here first.

If this asshole was even the smallest bit serious about his protest, he would also stop paying tribute to the money that he makes in this oppressive nation.  Until he gives that up, his protest is just grandstanding so he can get a little poontang.  And if he were anywhere near maturity, he would not be wearing socks to practice with cartoon pigs wearing police hats.  Little bitch!



Sunday, August 21, 2016

Hillary Clinton and Brian Williams Witnessed The Lochte Robbery

Count Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton as being in the camp of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte.  Speaking in front of supporters during a Nubbins Now fundraising event in Lick Skillet, Tennessee, raising awareness for men with three nipples, Clinton not only defended Lochte's story of being robbed at gun point, she confessed that she was actually there during the crime.

"What you do not know is that we were in Rio for a short visit to congratulate Ibtihaj Muhammed on her fabulous hijab.  The trip was kept secret because that's what I do.  I keep secrets," Clinton said during her opening remarks in front of hundreds of triple nipples.  

"One of my Secret Service agents had sampled a little too much feijoada and we needed to pull into a gas station so he could download a brownload, if you know what I mean," she snorted.  "He went into the mens room and locked the door, which pissed off this tall guy with blue hair.  While waiting, I went into the store to get myself a bag of Funyuns and a Dr. Pepper.  I was surprised to see Brian Williams waiting in line holding a bag of ice.  Brian and I were just chatting it up, mostly reliving our days on the war front in the Middle East, when a gang of hoodlums wearing police officer uniforms and Donald Trump masks stormed in shooting up the ceiling and looking for swimmers.  One of the men pointed his Uzi directly at me and was going to pull the trigger until the blue haired guy caught his attention.  It was Ryan Lochte.  The gunman chased the swimmer into the parking lot.  Brian and I followed them outside.  While Brian was tackling one of the bad guys, I judo-chopped this big sunuvabitch and he dropped his weapon.  I picked it up and threw it in the dumpster because I'm all about getting guns off the streets, you know.  It was at that time when my Secret Service agent came out of the restroom 10 pounds lighter.  We hopped into our limo and sped off to the airport under a hail of bullets and Portuguese profanity."


This reporter asked Mrs. Clinton why her version of events does not match what was on the surveillance video.  "The Republicans edited that video as part of a vast right wing conspiracy to make me look like a liar and a crook," Clinton resonded, "They only wish they can eat Funyuns and look this great!"  

I tried to reach Brian Williams for comment, but the greeting on his voice mail said he was out on the Bering Sea catching bairdi crab with Captain Hillstrand.  

*Disclaimer:  Much like every story Hillary tells, this story is completely false.  Just an amateurish attempt at parody.  You can't sue me, so you might as well eat me.    Sincerely, The Editah

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Hate The Choices? Forget The Presidency, It's About The Supreme Court!

Instead of making an ass out of just myself today, I think I will make an ass out of you and me together.  I assume that this election has got your innards twisted into a gawdam knot and you wanna puke at the thought of making either choice.  Except you dyed in the wool Trumpkins and Fans of Killary, of course.  Trump is a political nightmare.  Says the wrong things at the wrong times.  Is a narcissist, petulant child.  He knows less about foreign policy and government than a fukkin' baby sloth.  Has small hands and a hot, stupid wife.

Shrillary is plain and simply a despicable ogre without a shred of fukkin' dignity, who will do whatever the fuk she can inside and outside of the law to get power.  She will lie ("hot sauce in a bag swag"), cheat and steal.  (Um...., the only time honor crosses Hillary's mind is when she asks Bill, "Did ya get any on her?")  She will dismiss national security at the moment it gets in the way of her agenda.  And people around her with knowledge of her missteps and wrongdoing will still be dying.

My favorite right winger after David Pastrnak is Elly Maye!  She spent a few minutes shitting on the pandering pantsuit from ArkansasNewYorkYale.  Check it out....



Nobody wins this election.  Both choices are horribly horribly bad for the nation.  I mean, Hillary is a liar.  And Donald has small hands.  So how in fuk do we vote??

Here's what you need to know....  three of the eight sitting Supreme Court Justices are over the age of 75.  There is already one vacancy that will be filled by whichever asshole wins in November.  Which translates to the very real possibility that the next President could nominate FOUR Supreme Court Justices if he or she is in office for two terms!!!  Anthony Kennedy is a conservative justice nominated by Reagan.  He is a friend of the Constitution, less government involvement and favors states' rights.  He is 80.  Right now, the split on the bench is 4 Dems and 4 Repubs.  If Hillary wins, the bench will surely go to a 5-4 slant in favor of liberal fuck knobs (and you might be staring at Justice Barack Hussein Obama).  If Kennedy vacates during her term, you are looking at a 6-4 split and a shitstorm of anti-Constitutionalist rulings for a very very very long time.  So that should weigh on your decision when you cast your vote in November.  

I wear a medium in a black robe.  I love you!

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Bye Bye Bernie. Been A Great Week So Far in Philly!

Where do I start?  The leaked mails from the party of tolerance that took unequivocal dumps on Hispanics and Jews?  Debbie Wasserman Fragglerock quitting over those emails and then getting hired by the Queen Mother of email skullfukkery?  Cigar Willie's speech that made me throw up a little in my mouth?  The laffable shattering ceiling?  Or the Russians?  Oh those pesky Russians.  Or should I start with this morning's news that Bernie Sanders has high tailed it out of the Democrat party like Rosie O'Donuts from a Weight Watchers meeting.


Oh, you didn't hear?  Uncle Bernie up and left the Democrat party last night, announcing that he will be returning to the Senate as an Independent, the way he was originally elected in 2007.  Apparently, he was none too pleased with being porked in the poop hoop by DWS and the DNC.  Imagine that.... someone named Schultz keeping down a Jew.  Sound familiar??

Ya see Bernie... you learned first hand what the Democrats are all about.  Just like they do not believe that the low income Americans or minorities can pull themselves up on their own, they also do not believe that their own legion of voters are capable of making a good choice.  So they put policies in place (i.e. Super Delegates) that ensure the powerful Jackasses stay powerful.  Black lives?  You need us.  Women workers?  You need us.  Illegal immigrants?  You need us too.  So, don't be ridiculous and go thinking you can do it on your own.  If you want to succeed, you will have to let us do it for you.  That business you have there?  You didn't build that. We did.  And because of that, you must vote for us ad infinitum, you silly little fukkers!!  Oh, and we'll give you a free phone.  Let those big mean Republicans who worked for their own money buy their own phones.  And buy your phones too.  It's only fair.


Saturday, July 9, 2016

Don't Just Thank The Police On Facebook


Have you ever chosen to put your own life on the line to protect someone else?  Have you ever left for work knowing there is a chance that you might never see your family again because of the job that you do?

Have you ever had to act in such a way that would produce catastrophic results?  Destroy lives.  Change your own life?  Have you ever been forced to choose between your own life and the life of another human being?

Have you ever been hated, vilified, harassed, taunted, spat at, had rocks thrown at you, or shot at just because of the job you have chosen and the uniform you wear?  Have you ever decided that protecting and serving your community is more important?

And have you ever walked up to a police officer and said "Thank you" eye to eye?  I don't mean saying thank you on Facebook, posting a thin blue line image on your Instagram or writing in a blog about your gratitude for the police.  I mean, have you ever seen a police officer working a detail and instead of bitching under your breath about the overtime pay he or she is getting, have you ever stopped and given him or her a bottle of water and a thank you?


If you are like me, you answered No to all of those questions.  But I will try change that starting today.  Even more now than ever, our police officers need to know that the people in their community are thankful for their presence and respectful of their sacrifice.  They need to see it in our faces and they need to read it in our eyes.


I could not do that job.  And neither could you.  But aren't you glad that someone else can?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Clinton E-Mails: FBI Director ADMITS Hillary Getting Special Treatment

FBI Director James Comey stood in front of "we the people" yesterday, bent us over like the naughty bitches we are and shoved a bag of political fuksense up our collective poop hoops.  And he did not even buy us dinner!!!  But did you really, in your heart of hearts, expect that Hillary would face charges?  There is no chance in hell Attorney General Loretta Lynch would ever gift wrap the Presidency for Donald Trump by indicting the presumptive Jackass of all Jackasses.  Especially after she was publicly promised by The Shrill herself that she would keep her job in a Clinton administration.  Especially after the AG held a private meeting with the Shrill's hubby last week.  These assholes are giving transparency a whole new meaning.  I mean, they are fukkin' with laws and ethics right before your very eyes.


Enough with the spin.  Here are the facts.  And no, this is not taken from Breitbart or Hot Air.  This is taken directly from Comey's statement yesterday, which I pulled from the FBI website.  I also cite the Federal Penal Code, taken from Cornell University Law School website.  THESE ARE FACTS.
  1. Hillary used FOUR different private e-mail servers to send and receive work related e-mails during her tenure as Secretary of State.  
  2. Hillary sent or received 110 e-mails on her private e-mail that contained classified information at the time they were sent.
  3. Hillary sent or received an additional 2,000 e-mails that contained information that became classified after the fact ("up-classified").
  4. The FBI also found "several thousand" work related e-mails that were NOT turned over to the FBI by Clinton.
  5. Of those e-mails not turned over by Clinton, three of them contained classified information at the time they were sent.
  6. The FBI also "developed evidence that the security culture of the State Department in general, and with respect to use of unclassified e-mail systems in particular, was generally lacking in the kind of care for classified information found elsewhere in the government."
  7. The FBI reported that they were able to assess that "hostile actors gained access to the private commercial e-mail accounts of people with whom Secretary Clinton was in regular contact from her personal account."
  8. It was found that she used her personal e-mail "extensively while outside of the United States, including sending and receiving work related e-mails in the territory of sophisticated adversaries."
  9. They found that it is likely that other work related e-mails were not found and could not be found because Clinton's attorneys had deleted emails and cleaned the devices in such a way to "preclude complete forensic recovery."
  10. Lastly, they report that Clinton and her staff were "extremely careless" in their handling of very sensitive, highly classified information.
This is the shit the FBI reported to us yesterday, while at the same time recommending that Clinton not face charges.  Except that the federal penal code tells us the opposite:

18 U.S. Code § 793 - Gathering, transmitting or losing defense information

(f) Whoever, being entrusted with or having lawful possession or control of any document, writing, code book, signal book, sketch, photograph, photographic negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, instrument, appliance, note, or information, relating to the national defense, (1) through gross negligence permits the same to be removed from its proper place of custody or delivered to anyone in violation of his trust, or to be lost, stolen, abstracted, or destroyed, or (2) having knowledge that the same has been illegally removed from its proper place of custody or delivered to anyone in violation of its trust, or lost, or stolen, abstracted, or destroyed, and fails to make prompt report of such loss, theft, abstraction, or destruction to his superior officer— Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both.
Is extreme carelessness different than gross negligence??  If so, please fill me in.

Not only does the penal code dictate that such activity would be a felony, Director Comey even said as much in his statement yesterday:
"To be clear, this is not to suggest that in similar circumstances, a person who engaged in this activity would face no consequences. To the contrary, those individuals are often subject to security or administrative sanctions. But that is not what we are deciding now."
He told us straight out that Hillary gets to play by different laws.  And he did it with a smile.  And a big FUCK YOU to the American people.  But then again, maybe he was just trying to avoid being the next tally on the Hillary Body Count.

Since this e-mail shit hit the fan last year, the Pathological Pantsuit has repeatedly promised the American people that she never sent or received information on her private e-mail that was classified at the time it was sent or received.  We now know this to be untrue.  Of course, I expect Hillary to run with the whole "It wasn't marked as classified, so I did not know it was classified."  Except that a small number of those classified emails "bore markings indicating the presence of classified information."  And even if they did not have those markings, there are really only two possible scenarios to extract from Hillary's denials.  It's an EITHER/OR thing, people.

EITHER: She knew she dealt with classified information and is lying about it (most likely).  Cannot have a President like that.
OR:  She really did not know that the information was classified, which means, as Secretary of State, this idiot could not tell the difference between matters of national security and whether or not to offer fukkin' scones at Chelsea's wedding.  Is THAT who you want as President?