Monday, December 28, 2009
Can it be possible that it was 10 years ago when I wrote this letter to Chris? I guess it really was that long ago. I thought about this letter yesterday when we were celebrating Chris’ birthday by giving him a CD player for his car. I thought it might be a good time to drag it out of the cobwebs because it still has relevance today.
Your life to this point has been very busy, hasn’t it? For a few years now, your Saturdays have been filled with karate, soccer, baseball and skiing. Pretty soon, you will be suiting up for your first year of Pop Warner football. You tell me now that you want to play basketball next winter. Mom and I are very happy that you have so many interests. But there are times when we wonder if we are doing right by you. You will not understand this letter today, but I am writing it so that I will stay attuned to what is most important – that is, allowing you a chance to be a kid and making sure you have fun while playing your games.
It gives me great pride to watch you play your games with all the spirit and zest of a child. Nothing will ever shake the image of you running with all your heart and might to your new position at second base. I want to be sure to remember that this is supposed to be primarily about your smiles and secondarily about my pride.
I know that I bug you about doing things the “right” way, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for yelling “two hands” every time you catch the ball with one hand. I am sorry for making you play one inning on a day when you did not want to play at all. I am sorry for bragging to everyone I know about how well you throw the ball when I should be telling everyone I know how happy you are to be throwing that ball. Most of all, I am sorry for wanting you to do well for the benefit of my ego.
As your father, I owe it to you to give you every chance to be a kid. And I owe it to you to let you make mistakes without worrying about how I will react. I will try my best to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch you try your best to have fun. But I also promise to stand and cheer when you are in the game and giving it your all. I promise to drive you to games for as long as you want to play. And I promise to stay home and hang out on days when you do not want to play. And if at any point you have just had enough of all this stuff, I promise to accept it, move on and go out for pizza to celebrate your free time.
All I ask from you is one favor: If I start to have difficulty keeping these promises, sit me down and remind me, “Dad, I’m a kid and I just like to play.”
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Christmastime is nigh (always wanted to use that term and sound all fancy and shit) and be you Christian or Jew or Agnostic or a Yankee fan, we wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS! To those of you who are offended by my holiday, I plan to use this space to educate you on some of our more glorious Christmas traditions. When you are finished reading, you are most assuredly going to be heading out to your local Christian place of worship and fill out a “I Wanna Celebrate Christmas Too” application.
You must first get it through your thick offendable skull that Christmas is not only a religious holiday. I know it has its origins in the birth of a baby boy in Bethlehem to a woman who, by all accounts never once did the horizontal hay ride. A miracle for sure and I am not one to deny that the birth of Jesus is the reason for the season. (By the way, I would appreciate it that if you do go to your local Christian place of worship, you don't tell them about my "horizontal hay ride" comment).
Oh the perks: Celebrate Christmas and you will receive full Santa privileges, including the waiver that allows you to lie to your children for an entire month and a half about the existence of a guy who cares if they are naughty or nice. This guy flies around the world in an oversized sled being pulled by 8 (9 on those foggy Christmas eves) flying reindeer. He comes down chimneys with a bag of toys and leaves all kinds of good shit for just two cookies and a glass of milk. Don’t worry if you don’t have a chimney or even a rooftop (ya can’t land a sleigh on a teepee for crying out loud), this fat old guy finds a way in.
Celebrate Christmas and you also are free to participate in Yankee Swaps on what seems like a daily basis. The Yankee Swap is a traditional, non-religious game that encourages you to take presents out of the hands of family, friends and co-workers only to give them a gift you think sucks ass. How's that for spirit?
As a part of this holiday, you will also be free to study and memorize the entire scripts of A Christmas Story and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with pride. Ralphie and Randy, Cousin Eddie and Bumpus’dogs will become honorary members of your family. And of course, there is the cast of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Bumble, Yukon Kornelius, the misfit dentist wannabe and that freaky lion king with wings. But nothing warms the heart more than the voice of the Colonel Sanders look-a-like of a snowman singing Holly Jolly Christmas!!
Well, I am running out of space – plus, it is December 23rd and I need to get my ass to the mall. No, I am not going to be shopping. I am going to spend all afternoon carrying department store bags around the parking lot, trying to see just how far a desperate parker will follow me. Hoping to set a record. Wish me luck! And Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
An undeniable presence in our home and in our family for the past eleven years, the memories will live with us forever. For those of you who have crossed the threshold into our home, you understand what this obnoxious, crotch sniffing, biscuit begging oaf meant to us. I am sitting here today and thinking back on our boy - the same good boy who would stand at the edge of the yard, held back by a monstrous 1 foot garden fence bordering newly planted flowers. We could almost read his mind as he would stepdance at the fence, itching to find a way over it… “I sure wish I could jump over this big giant fence that barely comes up to my chest.”
We have had many visitors and our share of big parties. And one thing is for sure - Snickers had his favorite people…. Butch, Donna, Ray and Diane… the “cookie people.” Snickers loved all company. But these four people held a special place in his heart… never would these dog spoilers darken our doorway without a cookie in their pocket or in their hand. His excitement level would be so high, spontaneous combustion would not have been a surprise. I would be remiss if I were not to mention Eileen down the street and her years of capturing Snickers after he would escape the yard and go on patrol along Hill Street. Eileen's trick and Snickers' weakness? One gently rolled slice of deli baloney. A quick wave of the tasty treat out her screen door and Snickers would be distracted just long enough for the prison guards to catch up to him.
Thinking back, it seems we have more than our share of funny memories. From the moment he was neutered, Snickers developed a twisted fetish for any blanket or pillow that would find its way to the floor, often humping the hell out of it until he could barely walk away. I would often joke that after a love session with his doggie bed, he walked around with the legs of a newborn giraffe.
Last night, we laid down with Snickers with the knowledge that it would be his last night with us. Despite a killer disease running through his body, he will only know love and happiness. And that is how it will be forever.
After today, the gate to our yard will be open, no longer with a reason to keep it closed. It is open to let him run free. Our boy will be gone from our house but never from our home! Godspeed Snickers… say hello to Nipper and Freida for me.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
So thanks to that little voice telling me to do something healthy, I nearly killed myself. But I guess it will keep me busy on Tuesday nights until Sons of Anarchy starts up again next season.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
And I'll never forget the time Obie and I were hanging out on the stage of that fundraiser, checking out some smoking ass in a red dress. Oh mama Obama!!!!
Last spring, the G20 Summit was held in dahntahn Pittsburgh. Since I have family in the 'burgh, I made a beeline to the front door, flashed my Steeler fan club card and was quickly whisked into the room like royalty. After dinner, all the big wigs got together for a group photo. That's me giving the thumbs up standing next to Obie. We tried to look serious, but the guy with the table cloth on his head was passing gas like a full service attendant.....whooooo
So to the hot blonde and her party crashing partner who think they did it first - nuh uh you didn't!
Before I get to the game, did I see that correctly last night? Has our President now taken to making commercials? Gimme a freakin' break please. Catching a pass from Drew Brees on the White House lawn, mixed in with other NFL players and a bunch of rugrat kids. I get it... the United Way is a wonderful charity, but how freakin' whorish of our President to find more television exposure! Apparently, he does not like Peyton Manning hogging all the NFL commercial time, huh?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Ahhhh… Thanksgiving! That time of year to be with family and friends, to strap on the feed bag and chow down like Augustus Gloop at an all-you-can-eat buffett. A time for pickling the liver and drinking more than Teddy Kennedy at an open bar. Thanksgiving is a time for 8am beers and free tavern breakfasts (can’t beat runny scrambled eggs, burnt toast and uncooked home fries washed down with a cold Budweiser). It is a time for quality high school football at 10am and shitful NFL games the rest of the day (Come on, do we REALLY have to watch the fahkin’ Cowboys and Lions every fahkin year?). Thanksgiving is a time sneaking into the kitchen to steal some turkey skin before dinner is served and for throwing dinner rolls across the room when someone says “Pass the rolls.” It is a time for making excuses for younger brothers who are passed out upstairs because of too many 8am beers and it is a time for doing Prairie Fire shots with friends (First one to take a beer chaser is a pussy!).
But above all, it is a time for the ENTIRE family to be together – and this year we will be doing it right!!!
As long as I can remember, the fourth Thursday of every November has been my favorite day of the year. I think I can trace it back to that first Thanksgiving dinner when I learned that my grandfather, he of the bottle of Black Label and shot of Canadian Club, had more comic talent than Richard Pryor when he WAS on crack. Every year, without fail, Grampy would pick up one of those small boiled onions that my mother would make just for him. He would give the onion a squeeze until the center would protrude out in a way that would look like.. well….use your imagination. Put it this way, to this day, a bowl of boiled onions on our Thanksgiving table is still called a bowl of “little dickies.” Every year, he would perform the same trick that would make his two adolescent grandsons laugh our asses off and cause us to worship him more every year. Yeah, Grampy was one of a kind!
Thanksgiving is also a time for saying prayers over our food. I know it's hard to believe, but for the other 364 days, I stuff my face with reckless abandon with food and drink that has been unblessed by the hands of God - and sometimes that food is really freakin good! Thanksgiving grace in our family is handled by my brother-in-law, Deacon Roland. Yep, that’s right – our family brings in a professional to handle grace – trust me, we need all the experts and direct lines we can get. I will say that Roland has never been able to get through a Thanksgiving grace without someone (ahem… Kimberly and Andrew..) giggling and snorting like someone had just farted in church. Last year, Roland said his Thanksgiving prayers in Floriday with Mickey and Minnie. That left us to our own devices for the pre-meal ritual. Check it out....
Thanksgiving also used to be the day when it became acceptable for radio stations to play Christmas music. But now that that day has been pushed back to November fahkin First, the only remaining musical significance of the holiday is the hourly playing of Alice’s Restaurant on local radio stations. Because there really are no songs about eating turkey with Pilgrims and Indians, we get nineteen minutes of quirky guitar and folksy speech from Arlo Guthrie about war and peace and garbage and call it a Thanksgiving song. Hmmm… whatever
So Happy Thanksgiving to you all – enjoy your 8am beers, your morning football games, your turkey, your little dickies and most of all, your family!! See you on the other side…. This dumb ass might actually do the Black Friday thing… swore I never would… but I’m afraid I might… somebody fahkin’ shoot me please.
That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie.
Friday, November 20, 2009
With the toilet party over, the Wayback Machine shot my ass back to 42 with just two days to go before the big 43. I hear people all the time fret about turning another year older. Foreign to me is the notion that another birthday is cause for depression and denial. I actually look forward to turning 43 - mainly because I have no choice and it certainly beats the alternative.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tis the season to be jolly… but you just better not be Christian! I ain’t no bible thumper and the closest I get to church these days is watching Clay, Opie and their brothers sit around that redwood table on Tuesday nights.
So, can someone please tell me exactly what it is about Christmas that is offensive? No, seriously… what the fuck is it about a tree decorated with lights, tinsel and a plastic angel that makes your skin crawl? And why does a doll laying on a bed of hay in the town common piss you off so much that you call the mayor and demand to have it removed? Seriously, are you worried that the camels might piss on your town lawn (they are not real camels, you dumb shit)? Or do you really think that your precious little over-protected politically-corrected child might see a manger scene and be scarred for life, afraid that the Christians are coming, the Christians are coming?
No I am serious… answer these fukkin questions!!! What is it about “Merry Christmas” that sounds like “Go to hell – my religion kicks ass and you suck!” Wishing good Yule tidings is neither an insult nor a recruitment tactic… I am not trying to rope you into my church or brainwash your kids into becoming Santa lovers. (BTW, your kids already love Santa – neener neener neener). Merry Christmas means… um… Merry Christmas. Much like raising a drink to all the non-Irish out there on St. Patrick’s Day, it is simply about pleasantries. So Merry Christmas Assholes!
This year, a local school has made headlines because they have issued rules for their “Holiday Gift Shop” that prohibits, yep…. HOLIDAY themed items! I shit you not!!! Isn’t that like opening up a bait shop that does not sell bait? Among the items listed that are prohibited are candy canes (they could be sharpened into deadly weapons, you know) and red and green tissue paper (obviously, red and green are Christmas colors). I have a suggestion to any parent who has the balls to be pissed about this… don’t give them one red cent or any of your green money.
Many loud mouths out there trying to shut down Christmas like to preach about Separation of Church and State…. I am so bullshit and tired of hearing people yammer on about that as if that phrase were really in the Constitution. Time for all of you to actually do a little learning… or let me save you some time- That phrase is NOWHERE in our Constitution: Regarding religion, the First Amendment states very clearly that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...” So, in fact, it is UNCONSTITUTIONAL to tell people that they cannot exercise their beliefs freely. By the way, those people who want to keep candy canes and Santas out of schools are the same politically correct asshats telling us that we must show tolerance and allow Muslims to practice their faith wherever and whenever they need. So, Muslims, Jews, Pagans and Muppets – feel free to worship and celebrate… but to you Christians, keep your shit to yourself and inside your own home!!
I’m done ranting for now. It is time to start a campaign to get rid of Thanksgiving – I mean, isn’t Thanksgiving an insult to all the people out there who are NOT thankful? And while we are at it, we should also start discussions about Birthdays. Saying Happy Birthday should no longer be allowed in schools and workplaces for fear of excluding the sad and those who were never born. We can talk next week about how Friday is offensive to onion rings.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Chris will be strapping on the pads tonight for a first round playoff game with Alvirne against Bishop Guertin. He and his boys have their work cut out for them - they lost to BG two weeks ago by a score of 48-0. That is not a mark against Alvirne as much as it is a statement on BG. They have not lost this year, winning 10 games by an average of 38 points per game. So the outlook is freakin' bleak to say the least. But as I told Chris, the table is set for the biggest upset in NH high school sports history. However, a win will also mean another week of handling and washing his practice gear - a task that has brought his mother to dry heaves and his father to tears.
Oh... before I forget - Jessica will be driving on the roads in a month. We broke the law a "little" bit the other day when I let her drive home from Taylor's house (around the block)... luckily, she gets the whole gas pedal on the right, brake on the left. What she doesn't get is the steering wheel and its functionality. So, a few near misses with mailboxes and a terrified skateboarder later, we have decided to keep her practice sessions to empty parking lots and XBox games. If you live anywhere near Hudson, I strongly recommend you upping your collision insurance.
Today I announce a tie for first place in the Loser of the Month Club:
The awards go to Nidal Malik Hasan and Tarek Mahanna. Since there is only one trophy, Nidal and Tarek have agreed to beat the shit out themselves with it until they are both dead and on the escalator to 72 Virgin Lane.
This first rant is really against Political Correctness - Let's think for a moment about Fort Hood, Texas and the Army Major who decided it was time to shoot up some Americans in the name of Allah. Did I spell that correctly? Oh wait a minute - that's right... I don't give a rat's ass. PS... that does not make me a racist or a hate monger - it simply means that I don't care if I spell the word for someone else's God correctly. In case you started to drift that way. Nidal Malik Hasan spent months online commuincating with Jihadist websites and Al Qaeda recruiters. He had business cards calling himself a Soldier of Allah. And the FBI was aware of all of this. But the government did nothing about it, most likely because the halestorm that would have surely followed, accusations of profiling and discrimination against Muslims. Um... near as I can tell, that would be like calling the arrest of Jeffrey Dahmer discrimination against people named Jeffrey. By the way, just to make myself clear: I am all in favor of discrimination against people plotting to destroy my country. I don't care if they are Muslim or Christian or Democrats or fukkin Fraggle Rock puppets. The liberally slanted media has jumped on board also and I heard this morning that society was gripped with "Islamaphobia." NO FUKKIN WAY ASSHOLES! This is not Islamaphobia... I call it "nutjobbomberphobia"... it's not new - has been around since the Revolutionary War. Chris "I'd Bang Obama If Michelle Would Let Me" Matthews actually had the balls to suggest that Hasan "calling up Al Qaeda" was not a crime. Um... an Army Major contacting the enemy IS A FUCKING CRIME YOU POMPOUS PRICK! It's called treason! I actually had an argument with some shithead small town politician last week about this. He asked me if the "many years of Hasan's honorable service to our country means nothing to me." Heehee... what do you think my answer to that was? Give you a hint - it included a few F bombs! He also suggested that Hassan's "shrink" is to blame for his suicide by MP because of his failure to treat his PTSD!! I shit you not - in this idiot's mind, Nidal Malik Hasan's brutal murdering spree in the name of Allah is explained away by a psychiatrist's lapse.
Side note: Not only did Hasan survive being shot, he now gets to wake up and find out that a woman filled his traitor ass with holes and ended his mission for Allah. Not only does he lose out on the virgins, his personal Jihad was cut short by a woman! Now if you want to define Poetic Justice, you can start there.
What's the other "No Virgins For You" story?
The "American" from Sudbury, MA who is being held charged with conspiracy to commit terrorist acts (by the way, his name is NOT John Smith) is being asked to be released on bail. This idiot and two other like minded shitheads had plans to enter terrorist training camps in the Middle East but that did not work out. Guess even the terrorists have rules about flat feet. So their Plan B was the murder of two members of the executive branch or to "shoot up mall shoppers." Guess they were trying to impress the Grand Poobah in charge of terrorist training camps. There is plenty of evidence that this asshat would have gone forward with his plans had he not been stopped. Yet, there they were - protesters outside the courthouse yesterday wearing shirts demanding Tarek Mahanna (which roughly translated means "They kicked me out of terrorist school because I'm from Sudbury") be released. His attorneys are actually saying he should be released on bail because he is an "unfit terrorist"... I'm telling you I can not make this shit up. Will it never end?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Start spreading the news… I’m puking today. Don’t say it… don’t say it… OH FUCK – John Sterling said it! And then Frank Sinatra sang it. Billy Crystal went swinging from Ronan Tynan’s ears. Kate Hudson started counting her World Series share and ARod gave Jeter a championship handy and the happy ending he’s been praying for since 2000. Those self-promoting pinstripe wearing millionaires ruined my Novembah last night when Petey Martinez took the hill at Yankee Stadium, gift wrapped a few beachballs for Hideki Matsushi and couldn’t make it to the 5th inning. After 5, the score was 7-1 and there was nothing left but the locker room bukaki party! I know, complaining about the Yanks is petty and childish. So I’m petty and childish… no shit! It’s about time you figured that out.
If you are a Yankee fan reading this drivel, log off and get your ass to the parade… the Canyon of Heroes is one asshole short and they are wondering where you are. By now, you may have gathered that I am a Sox fan. So, of course I hate the Yankees as much as, if not more than, I love my BoSox. But I am not going to hide behind anything here. I could give a shit less about how much money the Yankees spent. That’s a lame excuse here in Boston, because we all know that if the Sox could spend it, they would. Hell, I would have no problem if the Sox got into gun running with SAMCRO if it were to bring in enough money to compete with the Yanks payroll (Sons of Anarchy fans out there?). The crux of my hatred is born from years of watching those assholes ALMOST always beat my team. Behind years of listening to Yankee fans bullshit about rings, 1918 and Bucky Fuckin Dent, blah fukkin blah, you can easily understand why we like to chant “Yankees Suck” everywhere we go - from Patriots games to baptisms. We Sox fans have a but a few good memories and we will NEVAH EVAH let them go … ahem… choke on a 3-0 series lead you dickheads?... Now don’t go gettin your Reggie Jackson panties in a bunch about that reference. I know it was 5 years ago and I also know that Yankee fans have elected to dismiss that classic collapse as “ancient history.” But if those dillweeds wanna go the “what have you done for me lately?” route, then they are gonna have to shove their “Got Rings” tshirts up their collective Bronx asses. Um… 26 of those rings are “ancient history.”
I bristle at everything Yankee. I just do. When a fellow Sox fan (or worse, a Yankee fan) tries to tell me that I have to like Derek Jeter, I always respond with a big fat “Fuck that!!” What is there to like about him? He is a Yankee, has more rings than any Red Sox player and spends his nights banging hot chicks! Jeter can take his 5 rings and go to hell – he’s a douche! From Monument Park to the Home & Garden white fence ringing the top of their stadium; From Ronan Tynan’s enormous fucking ears (he can communicate with Mars with those freakin' satellite dish hat hangers) to John Sterling’s tired old saying; from Babe Fuckin Ruth to CC Safuckinbathia, the Yankees fahkin SUCK!!!
As if I needed any more fuel, those Bronx Bombers raised the obnoxious coefficient to a mind-blowing new level after their win last night. AFraud was shown sobbing harder than Brett Favre at a retirement party, as if someone just shattered his full length mirror! Oh fukkin please you prick!! Get over yourself! ARod’s playoff performance will never erase the image of him making out with his own reflection or throwing his “cousin” under the bus in the “I thought they were tic tacs” steroid scandal. And how about Mark Teixeira letting us all know that God is a Yankee fan?
“I’ve been so faithful this entire time, in my entire career, and just been prayin, prayin, prayin to lead me in the right direction and, a, God didn’t let me down. He led me here and this is unbelievable.”
So, this asshat is trying to tell us that God decided he would root for the Yankees this year and not the Phillies? Someone had better dope slap this moron and remind him that it was the $180 million smackeroos that led him to the Bronx. Wait a minute – maybe it was God signed the fukkin check! My apologies Mark. Whadda douche!
As I said, I do not make excuses… I know the Yankees are the best team in baseball this year! That cannot be denied. What also cannot be denied is that we Sox fans not only have the right to hate the Yankees, we have the responsibility to hate them with all of our Chowdah eatin’ hearts. Speaking of which, New England clam chowder is way fukkin better than Manhattan clam chowder. Ya just can’t have red chowder…. So in a sense – WE WIN!!!! Neener neener neener assholes!!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Aside from the Sheen Report, experts are also warning the general public of additional fallout from the H1N1 pandemic. Environmentalists have declared that if the Swine Flu is not contained quickly, the heat generated from millions of high fevers could double or even triple the pace of global warming and there is a real possibility that the polar icecap will become a puddle of ginormous proportions and that the ozone layer will cease to exist as we know it today. Additionally, there is evidence that drilling in Alaska could cause the Swine Flu to likely mutate into the more destructive strain of Caribou Flu, said to be more lethal than a bowl Jim Jones fruit punch.
All is not lost, however. Susan Sarandon, President Obama’s Secretary of Public Appearances, in a Fox-Free press conference this morning, offered a glimmer of hope for Americans. “The President has spent countless hours in discussions with the flu and is confident that his tactics of diplomacy will prevail for the good of all Americans. He has apologized to the flu for the long history of transgressions made by Americans against the flu. For the past eight years, this country has treated the flu as an enemy of the people, attacking its various strains without provocation or so much as an attempt to sit around the table and talk it out." Sarandon went on to say, "The USA-H1N1 Treaty includes a provision that if the President’s health care reform package passes, the vaccine will become immediately available and the H1N1 will back down on its assault on the helpless lower and middle class America. According to the treaty, the flu will be allowed to target the wealthy upper class, with the exception of agreed upon safe zones of Hollywood and Washington, DC."
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Obama Entertainment Network is reporting this morning that sources are indicating that President Barack Obama is the leading candidate to capture Major League Baseball's American League MVP award, recognizing his achievements this year as a really big White Sox fan. The award will be announced in a press conference early next week in which the President plans to attend. Following his acceptance speech, which will be aired on all 4 major networks and broadcast over every elevator speaker and school intercom system in the free world, the President will host a black tie Ain’t I Great dinner in his home town of Chicago and then do a 1 on 1 exclusive ass-sucking interview with Oprah Winfrey. The interview will be followed by a free concert in Wrigley Stadium (Pete Seeger and Kanye West headlining) and a wicked cool fireworks show. This announcement comes as the world is still reeling from the surprising news that the President had also been awarded the 2009 Nobel Prize for Peace for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.” The 5 member prize committee, with first year members and admitted FOBs (Fans Of Barack) Sean Penn, Chris Matthews and Iran’s President Imadidabadthing, has attached special importance to “Obama’s vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons.” (KENNY MOMENT: Um, are there not TWO countries currently thumbing their collective noses and mooning the President with their nuclear missile programs?) Isn’t that like giving an aeronautics award to Amelia Earhart for her efforts in trying to fly around the world? Nice try, but….
EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS:
We interrupt this breaking news with even more important breaking news! At 7:30 this morning, the United States, under the cover of darkness, launched a full out surprise attack on the Moon. With precise military precision, a US made rocket slammed into the surface of the Moon, leaving a hole the size of Ted Kennedy’s head and sending up a 6 mile high plume of cheese that experts report could be seen with the naked eye from the really high hills in Poughkeepsie, NY. (heehee, I said "naked") Military sources have said that “Operation Wastemoney” became necessary following years of futile negotiations with the Moon leaders. “We have been trying unsuccessfully to locate people on the Moon since 1969 and they just won’t come out and talk with us,” said Captain Sherman Morgan, Operations Commander. “We know they are hiding the water on us and we had no other choice but to blow a really big hole in the ground," Captain Morgan went on to say. (did ya see what I did there? Captain Morgan? Oh, I fukkin crack myself up) A full briefing will be held later this afternoon where plans to invade the North Star are expected to be disclosed as a joint operation to spend even more money for no good reason at all.
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE PREVIOUS BREAKING NEWS ALREADY IN PROGRESS:
According to White House sources (not really, you know this is just a phony news report, right), President Obama plans to attend the Nobel Award Ceremony on December 10th in Norway, kicking off a whirlwind two months of award stealing… oops, I mean award receiving. The following week, he is scheduled to accept the Heisman Trophy for his vision of being a football player. Two months later, he will be on hand in Los Angeles to accept the Oscar for Best Leading Actor. It cannot get ANY better than this, my friends.
And now for the serious bitching about this sham!! Alfred Nobel, in his will, ordered that the Nobel Awards were to recognize achievements made during the previous year. The deadline for nominations this year was a mere TWO WEEKS after Obama took office. In other words, the 2009 awards are to be reflective of achievements in 2008. In 2008, Obama was merely running for President. I guess he won the award based on campaign promises and well-organized communities. It appears to me that ACORN has used its economic stimulus money to hijack the Nobel Award Committee. Honestly, tho, the entire world should have ceased giving a rats ass about this award when Al Fatbody Gore was recognized by the Nobel Committee for his work in making a fucking slideshow on global warming! That year, he won the award over Irena Sendler. Google her name and then tell me how that piece of shit who could not even win enough votes in his home state of Tennesse could be named over this true heroine of peace!! Fuk ‘em all!!!
Monday, October 5, 2009
I don’t know about any of you, but I’m thinking the Bruins may be the toughest bunch of fukkers on skates this year. Saturday night, our boys in Black and Gold took a can of whoop ass, cracked the seal and proceeded to empty the contents all over the Carolina Sissyboys. They then stuffed the empty can up their collective “Ouch! Quit Hitting Me” asses. The ‘canes spent the entire game in full turtle mode as they shrunk away from Lucic, Thornton and the boys like a certain George Kostanza body part (I was in the pool! I was in the pool!!!). By the way, does Lucic know exactly where to hit or what? He seems to draw more blood than a vampire on a drinking binge.
Ahh... my Pats!!! I am pumped that they are starting to look the part once again. Yesterday’s win over Baltimore was heeeeeyuge and ol Tommy Boy is getting better each week. A major highlight for me yesterday was the Randy Moss press conference following the game when he spent his time on the mic talking about the importance of breast cancer awareness (Screw all of you arses who want to hold on to his past – this guy has been nothing but a class act since getting here and he is quickly becoming my favorite). I loved watching Brady get in the faces of his offensive line to fire them up. Yeah, Matt “Which Way Did He Go?” Light looked rather silly when Terrell Suggs blew past him faster than two foxes fucking in a forest fire (filthy analogy courtesy of Mojo Nixon). But come on – Brady had not been sacked for two games before yesterday while Light was facing the likes of John Abraham and Shaun Ellis. Give the guy a freakin break!!
From the Division of Bitching & Moaning
***Missing Person Alert: Joseph “Joey” “Greybeard” Galloway***
Last Seen – Gillette Stadium, Foxboro, MA on September 27th, 2009 wearing a sad face and a white I Hate Tom Brady tshirt, carrying a Patriots playbook, muttering to himself “I will stay inbounds. I will stay inbounds. Good God almighty I will stay inbounds.” A spitting image of Grady Wilson from Sanford & Son, Galloway should be easy to spot in a crowd with his graying facial hair, arthritic knuckles and creaking knees.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Before you read any further, you should know that I have had a change of heart… Made clear to me this week was that President Obama really is a tough guy in the area of foreign policy. Why, just this week, he puffed up his chest and threatened that big scary Iran to simmer down with their nuke program or else they would have to face “increased pressure and isolation.” Whoa!!! Back dah fukk up for a minute! Not isolation!! NOT THAT!!!! The very thought has GOT to have President ImADidAJob shaking in his Bin Laden themed thong, right? Haa haa haa… I don’t fukkin think so. Wouldn’t you have loved to been among the hundreds of flies in his beard when Ahmanamadingdong heard that threat? I’m not positive, but I’m guessing it was not exactly the sounds of panic running through the room; more like the sounds of some big shot Iranians pissing in their khakis with laughter. Gimme a fahkin break man!!! And if isolation and pressure does not work, what will the next step be? Step on some cracks and break his mommy’s back? Take away his 7-11 or revoke his cabbie license? Hey, I will be the first to admit that further pressure could in fact work…as long as that pressure comes in the form of an American made warhead that can reduce that wasteland of a nation to a Rhode Island sized parking lot.
This is not the only hiccup for President Barack Hussein Obama this week. General Stanley McChrystal, the NATO commander in charge of the effort in Afghanistan has made a case that a troop surge in Afghanistan is badly needed to keep this middle-east nation from falling to the Taliban. (Personally, I would favor the exact opposite stance – bring our men and women home and leave that nation to its own peril.) In his typical, I gots little balls and cannot think on my own style, Obie wants a few weeks to think about it. Fine, maybe he wants to hear more from the General. But yesterday, the Democrats in the Senate voted on a motion that will keep General McChrystal from testifying before them until AFTER the President decides what to do. Yeah, why bother listening to the guy who is actually over there fighting the fukkin war? That makes good fukkin sense!! But that’s all okay because we have a feel good story coming from the White House too.
Yesterday, in Denmark, the Obamas returned to what they do best… and America’s first couple has brought Community Organization to a whole new level. Obviously Michelle Obama is proud of the United States this week as she and her hubby have hopped over to Copenhagen, along with Oprah, to beg the Olympic committee to award the 2016 Olympics to the city of Chicago. Yeah, that would be cool – having the entire world descend upon Chicago for two weeks, in the middle of the summer, during an election year. Talk about a windfall for Acorn – can you just imagine how many new voters they can round up with the entire world hanging out in their backyard? And Oprah’s role? Bet your life that the world’s second largest ego (sorry, but Bono has her beat by a fukkin mile) will somehow turn the famous Olympic rings into 5 capital O’s, in honor of her magazine covers. By the way, I saw some video of Oprah strolling around the streets of the Danish city. Holy total eclipse, Batman! Two laps around her waistline and you have your marathon course!!
And since I have wound my way on to shitting on Hollywood, I might as well toss that nutjob Whoopi Goldberg under the 4X4 mudtires as well. Roman Polanski, that perverted child raping fugitive from justice, finally fukked up and got himself cuffed in Switzerland… (who says Switzerland is only good for cheese, army knives and hot blondes?). And as a result, we are treated once again to the despicable lows to which Hollywood celebrities will stoop in order to look like empty headed buffoons. A small group of these assholes actually have signed a petition speaking out against the arrest and the extradition and demanding his release. (STORY HERE) The ridiculous reasons they cite include: “it was a long time ago” or “he’s old” or “he has already served his time by being in exile.” Well, if those reasons were not bad enough, that mopheadded, sunglass wearing blowhard Goldberg actually had the balls (and yes, I am pretty sure she’s got a set down there) to say, and I quote, “I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and when they let him out he was like ‘You know what this guy's going to give me a hundred years in jail I'm not staying, so that's why he left.’” So drugging a 13 year old girl and having sex with her unconscious body is okay, because, like, it’s not like, you know, like, rape-rape. It’s just kinda like a little rape but living the high life in France and Poland is like, jail-jail. Here’s hoping someone takes a big shit-shit on Whoopi’s face-face to wake her the fuck up-up!!!!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
It is with great joy that I announce to you today the creation of four groundbreaking new laws. I gotta tell you, creating laws in Massachusetts is a lot like swallowing a wad of Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum… a token struggle at the start, but sure to pass in less than three days. Gone are the days of the Mitt “The Terrible” Romney and his Republican administration. That has been replaced by your Atta Boy, Ass-Rubbing, Everyone Is The Same Government, brought to you by the faithful “Democrats are Good - I Loved JFK Too” voters of this great Commonwealth.
As you all know, I successfully changed one law already this week. Five years ago, when the well being of the Commonwealth was standing precipitously at the edge of destuction under Mr. Romney, our good son, John Kerry was oh so close to winning the Presidency. Had JohnBoy won, the big meanie Governor would have had the power to nominate a lameduck Senator to finish out Kerry’s term in the Senate. Who knows what kind of evil he would have nominated – perhaps Charles Manson; or even worse, Curt Schilling? So your good congressmen and congresswomen had the foresight and acted quickly, making clear their feelings that one voice in the Senate was better than two voices if the second voice was not going to vote the same as the first voice. The law was changed and removed that power from the governor. Well, thanks to a worldwide conspiracy (someone had the nerve to point out that Kerry actually held no position on any topic), George W. Bush stole another election and Senator Kerry remained our Senator. But tragedy has struck our Commonwealth once again. When the senior voice kicked over and went toes to the sky last month, we all realized that we were going to have to survive 5 months with only one monotone put you to sleep voice the Senate. We all know we need EVERY voice allowable under law in Washington, just so long as they are Democrat voices. You should all be very thankful to have such a committed and talented group of legislators who are able to flip-flop to the other side of the fence faster than President Obama can hop from television studio to television studio. And is it not a wonderful thing to grant the honorable Ted Kennedy’s dying wish? (By the way, this letter is NO PLACE to remind everyone that Mary Jo Kopechne’s dying wish was for Ted to just "open the passenger door please")
So, as we look toward the future of this great Commonwealth, I have drafted four new laws that will only serve to benefit the people of Massachusetts and allow me to continue living the high life. These four monumental laws will henceforth become known as the Patrick Articles of Making Sure.
Amendment Article I: The Governor of the Commonwealth shall be elected by a majority of votes and shall serve a term no greater than 4 years, unless said Governor is a Republican whereas the term shall be no greater than 4 weeks.
Amendment Article II: An incumbent Democrat governor shall have the authority to cancel a gubernatorial election if it looks like he/she might lose to a Republican. The election shall be rescheduled once enough Democrat votes have been solicited from Ireland and local cemeteries and morgues.
Amendment Article III: I propose that all special elections be considered emergencies and that the winner shall be determined by a Rock – Paper – Scissors contest on the steps of the statehouse.
Amendment Article IV: Any sitting governor who has had hip replacement surgery shall be driven around the state in a big fat, gas guzzling SUV for his comfort.
Thank you for your blind loyalty to the party and remember - Follow the Yellow Brick Road for it shall lead you to the great and powerful Me.
Your Eminence Deval Patrick
(shhh... obviously this is a phony letter - the real Governor does not really think Curt Schilling is worse than Charles Manson. Plus, he cannot spell Eminence)
PS… Please do your part and boycott any and all events at the local Hyatt hotels, who had the nerve to lay off 100 housekeepers this week. Do they not know that I need these people to vote for me so I will stand up for them? Oh, and pay no attention to the news that my administration has laid off thousands of state employees over the past 9 months. I HAD to do that in order to pay for my gas guzzling SUV.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
1. Life isn't fair, it’s a fahkin carnival ride from hell.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step into the bar and get cocked.
3. Life is too short and so are midgets...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Neither will your friends and family anymore. That swine flu sucks.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month and while you are at it, wake up and smell the coffee.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to a pudding wrestling match to settle all ties.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than kicking the shit out of them.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. After all, look at what he did to your face.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check – that $42 from Burger King can go a long way.
10. When it comes to chocolate, pour the syrup slowly on the nipples and then……...
11. Make peace with your past so you can screw up all over again.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry, just don’t let them see you doing the mattress dance with Mommy.
13. Don't compare your life to others – you have no idea how bad it really is.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you better be good at keeping secrets.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks – he just shuts his eyes and hopes for the best.
16. Take a deep breath, I just farted and I’m telling you- it ain’t pretty!
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful, because what better way to raise drinking money than to have a big ol' yard sale.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you didn’t try hard enough.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But in your case, you are screwed.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, they should put the whorehouse next door to the bar to make it easy.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Just remember to wash the nice sheets after.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow, you obsessive freak!
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. Wait until the gay bar opens.
24. The most important sex is the sex you actually have.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. But I can go a long way in fukking it up for you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ’In five years, just how low will my boobs be hanging?'
27. Always choose Life. Clue, Sorry and Chutes & Ladders suck as board games go.
28. Forgive everyone everything. Just keep good notes so you can still get them back when they are least expecting it.
29. What other people think of you is probably right on the money.
30. Time heals almost everything. Except for herpes – that shit lasts forever.
31. However good or bad a situation is, Lynyrd Skynyrd still rocks and the Beatles still suck.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. Couldn’t have said that better myself.
33. Believe in miracles. And you can also believe in the tooth fairy and Santa because they are real too.
34. God loves you because of who God is, but he still hates the LA Clippers.
35. Don't audit life. Leave that to the geeks who did well in math.
36. Growing old beats the alternative – growing a third nipple.
37. Your children get only one childhood and they are lucky not to be spending it tied to the radiator.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you sons of bitches get what’s coming to you.
39. Get outside every day. You are stinking up the whole house.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile can you imagine the size of that pile?
41. Envy is a waste of time. And so is writing down 45 life lessons.
42. The best is yet to come. So you better get the hell out of the way.
43. No matter how you feel, get up and turn on Sportscenter to catch the top 10 plays of the day.
44. Yield. Stop. Caution. Slow Child. RR Crossing. Can you think of any other signs?
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, because your crazy uncle will still stick it to his forehead and laugh like he’s the next Eddie Murphy.